Merry, Happy Whatever, creatures…yes, it’s that special time of year where you all gather together in your strange, generational units and promptly remind each other why you only do that once a year. And yet you continue to repeat that same poor life choice…every year. As for me, it’s that time of year where I detest most things even more than I normally do, but this year has been special. This year has, bar none, been the worst year of my life. It’s not even a contest, really. There was the scarlet-haired witch who decided that “fiance” was just a when-you-feel-like-it kind of thing; there’s the fact that Paul Zindle is an actual lifeform that continues to exist and draw breath in the same plane of existence that I do; and let’s not even get started on the last couple of months. Honestly, it’s a wonder I haven’t torched this mudball to a cinder ages ago. Of course, maybe it’s me. Maybe I owe everyone an apology.
But, one of the brighter spots in this absolute hellhole has been…you. You humans reading this right now. See, I didn’t think anyone would notice this. This was basically a way for me to talk to myself, without looking insane (Editor’s Note: more insane) to everyone around me. But then some of you liked it. And then more of you. And you talked back to me. You laughed with me. You shared the joys of loathing humanity with me.
And so for you people, I present – EWE’s Evil Holiday Green Bean Casserole of Doom.
- One bag frozen green beans (after all, it is #FrozenFoodFridays)
- One can chicken broth
- One can cream of mushroom soup.
- One container of French’s French Fried Onions
- Shredded cheddar cheese
- Black pepper
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. In a medium saucepan, combine the frozen green beans and chicken broth and heat, stirring occasionally, until not frozen anymore. Drain the beans.
In a baking dish or casserole, mix together the beans, cream of mushroom soup, about half the container of french fried onions, and black pepper to taste. Make sure everything is mixed together thoroughly and that it is spread evenly across the dish.
Place in the oven for 25 minutes or until the mixture is bubbling. Remove and cover the mixture with shredded cheese and the remaining onions. Return to oven for an additional five minutes or until the cheese is melted.
And now you have a classic dish for the godawful dinners that you are going to force yourself to sit through, you feeble fleshsacks. Now, if you’re REALLY wanting to get out of there, add some potassium chlor- (Editor’s Note: YOU CANNOT TELL THEM TO POISON THEIR HOLIDAY PARTIES.) What?! I’m not TELLING them to, I was just observing what someone could do…you know, if they so chose on their own, with no judgment whatsoever from me.
Ahem…anyway, humans…for what it’s worth, thank you for bothering to take the time to visit this lonely incarnation of hatred and malice. It has, and continues to, mean more than you know. – EWE