If You Voted Trump, You Are Not Going To Like This Post

As you know, humans, I like to try and keep it pretty light here (Editor’s Note: well, relatively speaking…) shut it you, I am NOT in the fucking mood right now. (Editor’s Note: yeah, I know.) I like to talk about my boys, I like to talk about my cats, I like to talk about my games – hell, I’ll even admit what a pathetic personal life I tend to have. Sure, I take the occasional shot at the flaming dumpster full of dog shit that occupies the White House currently, but I try to keep it to a minimum…for me.

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Please come back. Please. I will literally sacrifice as many lives as it takes.

But then after two years in the making, Robert Mueller delivered his report on the Trump election. Now, I know some might say “EWE, you’re just a salty liberal angry that Mueller exonerated the Presi- ARRRRGGGGHHHH!” And after I was done setting them on fire, I would respond to their writhing, screaming form that no, that is not the case. You see, I don’t know that Mueller exonerated Trump. I know that Mueller prosecuted and convicted a whole bunch of Trump’s circle of a whole lot of shit. But I don’t know anything about what Mueller concluded in his report, and neither does anyone reading this because the only thing we’ve gotten is A FUCKING FOUR PAGE SUMMARY FROM TRUMP’S HAND-PICKED CRONY AG!

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Clearly an innocent man.

Let me try to put this into perspective. I have read Darwin’s Origin of Species. If you were to ask me “what did Darwin conclude in Origin of Species?” and I were to respond with a note card that said “Darwin said that humans are just shaved apes” then you would not, in fact, know what Darwin had fucking concluded. You would just know what I told you. And to make this EVEN MORE FUCKING RIDICULOUS, Barr has now also said that he will not release the Mueller report until the White House has had a chance to make edits to it. Well why the fuck haven’t I thought of that before?! Attention courts: going forward, I’m afraid that we won’t be able to introduce any evidence into trials until myself and my client have been able to fucking edit it in order to remove anything that might make us look bad. And in order to even BE attorney general, Barr has to be, ostensibly, an attorney – so he fucking knows better, he just doesn’t care! (Editor’s Note: calm down, your blood pressure is going up.) You know, for once you’re right…I think I need some music or something to help me relax.

Whew…that is so much better. Now, what were we talking – oh fuck, that’s right. Listen, fleshbags…I have tried very, VERY hard to be patient with you. I have, against my better judgment on more than one occasion, refrained from summoning an army of hellspawn to just depopulate your species from the earth. But SOME of you – probably the ones that have not read this far – are making a quite compelling argument for me to stop holding myself back. So if you have some of those in your life, just remember – there are 6 billion of you on the planet. It won’t miss a few here and there. Because this…

And while Richard – and I – may not care whose side we’re on…you meatbags will. – EWE

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The Elder – and Younger – Scrolls

Ho there, adventurous humans! Gather ’round and here a tale of magic and mysticism…of warfare and wonder…of evil and, um, pretty much more evil. Yes, I speak of the founding of the fledgling group of mercenaries and traders known as Murder and Mayhem Inc.

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Yes, mortals, what this means for those that don’t know is that my eldest spawn, Beefer (Editor’s Note: Not only does he not hate the nickname he’s had since birth, but he actively uses it as a handle online) managed to convince me to join him in playing The Elder Scrolls Online. As someone who has put many, MANY hours into MorrowindOblivion, and Skyrim – not to mention Fallout 3 and Fallout 4 (or as a wise woman once said, The Best Fallout) – I’d heard good things about the MMO chapter in the Elder Scrolls saga. So, with a new expansion on the horizon, Beefer convinced me that this was the best time for me to join him in Tamriel and journey the land together, questing and battling foes as father and son. Until I played with him for the first time, whereupon he had me follow him to a shadowy shrine, turned around, and drained my blood, inflicting me with vampirism. “Hey, cool, I really CAN turn others into vampires at this level!” Whereupon, he left to go fight endgame monsters that I couldn’t even look at without dying.

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In fairness, what else would Evil Wizard Esq be but a Vampire Sorcerer?

Thus, it was left for me to begin the long path to joining my treacherous little Beef in the upper echelons of killing ability. Fortunately, ESO is a dream to play. The combat and questing combine the best of Elder Scrolls style with slight twists on the modern WoW MMO formula. Positioning and active aiming of your abilities is generally required, but is not difficult thanks to crosshairs on the HUD as well as smart hit detection by the game engine itself. You can play in both first- and third-person, but generally I find it much more advantageous to play in third-person, as there are so many ground effects to avoid and battlefield variables to be aware of that the zoomed-out, or even over-the-shoulder third-person views are far less frustrating than the first-person. There are a myriad of classes that at first seem to fall within the standard tank-healer-dps trinity, but with the dozens of different skill trees in the game, can all become self-sufficient while also remaining viable for group play. Really, I can’t say enough about the character customization – it is superbly balanced and fun to play around with.

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But the true icing on the cake is the questing. While world building and lore have always been a strong suit of the Elder Scrolls, and Bethesda games in general, they absolutely outdid themselves with ESO. Quests are leveled to your experience level – no more picking up quests at level 10 and then finding them not worth completing a few levels later. Instead, the enemies and rewards are tailored to your characters ability at the time they are encountered and it makes it so much more immersive when going through the dozens of quest lines available in every zone of the game. And you’ll want to go through them because every zone is a treat for the senses – absolutely beautiful, with fantastic ambient audio, music, and voice acting.

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I have thoroughly enjoyed my time thus far in ESO and cannot wait to keep exploring its nooks and crannies. If you are a fan of Elder Scrolls games, MMOs, high fantasy in general, or any combination of them, I encourage you to give it a try. It is free to play once you purchase the game itself, but it has an optional subscription that if you find yourself enjoying the game is well worth the price – giving all content updates as well as various premium perks and rewards on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.

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Until next time, see you in Tamriel, humans! – EWE