Sorry – I’m Not Dead Yet

I’m not going to apologize for being absent for a while, mostly because I’ve had pretty good reason.  I will say that I have greatly missed communicating with all of you – but I’ll try to make up for it a bit by filling you in on some of the reasons for my absence.

First off, as some of you may have noticed from the godawful fucking heat and humidity, it’s summer!  This has meant that my two little evil-mages-in-training have been on a break from their studies and been wanting to spend time under the burning flame ball in the sky, like this:

Image may contain: 15 people, people smiling, people standing, shorts and outdoor

But since not just MY family, but ALL SORTS of people are ALSO much more active during the summer months, my work as a public defender has been extremely busy as well – and the ratio of incompetent/insane clients has gone WAAAAAY up.  Let me tell you just exactly how mentally draining it is when you are trying to explain to someone that murdering ducks is, in fact, a crime, and they are fervently telling you that it’s ok because the five-faced devil told them to do it…

Image result for multi-headed beast
Because listening to this guy is just a fantastic idea.

And just in case increased work, increased time with the younglings, and caring for my feline overlord Zero while gaming and reading wasn’t enough, I decided upon advice from my little sis, the absolutely hilarious Kate Quigley, I decided to try making people laugh the old-fashioned way – so I’ve started doing some open mic nights at local bars and coffee houses and doing a little stand up.  Well, I suppose some might call it stand up…for me, it’s kinda just group therapy, where I get to talk about my issues and not bill my insurance!

Of course, it can’t all be upside – about six weeks ago, my fibromyalgia went into (I thought) a flare up.  It happens from time to time, based on weather and pressure changes, and normally I just grit my teeth and within a few days it is back to its normal level of constant-but-not-totally-debilitating pain.  But this time…it didn’t.  After two weeks, I contacted my doctor, and she gave me a significant injection of steroids due to the fact that my fibro meds were having no effect.  If it was fibro alone, the steroids would likely have made it worse, but if they helped, then there might be more going on.  Well…they sure as hell helped at first.  For about two days, I was Superman.  For two more, I was, you know…normal?  But then I was right back where I was before the shot.  Now I was going on a month of mind-numbing pain, and my doctor was out of normal options, so I am currently scheduled and waiting to see a rheumatologist in September.  Needless to say, going through all of the daily activities I described above while wracked with physical pain is…tiring.  So many are the day I have come home and couldn’t even find the energy to game or read, let alone write to you all.  So I would perform my ritual worship of Zero and collapse into bed, where he would then sit on my chest in an effort to comfort me (or kill me, I’m not entirely sure).

But take heart – all is not lost!  First, I am finding time to engage in some reading and gaming, so I will have some opinions on those fronts coming soon!  Look forward in particular to my review of Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age, as it captured me even harder than the original PS2 game did, and that was one of my favorite PS2 RPGs.  And now, if I can FUCKING REMEMBER TO HIT RECORD, I can even now and then provide you with some footage from my open mic stand up gigs – you know, in case you don’t have enough to mock me for yet, irritating mortal fleshbags (Editor’s Note: That’s not nice; they’ve always been very supportive.)

EWE and Editor Return

So before I go, I wanted to give you one last thing – a bit of the old and the new all in one.  You see, I have not been able to do much experimenting in my kitchen of late – but I have needed quite a bit of caffeine.  And so I wish to recommend a particular purveyor of pure coffee goodness – Carpe Diem Coffee Shop, in my own hometown of Canton, Ohio.  Now, while I fully understand that many of you cannot travel to their actual location (which is a goddamn shame, because it is fantastic), you CAN order their absolutely amazing coffee right through their site to be shipped to you!  I in particular recommend the Blueberry Crumble – and by “recommend” I mean “until you have tasted this, your pitiful, meager lives are wholly incomplete.”

So with that, humans, I bid you adieu for the time being.  But lest you forget, as always, if you are a Trump supporter, I suppose you have something notable you can attest to – it took 240+ years for America to progress to the point that it had this past January, and it has taken Trump only six months to set it back in many ways to before it was ever founded in the first place.  Congratu-fucking-lations. – EWE


Dungeons & Dragons and MORE Dungeons & Dragons

Salutations, creatures!  I’ve missed you, too – so much so that I’ve found myself slaughtering villages out of irritability rather than solely for funsies, like I normally do.  But now here we are, together again, and just in time to discuss one of my favorite all-time subjects – Dungeons & Dragons.  Now, what brings this on, you may ask?  Well, answering that leads us to the first recommendation I have for you this week!


A while back, I was in the bookstore and saw this sitting there and realized I had never before explored the Dragonlance campaign setting of D&D.  Also, I have a tendency to read several books at a time, and I wasn’t reading any fantasy novels at that moment.  And since this was the first book in the campaign setting, I couldn’t help but jump headfirst into YET ANOTHER fictional universe that will end up costing me lots of time and money to fully explore.  But…should I even bother?

So, the story behind the Dragonlance setting is that Weis and Hickman decided that classic Dungeons & Dragons was somewhat lacking in the dragon part of the equation, and so they decided to remedy that.  Now, this series was originally published beginning in 1984, and it wasn’t exactly the most original of works.  Tanis Half-Elven, a (gasp!) half-elf jack-of-all-trades, his surly dwarven warrior ally Flint, stoic and honorable knight Sturm, and twin brothers Caramon (a kind, gigantic, and simple-minded warrior) and Raistlin (a laughably evil mage) are a classic adventuring party who find themselves drawn into a quest to protect barbarian princess Goldmoon and her love, Riverwind, after the pair discover a mysterious crystal staff and subsequently rediscover the clerical magic of the lost gods of Krynn.

This is all about managing your expectations.  If you’re looking for the next coming of Tolkien, well, keep looking.  But even though this world and it’s characters feel like they were taken from ye olde grab bagge of fantasy tropes, just because they are tropey doesn’t mean they aren’t well-crafted and developed.  As the first book in a trilogy, Autumn Twilight does a fantastic job of resolving it’s own internal plot while still introducing plenty of elements to set up the larger conflict.  All-in-all, if you’re a fan of classic fantasy settings and stories, Dragons of Autumn Twilight is a fun, breezy read.  Recommended!


All the reading about D&D had me hankering for some classic D&D video gaming, and it doesn’t get more classic than Baldur’s Gate!  I originally played it way back in the day, but the great folks at Beamdog decided that it was time to update this classic masterpiece for modern gaming systems.  And what a fantastic job they did with that – maintaining the classic elements of the game while retouching the visuals and adding some quality of life improvements that the original release lacked.  Hence we have Baldur’s Gate Enhanced Edition.

Ah, the sweet Infinity Engine.

Now, for you younger people out there, Baldur’s Gate was designed off of the classic Advanced D&D 2nd Edition rules, which are very different from the modern rules many of you may be used to.  While the mechanics are all handled by the engine behind the scenes, it still results in a much higher early-game difficulty level than any modern equivalent.  Expect to spend lots of time in combat watching everyone swing and miss everyone else.  But that isn’t to say that all of the archaic elements of the game are left untouched – the previous journal in the game was next to useless in keeping track of quests, but the new journal function is much better.  But that isn’t the biggest news – Beamdog, in addition to releasing Enhanced Editions of Baldur’s Gate and it’s sequel, it also developed and released an entirely new expansion – Siege of Dragonspear.  Intended to bridge the gap between Baldur’s Gate and Baldur’s Gate II, I can’t wait to finish running my half-elf cleric/mage through the first game so I can see what this new adventure has to offer.


These are clearly absolute classics, but that isn’t to say they are perfect.  Inventory management is still pretty awful even with the efforts Beamdog took to improve it.  You will still be loading saved games after your party is decimated by gibberlings.  You’ll still probably swear several times that you’ve rolled a useless character and start over.  But in the end, you’ll love it, because they just don’t make games like this anymore.

Until next time, kiddos, remember – as great as D&D is, sometimes you roll a 1…just like the entire United States did in the last election. – EWE

The Empire Falls, The Phantom Thieves Rise, and What You Should Be Reading

Greets, humans!  Please excuse any typos or less-coherent-than-normal ranting – maybe it’s the combination of inability to sleep and crippling exhaustion, I don’t know.  But if there is one benefit to using almost all of hours in the day to not rest, it’s that there are just SO MANY good games to play and shows to watch and things to read right now!  So, let’s get right to it!

Cape Westwind

My journey through Eorzea in Final Fantasy XIV continued, as I finished eliminating the threat of the Primals by defeating the beautiful and sadistic Garuda…only for the Garlean Empire to finally make it’s move at conquest, unleashing Ultima Weapon, which promptly absorbed the powers of Ifrit, Titan, and Garuda with little effort.  As my Warrior of Light – side note, I find it hilarious when NPC characters greet me with some variation on “ah, most heroic Evil Wizard!” – and his allies regroup, it was determined that the only way to respond was to, you know…kill a bunch of Imperial officers, sack their bases, and destroy their Weapon.  And since wanton death and destruction are kind of, you know, MY THING, I gleefully slew my way through their ranks toward leader, High Grand Poobah Gaius Something-Or-Other.  Basically, my dungeon and raid parties looked something like this:

Ah, Richard…you truly are my spirit animal.  Anywho, after spilling rivers of Imperial blood, I finally found myself face-to face with Gaius and his shiny new toy.  Admittedly, he cuts an impressive figure.

Ultima Weapon

But, as I am wont to do, I melted his face.  And with that, I had completed all of the original Realm Reborn content of FF XIV, and I am now ready to start on the bridge content leading into the Heavensward expansion.  Cheer me on, maaaan!

Now, said progress may be somewhat slowed due to the absolutely phenomenal PS4 release of Persona 5.  Quite simply, this is one of the best, most stylish, and addicting JRPGs that I have played in years, maybe ever.  The combat is the deepest I’ve seen since SMT: Nocturne (yay demon negotiation!), the interface and graphics are incredibly slick, the soundtrack is pure bliss, and the “day in the life” sim elements are amazingly engrossing.


The writing is absolutely stellar.  From the main plot to the individual stories of all of your various “Confidants” – this games version of “Social Links” from prior entries in the series – every character is well developed, with a perfect balance between lightheartedness and gravitas.  The bottom line is this – Shin Megami Tensei is Atlus’s Final Fantasy, and some gamers may argue that it has equaled or even surpassed Square Enix’s venerable series.  Even more impressively, the Persona series is the rare offshoot series that has developed into something stands equal to, if not even surpasses, the entries in the main series.

EWE Says:

EWE Says P5

So, that’s what you should be playing…but hey, sometimes you just want to kick back and watch some anime, right?  RIGHT?!  (Editor’s Note: Just agree.  He’s not in the mood to argue.  There are only about four people he wouldn’t set on fire right now.)  AND YOU’RE NOT ONE OF THEM, SO SHUT UP!  Ahem…so, if you’ve been an anime and manga fan at all over the past 20 years, you should be familiar with Naruto.  Well, our lovable orange-jumpsuited ninja and all of his friends are all grown up following the end of their series, and conveniently paired up and bred like rabbits off screen in order for the adventures to continue in a new manga and anime series entitled Boruto: Naruto Next Generations.  The titular Boruto is the son of Naruto and Hinata, and is entering the Ninja Academy alongside all of his friends who look suspiciously like mashups of their fan-ship parents.


Now, while this could easily be dismissed as simply a retelling of Naruto in an attempt to cash in on the original series popularity with minimal effort, this would be a mistake and a discredit to the new series.  The world has truly evolved and become more modern since the end of the Fourth Great Ninja War, and the dreams, aspirations, and motivations of this new generation of shinobi are definitely not the same as that of their parents.  Speaking of which, all of your favorite characters that survived the war are accounted for in the new series, and watching them mature into leaders and parents is just as compelling as seeing the adventures of their children.  As a new anime series, the animation and production values are top-notch.  While I haven’t yet read the new manga, I intend to do so, as I read the entire original Naruto series and count myself as a fan.  Is it perfect?  Of course not – it’s a shonen manga so you know kind of what you’re getting, but as long as you know that going in, the world of Naruto and Co. is still a fun one to spend time in.  Recommended – find it on Hulu or Crunchyroll!

Now, I am always very pleased that all of you feeble mortals (Editor’s Note: WONDERFUL READERS) whatever, that you all come and partake of my wisdom here.  But, and I know this may come as a shock, there are other blogs that you should be checking out as well.  I know that I normally only want to talk about me – and I mean, I AM a lord of darkness – but I feel like it has been a while since I properly recognized and called attention to some of the other wonderful blogs out there, as well as the amazing people behind them that I have become fortunate enough to consider my friends.

LightningEllen’s Release – Friend, fellow INFJ, and my favorite Amiibo-collecting ninja LightningEllen shares her thoughts on gaming, life, and the ever-shifting, never-ending backlog.

Cheap Boss Attack – Video game writer, reviewer and friend Brad shares his insights on games old and new.

The Shameful Narcissist Speaks – Amazingly talented writer and deliciously evil cohort Ash1Rose puts her talent on display with fanfictions, essays, poetry and more.

The Well-Red Mage – A friend and one of the first people to welcome me into the blogging community, The Well-Red Mage and his majestic menagerie of mages are some of the most informative and entertaining authors of news, interviews, and reviews of video games both classic and contemporary.

Retr0pia – A friend who shares his thoughts on many a classic game, movie, or show, as well as the all-too-common modern reboots of them.

These are just the first group, just a few of the many wonderful writers out there sharing their gifts and talents will all of you humans.  Don’t miss the opportunity to enjoy their blogs!  See you all next time, mortals – but until then, remember: if we DON’T see each other again, it’s because a psychopathic man-child conned enough foolish, simple-minded fleshsacks into voting him president despite having no ability to handle the job and has likely started an apocalyptic war that has left the world in ruin and the human race extinct.  And that pisses me off because that’s MY schtick, and I don’t take kindly to gimmick infringement.  – EWE

Books, Booze, and…huh, I’ll be damned, Bears – Oh My!

Greets and salutes, mortals!  How are we this evening?  Me, you ask?  Oh, I’m experiencing…some rather bothersome discomfort (Editor’s Note: MIND BOGGLING PAIN) brought on primarily by the seasonal weather.  Rather than vent my irritation by converting my lovely apartment complex into a necromancy factory – good idea, that – I have instead settled on catching up with all of you.  Aren’t you lucky?!  The correct answer to that is yes.  Unless you like being set on fire.  Then feel free to answer no.

Now, as the title above would suggest, the first item on the agenda tonight is my latest literary lark.  Actually, lark might not be the best word, considering this is a 1500 page mammoth, but I like my alliteration, so fuck it – lark it is.  Anyway, if you recall WAY back when, I gave my impressions of Brandon Sanderson’s The Way of Kings, the first book in Sanderson’s epic fantasy series, The Stormlight Archives.  I’ll let you read my original impressions on that first book for yourself – but in short, I found it a very promising start to a series, particularly if you are a fan of Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time.  After finishing The Way of Kings, I eagerly started the second book of the series, Words of Radiance.


I am very pleased to say that if you were a fan of the first book, you will definitely find more to love in the second.  My primary complaint about TWoK was that it could be somewhat confusing in the way it blasted the reader with new information, concepts, and terminology – sometimes it required quite a bit of work on the part of the reader to piece these together into a coherent tapestry.  But by the time you’ve begun to read WoR, you have finished TWoK and are familiar with this world and its systems.  Consequently, as a reader you can focus on what Sanderson has shown himself to be a burgeoning master of – world and character building.

All of the major characters left standing at the end of  TWoK return for WoR, and some new ones are introduced as well.  The most developed characters, and likely by intention, are Kaladin and Shallan – but none of the characters lack for significant development here.  One of the elements that I love the most about this series so far is that these men and women are flawed – not in cliche, obvious ways, but in real, believable ways.  As with many epic, sweeping narratives, at this stage it is difficult to identify any card-carrying villains – while some characters actions or plots may seem more sinister, or less honorable, than others, it is made clear that each one is acting for what he or she truly believes is the greater good.  And the world itself is a character – Sanderson’s vivid descriptions and the way in which its harsh and violent nature impacts the characters and action add tremendously to the story.

Speaking of action, I am a big fan of the way Sanderson scripts his action sequences.  In particular, the climactic battle in the closing chapters is an absolute gem – I couldn’t stop reading until I’d finished it.  Quite frankly, that sentiment applies to the entirety of this novel – once I started it, it consumed all of my spare moments until I had finished it.  My biggest gripe is that based upon Sanderson’s website, the rough draft of Book Three is still only 95% complete – meaning it will still be quire some time before we have it in our hands.  Goddammit, Sanderson – how dare your massive creative endeavor take more time than I want to wait!

But what do you need when you are engrossed in a great book?  Why…a great drink, of course!  And nothing says fun like EWE’s Rum Punch!


This fun concoction that is relatively simple to make.  At it’s base, you’ll need Disaronno, Malibu / Captain Morgan Coconut Rum, cranberry juice, and orange juice.  Take a tall tumbler glass, fill with ice, then combine one part Disaronno, two parts rum, and fill the glass with equal parts cranberry and orange juice.  Garnish with a lime, cherry, or both, and enjoy.

But why let the fun stop there?  There are any number of varieties of flavored rum out there from both Captain Morgan and Malibu – pineapple, mango, passion fruit, etc.  You can also substitute other fruit juices, such as pineapple, cherry, etc.  So long as you base it with Disaronno and finish with orange juice, you’re going to be in good shape.  Well, until you have had four or five because they’re so damn good and you don’t notice the alcohol.  Then you might not be in good shape.  But fuck it – you won’t care!

And that brings us to bears.  Now, I’m sure you’re asking yourself, “how can even EWE possibly shoehorn bears into this in any kind of coherent way?

Never doubt me again, humans.

I was humbled and honored to be nominated for a PANDA Award by the lovely and talented LightningEllen at Conquering the Gaming Backlog.  Her blog is a true gem – while the title may give away that she is chronicling her epic journey through the ever-expanding backlog that we gamers inevitably accrue (I feel you, kid.  The struggle is real.  The struggle is real real), giving us her thoughts, impressions, reviews and insights along the way, that isn’t the end of the story.  From touching tributes on Remembrance Day, sharing slices of her life (I’m currently scheduling an Amiibo intervention for you), giving glimpses of upcoming games and demos – it is an absolute treat every time I catch up on your posts.  All of you, minions, go forth and follow her, read her words, and be better for it.  Or I will find you.  And then no one will find you.  EVER.  AGAIN.

As LightningEllen said in her post, this award is particularly special because it was founded by Mr. Panda, a mainstay here in the blogging universe who has always been quick with a kind word, comment, or critique in my short time here as a malevolent omnicidal demon blogger.  What makes this award different?  Well, I will quote LightningEllen, quoting The Shameful Narcissist, quoting Mr. Panda, because I can: “This award is much different from the other chain awards floating around out there. PANDA stands for ‘Play A New Day Award’. I’ll quote the Shameful Narcissist’s quote of Mr. Panda’s explanation: ‘I want to encourage others to play for another day. No matter what is going on, whether in the world, your country, your home, or even in your mind, I want you to play for a new day. We’re all in this together, and we can make it together.’

The rules for the PANDA are quite simple.

  1. Thank the person who nominated you.
  2. Nominate any number of people for the award.
  3. Encourage them in any way, whether through thanking or complimenting them.

In considering my nominations, I must first note that LightningEllen managed to nominate a number of the same folks that I would have as well – and her words for them would be echoed by me.  But in addition to those fine folks:

Anna at Anonymously Autistic – Autism is something near and dear to my heart, as my youngest son is autistic.  No matter how much I may try to learn about and understand what that means, all the science in the world is not as insightful as a look through the eyes of someone that sees the world in much the same way that he does.  For that, I can never thank you enough.  What you do is an amazing gift for so many people, autistic or not.

Donna at Dine And Rhyme – While it is no secret to anyone that reads my blog regularly that I LOVE FOOD, far fewer people know that I also have loved and admired poetry for most of my life.  My senior thesis in high school English was an original book of (horrendously awful) poetry.  Not only do I admire the work itself, but I have the utmost respect for people that put their thoughts and feelings into prose and then open themselves by putting those poems for the world to see.  Thank you for your blog.

Toreishi at Toreishi Games – told you before about the fantastic reviews over at Toreishi’s blog, but I think I’ve come to look forward even more so to any post titled “This is not a post and the cake is a lie.”  Because I know hilarity is about to ensue.

Beauty Beyond Bones – I don’t know if I even have sufficient words to express my respect for you.  I know something of dark places, and crawling out of them, and while we may not always agree on ideologies, you chronicle your struggles and triumphs with grace and eloquence, and in doing so, you are a source of inspiration for innumerable people that may be in a similar place.  You should be very proud – not just for your own journey, but for offering your experience to others as well.

And with that, my little ones, we come to the end of tonight’s journey.  As always, I am grateful and humbled that you joined me.  Whatever the cause of my sleepless nights – be it pain, confusion, loneliness, or what have you, I take solace in knowing that you are there.  If you ever need someone who has wronged you punished…or their family…or friends…or neighbors…you get the point – I’m your Evil Wizard. – EWE


Tomb Raider, The Way of Kings, and the Power of (Evil) Friendship

Welcome once again, my devoted minions!  We will be keeping things relatively positive once again tonight, and more on why toward the end.  Now, lets get down to it, shall we?

The recent announcement at E3 of the Xbox One S had me tremendously excited – not because I had a 4K TV with HDR, but because it was now an absolute certainty that the prices on the original Xbox One would plummet as a result.  And sure enough, for less than what the 500 GB Xbox One cost when it launched, I managed to snag a bundle including a 2 TB Xbox One and a metric shit-ton of games.  One of the games I was most excited to play was Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition.  I had been turned off in the past by some of the original, PS1 era games in the Tomb Raider franchise, and had consequently held off on playing through the reboot of the series, despite critical acclaim.  But fuck, am I glad that I finally did.

Part of my hesitancy was due to my prior experiences with protagonist Lara Croft.  Now I will fully admit that writing a strong female lead isn’t simple, and that what makes a strong female character may vary from person to person.  But in the early days of Tomb Raider, the prevailing school of thought seemed to be that a strong female character appeared to be “engages in physically taxing adventures while maintaining over-the-top levels of sexuality at all times.”  I’m well aware of the constraints of game hardware at the time, as well as the need to appeal to the primary gaming demographic of that era – after all, I was that target demographic – but for me personally, it was just too much suspension of disbelief that was being asked for.  A highly educated and trained woman who chooses to brave the unknown in hot pants and a painted on tank top?  It didn’t make any sense.  Coupling this character dissonance with controls that were clunky at best just led me to stay away from the series after my first couple of forays, even after developer Crystal Dynamics took the reigns and began to rehabilitate the franchise.

But this Lara Croft, in Tomb Raider: Definitive Addition?  This is one of the most believable, realistic, and strongest female characters not only in gaming, but in modern media.  Is she still beautiful?  Undoubtedly – in my opinion even more so – but it is her inner strength of character in the face of soul-crushing adversity that truly takes center stage in this game.

Lara 1
Every one of her trials leaves its physical mark, but it’s the scars on her soul that truly last.

Lara Croft is not a globe trotting adventurer here.  She is a young, brilliant archaeologist looking to translate her readings and research into a real discovery.  She isn’t out looking for a fight – circumstances force her to survive against the odds and in the face of horrific danger.  And Lara, both physically and emotionally, reacts exactly as one might expect someone of little experience, but much inner strength, would.  Her frantic and narrow escapes leave her soaked, shivering, and covered in grime.  When she is forced to kill, which she has never done, she reacts with revulsion, and the blood spatter remains as a grim reminder of the innocence lost to the cruel demands of survival.  To go into too much detail would be to spoil moments that you should go and experience for yourself – but suffice to say, THIS Lara Croft is easily one of my favorite characters in all my years of gaming, and even in all of fictional media.

The gameplay itself is fantastic as well – both exploration and combat controls are tight and responsive, and I find that the shooting mechanics are a step above that of the Uncharted series, which itself is a spiritual successor to those early Tomb Raider games.  There are secrets to be found all over each area map, from collectible treasures to hunting challenges to optional secret tombs to explore.  One complaint I have is that in early areas of the game, you can feel somewhat hamstrung and frustrated in combat due to only having access to a single crude bow and a limited arrow supply.  It can be annoying trying to run and dodge from a pack of wolves, circling you out of sight in the woods and then springing at you from all directions, all while trying to line up a bow shot to whittle their numbers down.  However, it never really feels unfair – the wolves behave exactly as you would expect pack predators to take on a single target, and Lara’s struggles mirror those of a young woman thrust into fending for herself in the wild unexpectedly.

All in all, this game is amazing – an absolute top-notch action-adventure that solidly places Tomb Raider back on its throne and Lara Croft standing triumphant as one of the best examples of female characterization in the medium.  Go and play this game.  Unless you hate yourself.  And even then, go play it.  Or maybe you hate strong female characters, in which case, fuck you, Trump voter – get the hell out of here.

Now, as promised, my impressions on Brandon Sanderson’s The Way of Kings, Book One of The Stormlight Archives.  For those of you too goddamn lazy to read this whole thing, I’ll do you a solid – if you have read and enjoyed Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time, go pick up this series now.  Sanderson seems to be a master at hitting all of the sweet spots of the epic fantasy genre – fully realized, developed, and fleshed-out world, with rich social, political, economic, and racial histories; a balanced and internally logical system of magic; and sweeping battles with far-reaching geopolitical consequences.

Way of Kings
Have any idea what these guys are doing?  Well the book thinks you do.

That’s not to say that this book starts out necessarily easy to like, or even to understand.  Sanderson adopts the tactic of beginning his story in media res – which while functional when a story takes place in our world, or a close facsimile, can become incredibly confusing when the book just starts throwing around terms and names and concepts with little-to-no explanation, as if you should already be familiar with them.  There are the occasional one or two sentences of explanation each time a new person or mechanic of the world is addressed, and if you are patient you can piece these together and build an understanding of the world and what makes it function.  To add somewhat to the confusion level, Sanderson also likes to jump back and forth in time between chapters, by years, centuries, or millennia, with no immediate connection between the time periods.  The links do begin to make themselves clear over the course of the book – but at 1250 pages, it will be some time before it all begins to make sense.  However, all of these issues aside, it is a tremendous achievement in world-building and if you can be patient through the early information dump, the characters and tales woven will leave you eager to move on to the second book in the series.  Highly recommended for fans of the epic fantasy genre – but if you are a newcomer to these series, you may want to start with something a little less daunting.

Finally…do you know how to recognize who your best friend is?  I mean, in my case it’s somewhat easier as there are so very few candidates (I’m not what you would call “likable”) but how do you know which one is at the top of the class of people that give a flying fuck about you?  Well, you’re in luck!  I’m going to tell you.  You’re best friend is the one that you tell how you are going to start a blog as a way to deal with all of the shit that’s happened to you, and they simultaneously do two things.  1. They unconditionally support you, become the first person to start reading your blog, and help you with ideas for it.  2. They go out and buy a mug for you for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of mocking you for starting a blog.

Blog Mug
Not Pictured: The enclosed “Thank You” card which had “Thank” crossed out and replaced with “This is a card for” and ending with (shrug).

Now, when you’re as evil and blackhearted as me, there is an extra component to friendship that holds some people up all the more – your best friend is the one that will sit with you and rip apart all of the people you can’t stand together.  You’re the best, Amber.  And the new whiskey holder isn’t the only reason why!

Until next time, humans, remember – if you are just dead-set on voting for an omnicidal megalomaniac who is only trying to amass power to pursue his own private interests at the expense of anyone else, then don’t vote for Trump.  Just fucking vote for me.  Because at the very least I’m being up-front when I tell you that I have no business being president, and will gladly utilize the victory for my own sole benefit.  What’ve you got to lose? – EWE

Console Wars, Becoming Characters, and Poor Life Choices

Greetings once again, carbon-or-otherwise-based lifeforms!  I’ve been away a few days, after my last near-meltdown caused by a spiteful 18-year-old white supremacist.  It was touch-and-go for a bit there, as while I fully acknowledge being evil (look at the title of the blog, people), even evil has standards.  But as I struggled with whether I should curse her line for six or eight generations, it dawned on me – for as horrid, spiteful, bitter, useless, and pathetic as Bunny Hopper is, at least, AT LEAST, she isn’t…Paul Zindle.  So she hasn’t completely hit rock bottom yet.  Maybe she has a chance yet.  Probably not.  But that’s her problem.

Pictured: Not Paul Zindle, but as close as the human mind can comprehend.

On to more positive, or at least less fucking horrific, topics, shall we?  We shall.  Because this is my goddamn blog and I say so.  Ah, that feels better.  So, while I mentioned last time that I had begun to read The Way of Kings by Brandon Sanderson, my impressions on that particular work will have to wait for the moment.  There are two reasons for this.  First, the book is 1250 pages long, and its immediate sequel is 1300 pages long.  If you aren’t an avid reader and those page counts are hard to put into perspective, those books are considered “holy fucking shitballs” long.  Second, I got distracted by a recommendation that has grabbed my attention away from Kings.  On the suggestion of Brian Altano of IGN, I picked up Console Wars by Blake J. Harris.  If you are a gamer, if you want to know more about an absolutely pivotal time in the gaming industry from the perspective of the men and women behind the scenes of the major players, if the history of our form of entertainment interests you, stop what you’re doing right now (well, not right now, finish reading this first) and read this book.

The book covers the battle between Sega and Nintendo in the late 1980s and primarily the 1990s with their respective Genesis and SNES consoles.  Harris deftly weaves flashback sequences into the timeline to show how older events and the collapse of the American game industry, as well as its resurgence and domination by Nintendo in the mid 1980s, set the stage for the showdown with Sega that changed everything in the gaming world forever, and shaped where we are today as an industry.  Harris’s style is a good blend of historical documentation and narrative storytelling, and is easy to follow and hard to put down.  Put quite simply, if you are a serious gamer, you should read this book.

Next up, just a quick musing that was inspired by something I heard on IGN’s Podcast Unlocked this week (great podcast for Xbox game fans, FYI).  The hosts were discussing the upcoming film adaptation of Tomb Raider and the casting of the lead character, the iconic Lara Croft.  One of the hosts seemed particularly focused on making sure that the role go to someone with an appropriate “body frame” to fit someone with Lara’s “physical presence.”  Now in fairness, I don’t believe that this person was attempting to diminish any potential actresses or was focusing on Lara Croft’s well-known…attributes.  But I find that I wholly disagree with his belief that a particular “body type” is required, in men or women, to accurately portray a character.  Yes, Lara Croft in the Tomb Raider games scales cliffs and trees and explores caves and tombs.  But she also has firearms and weaponry and assorted other tools – so you don’t need Xena: Warrior Princess to convey to the viewer that she is athletic and physical.  I have personally seen plenty of smaller women engage in rock climbing or martial arts to great success without having a “large frame” and if any of them had a pickaxe or handgun I would not fucking mess with them.

To me, portraying a character is more about becoming that character – embracing the personality and demeanor that makes the character unique and memorable.  If I put on a tan trenchcoat, do I look like John Constantine?  No, I look like a loser in a trenchcoat.  But can I pull of a decent Constantine cosplay?  Yeah, I can – because I understand what makes that character tick, and I relate to and can emulate it.  Sarcastic, wounded, flippant – these are all things that people can do regardless of body type, and they are the essence of a character.  So it doesn’t matter that I’m not bleach blonde, or have a British accent, or practice black magi- actually, forget that last one, and don’t ask about it.  The point is, it isn’t about how someone looks that defines their suitability for a character role – it’s how well they can get into what makes the character who they are.

Finally, it’s time for another brief segment of common-goddamn-sense.  As you know, if you’ve given enough of a shit about this blog to click on the tab with my bio, I practice law.  Specifically, I’m a public defender.  You know, the guy the court appoints to represent you when you go on a bender, drive your car through someone’s living room, and spend all your money on bail so you can’t afford to hire a “real attorney.”  (Editor’s Note: If you say something about the “real attorney” thing around public defenders, who are, in fact, real attorneys, know that behind the polite smile and words of understanding they are contemplating that if anyone on earth was capable of making you disappear, it’s probably them.)

Now, normally when I meet with someone, I anticipate some level of confusion regarding the legal process.  This is completely understandable, as the legal system is extremely complicated and difficult to navigate if you aren’t trained to do so – hence why people like me have to hock most of our possessions and attend school for years in order to do it for a living.  So this doesn’t bother me.  But what DOES bother me is when someone decides to tell me everything I need to do because they “heard from the guys that’ve been in the jail a lot how this goes down.”  First of all, numb nuts, if they’ve “been in the jail a lot” wouldn’t that seem to indicate that they aren’t very fucking good at this?  And secondly, what precisely makes you think that this total stranger and convicted criminal has your best interests in mind and is just trying to help you out of the kindness of his heart?

Does this scream “good life choices?”

So maybe, just for the hell of it, you should think about listening more to the guy who literally does nothing but represent people for a living over the guy shackled to the bench next to you who hasn’t showered in two years.  Just food for thought.

And as always kids, a quick word to Donald Trump and his ignorant masses.  There is a distinction between “opinion” and “fact.”  Too many people assert that they have “the right to their opinion” when spouting what is actually just an incorrect fact.  For example: “I don’t like math” is an opinion, and likely one that most Trump supporters can relate to.  I don’t agree with it, but you’re entitled to it.  “2+2=4” is a fact – it is not open to opinion.  “Well, I’m of the belief that it is 5” is not a fucking opinion that you’re entitled to; it’s just an incorrect fact.  You can have an opinion ABOUT a fact – i.e., you can dislike that 2+2=4 for some fucking reason, but it doesn’t change the underlying fact one goddamn bit.  So to apply it to Trump, “I don’t like minorities” is an opinion – a loathsome, vile, disgusting, backward opinion,  but one that in this country you are entitled to have.  However, “illegal immigration is at an all-time high” is an incorrect fact – it’s just wrong.  Your opinion of it is irrelevant – the statistical fact is that it’s at its lowest point in ten years.  So next time you are about to say something is “your opinion and you’re entitled to it” stop and think about whether or not you’re right or if you’re about to make an even bigger jackass out of yourself.  – EWE