Hello, warm-blooded mammals! How are you all doing, hmm? Oh, me? Well – I’M FUCKING COLD!!! See, I arrived home from work Thursday to find my furnace broken, and my apartment 51 degrees. It was after hours, and in a rare moment of kindness/insanity, I left a message for my landlord that I would get through the night, but to please send someone the next day. The next day, I received a message that the heat had been fixed while I was at work – hooray! EWE was pleased – until I arrived home, once again after hours, on Friday to find my apartment…49 degrees. So this time, I called the emergency maintenance line, as my landlord wouldn’t be back in the office until Monday. The technician was quite nice…and quite overbooked, and couldn’t get to me until Saturday morning. Thus, this is how I spent my evening last night:
With all that being said…I am somewhat late, but I would be remiss if I didn’t give you another edition of #FrozenFoodFridays! Seeing as how I myself was fucking frozen on Friday, it seems appropriate that I bring you another frozen treat – and nothing says frozen like the classic Popsicle!
SHUT UP, EDITOR! I have NOT become THAT desperate! (Editor’s Note: Um, actually…) I swear, I will kill you. I don’t care if you’re me, or I’m you, or whatever. I will freeze and incinerate you/me/us right this second if you don’t shut up.
Ahem – now, if you were ever a child, and even bad old EWE was a child many, many, MANY years ago, then you likely know all you need to know here – go to the store, go to the frozen desserts, and purchase/barter/appropriate these. Alternatively, on a hot summer day, the ice cream truck may come by and you could purchase one from there, but you’ll overpay. Unless you melt the driver’s face, silence anyone in the vicinity, and get the Popsicle yourself. As a bonus, you also now have a new, if rather conspicuous, vehicle! (Editor’s Note: DO NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.) Ugh…killjoy. Now, as you likely already know, there are a TON of different flavors of Popsicle that you can find out there. But here is the real secret I am here to let you in on – the three in the image above are the only ones that matter. Mango, peach, banana, tropical coconut fucking a passionfruit…they can all go to hell. If you’re not enjoying cherry, grape, or orange (in that order) then you’re Popsicling wrong.
Sorry about the delay in the resumption of #FrozenFoodFridays – the heat seems to be working now, but even if it quits again (which the technician seems to think likely, goddammit) I fortunately have other sources of warmth…
Until next time, little ones, remember – even if it seems like I hate others, I probably hate myself more…and I fucking guarantee I hate Donald Trump far, far more than that.