Greets once again, little ones! This won’t be an incredibly long post, but I need to do two things. First, I need to get something off of my chest (because I’m usually SO fucking unwilling to give my opinion, right?) and second, I will be keeping a promise. Buckle up for the roller coaster, kids.
So it seems that a few people in the land of the free have gotten thoroughly twisted out of shape by the actions, or rather, inaction, of one man. Colin Kaepernick, QB for the San Francisco 49ers, African-American professional athlete, has decided to show his concern with race relations and interactions between police and black Americans by…taking a knee during the national anthem. And judging by the reactions of a vocal minority, the entirety of the goddamn world ended. Cats sleeping with dogs, blood in the streets, anarchy and the death of the American dream everywhere. Because a guy knelt in silence during a song before a football game.
I’m tired and this entire controversy irritates me, so I’m just going to cover the important points here, people. There is no law that states you must stand with your hand over your heart during the national anthem. Hell, prior to WWII, the tradition wasn’t even to put your hand over your heart. Instead, children were taught to salute the flag with their arm straight out, angled slightly upward, palm down, fingers straight. Yup, that’s right – the Nazi salute wasn’t started by the Nazis. Once they picked it up, we decided “oh, fuck, that’s not who we want to be associated with” seeing as how they killed millions of people, so we switched to the hand over heart bit. But anyway, again, not a law, not a rule, a tradition. See, it can’t be a law because the choice to stand or not stand in protest is a form of free speech protected under the 1st Amendment. The government requiring you to stand for the anthem would be a constitutional violation.
Now, could the NFL, as a private business, institute a rule saying that its players are required to stand? Sure, they could. But it isn’t a rule. So Kaepernick isn’t breaking a rule, and the league can’t punish him. Could they add a rule like that? Yeah, but they won’t. Why not, you may ask? Because the NFL didn’t become the monolithic success that it is by being fucking stupid. What business wants to be the one to say to a minority employee “you must give up your constitutional rights to work here?” Are you insane? Do you understand the PR nightmare, not to mention the potential civil rights lawsuit, that would generate? They may, MAY, have a chance of prevailing in the inevitable lawsuit that would result from that rule – if they can show that they are applying the rule absolutely, positively uniformly across the board. But if Kaepernick can show one instance of one player exercising speech in contravention to the League’s rule and not being punished for it, they would be fucked. And either way, they get to be the League that doesn’t honor American freedoms. Yeah, that’s a great fucking reputation. So what possible reason do they have to do it?
Some have tried to tell me “well we will boycott the NFL until they punish him and make him stand!” Fuck you. Go ahead. Boycott. All of you. Let’s say 100,00 people give up any and all NFL football (won’t happen, but let’s pretend) – the NFL won’t even fucking notice. There are waiting lists for tickets. Those seats will be filled. That merch will be sold. Those $10 beers will be drunk. So by all means, exercise your right to free speech by boycotting the NFL. Ironically, you’re exercising the same right that you feel Kaepernick shouldn’t be allowed to exercise. And even more ironically, odds are that neither side will actually effect any real change through this. But by all means, you petty assholes, don’t come to the stadium. That’s fewer imbeciles I have to tolerate. But DO NOT attempt to tell me that you have the right to tell Kaepernick that he can’t exercise his rights. You have no goddamn idea what you are talking about.
Now, on to something happier – depending on your tastes (ha!). You see, I mentioned last time that my best friend, Amber, gifted me with an adorable new whiskey holder in an attempt to mock my blogging efforts. It’s actually holding my whisky now. Well, was. It needs a refill. Anyway, I was so touched that I told her I would add a segment to the blog at her request. She requested #FrozenFoodFridays (let’s get that trending, people) in which I am to review frozen foods. She likely thought I would not do this. She was wrong.
Welcome to the inaugural edition of #FrozenFoodFridays! I’m your host, star, reviewer, and living god, Evil Wizard, Esq.! Tonight – Stouffer’s French Bread pizza!
I’ve loved this shit since I was old enough to operate the oven without burning myself, which has to be at least a couple years now. Seriously, they’re relatively cheap, well portioned (though in my wild youth I’d just eat both of them in the box at once, fat ass that I was) and surprisingly tasty. There are, however, a few downsides. First of all, they take a while to make – roughly 30 minutes in the oven and that’s after it’s preheated. Depending on your oven this could be minutes or so long you’ve already eaten three ice cream sandwiches and aren’t fucking hungry anymore. Also, your window of opportunity for optimal enjoyment is approximately 3.2 seconds long, as this is the only time that the pizza has cooled enough that it won’t instantly incinerate the entire roof of your mouth with its molten lava sauce and yet not gotten cold and congealed. The timing of this window varies with environmental factors and is difficult to predict. My preferred method – fuck it, just the the thing right out of the oven. Yeah, it’s gonna hurt, but after the initial excruciating burning, your mouth goes into shock and doesn’t feel pain anymore, and you can then enjoy the rest of the delicious pizza before the throbbing pain sets in.
So that’s it for this edition of #FrozenFoodFridays! Next week – broccoli! Or something else. I don’t know.
For now, kids, remember – Donald Trump’s biggest idol as a leader is Vladimir Putin. Putin has a hobby of having critics and opponents assassinated. Trump sees this as “strong leadership.” Now I can’t be sure, but there may be a case here that by voting for Donald Trump, you’re an accessory to murder. – EWE