Well, hello there, pathetic skin sacks! Nice to see you again. Now, if you’ve been coming here long (and if you have and are still alive, kudos) then you’re well aware that for all I may have a burning hatred for the human race…I hate myself nearly as much. I mean, fair is fair – I’m not going to point out all of the flaws inherent in your feeble makeup without acknowledging my own as well. And so it only seems natural that as the next game I give you my insightful opinion on be the latest in From Software’s masochistic monument to self-loathing – Dark Souls III.
Now then – I’ll just create myself a character, and then it’s off to breeze through the tutor- HOW IN THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I DEAD ALREADY?! Ok, ok – Souls games have never been my absolute favorite or anything, so let’s just be patient. Now then, that’s better – got the hang of these small fry, and now to beat down the first boss. AH, FUCK! No problem – I’ve got his moves down, now I just need to- I FUCKING DODGED THAT! WHY AM I SWINGING MY WEAPON WHEN I HIT DODGE! Alright, one more- FUCKING MOVE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Stab, stab, stab, stab….
I mean, it’s not like the controls aren’t responsive or adequate – they do exactly what I input. Almost too well. I mean, sure, maybe I DID hit the attack button twice, but then I dodged, so why can’t I just interrupt the attack animation and dodge? And why am I quaffing a flask while literally being speared directly in the face right now? WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF?!
Well, at least if I’m going to be brutally and repeatedly slaughtered in all manner of horrible ways, it is at least fairly pleasant to behold. Lothric and it’s denizens are beautifully horrifying to behold – crumbling castles patrolled by gruesome abominations. And the sounds of my skull being crushed and impaled are faithfully rendered…over and over and over and over…
And thus sums up not only my time so far with Dark Souls III, but with the entire Demon’s Souls / Dark Souls lineage – excellent games that I just happen to be godawful at and which take my already high levels of rage and anxiety and ratchet them up to levels where I honestly don’t know how I have not suffered an aneurysm yet. But I suppose that while the frustration with these games is very real, it is a testament to them that I continue to come back over and over again – they aren’t frustrating in a “I regret this purchase” way, but more of a “you goddamn bastard, I fucking swear I will get you next time” way.
If you like and extreme challenge and don’t mind a little mind-bending frustration along the way, do yourself a favor and check this game out. It also happens to be the most user-friendly of the Souls series and a perfect game to introduce new players to its punishing style of gameplay. Just make sure you’ve hidden all the sharp objects from yourself before starting. Not because you might harm yourself – but there’s always a useless human around to vent your frustration on, and then you’ll have to hide the body and placate the survivors and it’s just a huge headache. (Editor’s Note: Um, there’s also the fact that it’s frowned upon). Details, details – stop being such a Negative Nancy.
That’s all for tonight, friends. Now if you will excuse me, I believe that I have hurt myself enough for tonight. I need to rest up so that I can find new ways to make myself miserable tomorrow. Until then, take care! – EWE