Well hello once again, my ravenous rapscallions! Today I bring you a special entry in response to a reader request. Well, actually, I don’t even know if she reads this. But she asked for a recipe of mine, and I’m putting that recipe here – so I know she’s going to read at least ONE of these blogs! But since this isn’t Friday, and the dish in question doesn’t involve anything frozen, I needed a different gimmick. I debated #MunchieMonday, but that just seemed to easy. So I arrived at #OmNoMonday. Will this be a new regular segment? Well…define “regular.” If “regular” to you means “whenever EWE decides to do it” then yes, yes it will.
Now on this first #OmNoMonday ever, I have been requested/instructed to provide my super-ultra-secret recipe for delicious roasted brussel sprouts!
What’s that, you say? You don’t like brussel sprouts? Oh, never fear – I can fix that in three easy steps! Step 1: Shut up. Step 2: Never contradict me again. Step 3: Follow this simple and delicious recipe and you’ll now love brussel sprouts. See, wasn’t that easy?
Now, there are very few required ingredients here, and a few optional ones. But the most notable thing about my recipe is that the measurements are…let’s go with “vague.” This is because I developed this recipe during the consumption of several adult beverages by basically just combining things and eyeballing the amounts. Now, onto the show!
- Brussel Sprouts (like, 1 lb? A bag? However many you’ll fucking eat?)
- Olive Oil (roughly 3 tablespoons, assuming you’re in the neighborhood of 1 lb of sprouts)
- Ground Black Pepper (How much? Well, how peppery do you like things?)
- Balsamic Vinegar (a few dribbles, maybe up to a single tablespoon – nothing too overpowering)
- Crushed Red Pepper Flakes (the more the merrier, er, spicier)
- Ground White Pepper (ditto)
Now, you can even simplify further I suppose by just using the sprouts and the olive oil and forgoing any pepper at all…but then you and I both know that you’re really making bitch brussels, and nobody wants to serve bitch brussels, right?
Anyway, onto the preparation instructions!
- Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
- Rinse your brussel sprouts, cut off the brown stem ends, and cut each sprout in half.
- In a medium-large mixing bowl, combine all your other ingredients (olive oil, black pepper, crushed red pepper, white pepper, balsamic vinegar).
- Dump the cut brussel sprouts into the bowl and cover it tightly with a lid, a plate, saran wrap, whatever.
- Using both hands to keep a secure grip on the bowl and ensure the lid remains tightly in place, vigorously shake the bowl like it’s a relative that voted for Trump.
- Check to make sure the cut sprouts are thoroughly coated with the mixture, then spread them in a single layer on a baking sheet.
- Bake at 400 for ~40 minutes. You can, if desired, turn the sprouts over halfway through in order for them to brown equally on either side, but in practice, this isn’t necessary.
And voila! Now you like brussel sprouts. Or at least you should – if not, it isn’t the sprouts, there is something wrong with you. You should feel bad. These are obviously tasty fresh from the oven, but be sure to refrigerate any leftovers because they might actually be even better chilled as a snack, in my opinion!
And with that, the first-ever #OmNoMonday comes to a close! So remember kids – eat your vegetables, or you’ll wind up a bitter, pathetic hermit, living alone, unloved by anyone…actually, even if you eat your vegetables, that’s still a possible outcome. Goddammit. – EWE