I’m going to level with you, kids – it has not been a good week. I am not in a good mood. I thought I was going to witness a historical event for you humans earlier this week: you were going to follow the first African-American president in the history of America with the first female president in the history of America. And I could genuinely respect her, too – evil, but not TOO evil. Just skilled and experienced politician level evil. But then the goddamned ignorant masses did what they always do and fucked it all up. Instead of doing the intelligent thing, and electing a leader that they may not have liked, but who was good at, you know, fucking leading – they went with the goddamn motherfucking psychotic sex offender. And so now…now I’m stuck with four fucking years of this.
You know, over the centuries I’ve tried to separate the wheat from the chaff for you people. I’ve plagued some stupid fuckers, I’ve burned your cities to thin out the herd, I’ve even sunk an advanced civilization or two to the bottom of the sea so that the rest of you wouldn’t feel too inferior. But every once in a while, I have to stand back and see what you’ve learned, what you can do on your own. AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING REWARD ME?!
You know what, that’s it. There comes a time when things have gotten so abso-fucking-lutely awful that literally ANY solution is acceptable, no matter how destructive or collaterally damaging it may be. That’s right – the Godzilla Threshold. When things have gotten so bad that releasing an all-powerful incarnation of destruction is actually THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME. And you insignificant fleshbags didn’t just cross the threshold, you threw yourself over it like a drunk frat boy belly-flopping into the pool. And like that drunk frat boy, I hope those of you who thought voting for this orange muppet was a good idea will enjoy drowning when the goddamn polar ice caps melt. Because me and the big G will sure enjoy watching it.
And that mind-bendingly stupid outcome to the US election, coupled with dealing with a few other, more personal failings, leads us into this week’s #FrozenFoodFridays. Now, you may ask, what kind of icy treat might EWE use to lift his spirits in these troubled times? Some more ice cream? Perhaps another dessert?
Fuck no. We are WELL past the point of that.
What’s that? Jaegermeister isn’t a “frozen food?” Well, there are only two ways to store this particular liquor – 1. in the freezer, and 2. improperly. So shut the fuck up. It gets stored in the freezer, ergo, it counts for #FrozenFoodFridays.
Needless to say, there isn’t much prepping involved here, but there are any number of ways in which to enjoy this delicious herbal spirit. Of course, you can just drink it by the shot, or on election night, chug it straight from the bottle. But if you aren’t trying to put yourself into a coma for the next four years, there are also some tasty beverages that you can prepare for your next pointless human social gathering. There is the classic Dr. Jaeger, which as one might expect is a mixture of Jaeger and Dr. Pepper soda. And of course, mixing liquor, almost any liquor, with Coke usually turns out alright. A relatively new one is to mix Jaeger with Mt. Dew Pitch Black – a bit more citrus than the other soda-based drinks.
There is the ever-popular Jaeger Bomb, combining Jaeger and Red Bull. My preference is for the Ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb – Jaeger, black cherry energy drink, and grenadine. And for those of you that feel like getting VERY creative, mix yourself some Black Blood. Pour 2 oz of Blue Curacao liquor, 1 oz of Jaeger, and 1 oz of Squirt citrus soda into a shaker with ice, shake well and serve.
And with that, #FrozenFoodFridays comes to an end once again. But before I go, I want to speak directly to all of the celebrating Trump supporters out there. I keep hearing how you’re tired of being called bigots and racists just because you voted for a racist bigot. Let me give you a bit of perspective: thanks to your votes, there are MILLIONS of Americans who are afraid for their lives. They are afraid they are going to have their families ripped apart, afraid to worship their religion freely, afraid to be darker complected than your average Western European, afraid that their marriages that they just finally won the right to have are going to be taken away. So let me be as clear as I possibly can – I care a metric fuck-ton more about THEIR feelings than I do about how YOU’RE feeling right now. You don’t want to be called racist? Here’s a thought – don’t choose a racist to represent what you believe. It’s not fucking rocket science. And I know, I know…there were a lot of different considerations that went into your vote, right? Well, you forgot one detail about this nation – IT’S MINE. All of the talk about how the progressives are soft and weak and politically correct – THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO ME. I had this continent of misfits finally heading in something vaguely resembling the right direction – and now you’ve derailed the whole goddamn thing. So here is what your friendly neighborhood EWE has to tell you – I am now going to have to spend four years putting out this raging dumpster fire that you started, and then start guiding us back just to where we ALREADY FUCKING WERE before we can make any more ACTUAL PROGRESS. I am suggesting that you stay out of the way. But if you decide not to, well…it’s not like I need much incentive for disproportionate retribution, do I? – EWE