Greets and welcome back, minions and minionettes! I do hope you enjoyed our guest contributor last time, the ever-loving-to-tell-me-what-a-loser-I-am Malevolent Moogle! She did so great that I am thinking of dumping more work off on- I mean, asking her to come back and contribute more often! But that isn’t the first time you have all been introduced to the maniacal mind of MM – no, she actually was the inspiration for everybody’s favorite segment here! That’s right – it’s time for #FrozenFoodFridays!
Tonight, we have an extremely versatile vittle – is it a snack? Is it a side dish? Is it a meal unto itself? The answer depends on how many you have, the variety, and just how pathetically lonely and sad your sorry excuse for existence has become. (Editor’s Note: EWE prepares these as a meal by seasoning them using salt from the actual tears he is shedding while realizing that he is preparing them as a meal for himself.) Hey, fuck you editor! Don’t you mock me! (Editor’s Note: I’m you. You are writing this. You literally just told yourself to go fuck…yourself.) Moving on…
Well, no matter in what capacity you serve them, Mrs. T’s Frozen Pierogies definitely won’t disappoint you!
Now, there are a few different ways that you can prepare these little frozen wonders, but here is what I like to do – I heat some olive oil and butter in a wok (and sometimes add some minced garlic, if you’re in the mood, and you fucking should be because garlic is amazing), and then add the frozen pierogies and saute them until they’ve turned golden brown, very much like the lovely picture on the front of the box. (Editor’s Note: EWE learned this from putting puzzles together while staring at the box art as a child.) SHUT. UP. Ahem – be sure to stir/turn/physically manipulate in your manner of choosing the pierogies as they cook, and don’t overcook them or the goddamn smoke alarm goes off and if you live in an apartment you feel like a fucking idiot. Or so I’ve been told.
Once they are cooked to perfection, just serve them and eat them. Be sure to cut open the first few to let the filling cool a bit – unless you don’t give a shit about your tongue or having skin on the roof of your mouth, in which case, just toss that bastard in there whole, moron.
And here is a bonus preparation method that I discovered while drunk a while back – instead of the oil and butter, you can saute these in beer. No, seriously – it turns out great. Assuming that 1. you like beer, and 2. you use actual beer, not Bud or Miller or some shit like that. Seriously – go buy a goddamn oatmeal stout, pour some of that in with the pierogies – delicious.
And there you have it – a delicious snack/side/meal and a drink (or 5) to go with it! I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of #FrozenFoodFridays – but if you haven’t, well, I’ve just about had my fill of bitchy people this week, so I’m pretty sure you know what I’m going to tell you what you can do. But since I know none of you would still be reading this if you DIDN’T like it, that doesn’t need to happen! So until next time, kids, remember – if you’re poor and don’t pay your taxes so that you have some money to buy food and keep your heat on, you’re a criminal and are likely going to be prosecuted. But if you’re filthy rich and don’t pay your taxes, you’re a goddamn genius who should be nominated to be president despite any blatant signs of dementia that you may display. And that is the American Dream! – EWE