Greets, humans! It’s been a bit of a whirlwind this past week or so, so let’s get right to it, shall we?
First thing’s first, good ol’ (and by that I mean REALLY FUCKING OLD) EWE had himself a birthday last week. Yeah, don’t worry – it kinda sucked. It was a horrifically awful work day, and most of the small group of people I’d have most like to have celebrated with actually DIDN’T REMEMBER IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY. On the plus side though, it did manage to reaffirm my long held, but sometimes shaken belief in the human species. Even when I meet folks like Malevolent Moogle or all of you fine blogging folk out there, and begin to think that your species has some potential, water always finds its level, and the balance of humanity always manages to sink well below any bar that might be set for it, no matter how low. But hey – I’m still alive, so there’s always time!
As a present for not being dead yet, the universe decided to present me with the question “how the hell aren’t you dead yet?” You see, hypertension runs in my veins (HA! I slay me) having reared it’s ugly head in a number of my ancestors. Diet, exercise, protection spells, ritual blood sacrifices – nothing seems to help. So after a year on a blood pressure med, my cardiologist called me in for a checkup. After first asking me such inane questions as “any stresses in your personal life?” and having me scowl silently at him for several moments before awkwardly moving on, he determined that my blood pressure…was still too high. So he prescribed a second med to go with the first, and said to call in with my blood pressure numbers after one month. And so I did – I reported that after one month of taking his second med as directed, my blood pressure had managed to actually go up further. I’m awaiting word on what the hell I am supposed to do now. And while I wait, I was sitting at work when I received the following phone call.
“Hi, it’s Mom! Are you busy?”
“No, it’s ok – is everything alright?”
“Now, I don’t want you to panic or anything – ” (Editor’s Note: This is never a good lead.) ” – but I was just at my doctor, and they are saying I recently had a heart attack.”
“They aren’t sure, probably within the last couple of weeks – but don’t worry! I’m fine, I’m even driving to physical therapy!”
“…YOU HAD A HEART ATTACK, AND NOW YOU’RE DRIVING BY YOURSELF, AND THAT’S SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?!?!”
First off, Evil Mom is fine. She’s home, and she’s being closely watched. But everything about that conversation is a sample of why when the cardiologist asks “any personal stress?” I just stare at him in abject fury.
But all is not doom and gloom! Yes, it is my favorite season of the year – fall! Autumn! 92 fucking degrees and humid! Wait, that’s not right…anyway, in celebration of the season, let me share with you my favorite fall morning fix, and save you a trip to Starbucks every day. Here is EWE’s Fall Coffee!
So here is what you will need: a standard drip coffeemaker, a coffee bean grinder, your favorite cinnamon coffee beans, nutmeg, pumpkin spice, ginger, ground clove, vanilla extract, and Coffee-Mate Pumpkin Spice Creamer. Grind the beans based upon how much coffee you want, place in the filter, then add just a dash of each of the spices above. Be particularly careful with the ginger, clove, and vanilla – just a bit of each is powerful and can quickly overpower the other flavors. Brew the coffee, pour, and add just a touch of the pumpkin spice creamer. Voila – with minimal effort, you have the best fall coffee on the face of the earth.
Now go make some and enjoy what are looking like the last days of my body’s functional lifespan! – EWE