Greets, kiddos! Yeah, I know – it isn’t Friday. But in fairness, I started to plan this on Friday – it just took me a few extra days to work the kinks out and get some other matters attended to. So, I’m still counting it as #FrozenFoodFridays, and to hell with anyone that wants to argue the point! Now, I’ve noticed that two particular types of treats seem to appeal to most of you moreso than the rest – sweets, and alcohol. I knew there was something I liked about all of you! I’m kind of glad I haven’t set you all on fire…yet. Anyway – I decided to once again combine these two favorites of yours, mine, and anyone who has any taste whatsoever, in a way that I hadn’t tried before. This resulted in something very special – I give to you EWE’s Boozy Buckeyes!
2 cups creamy peanut butter (maybe more depending on how mixing goes)
1 cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon salt
5 cups powdered sugar
1/4 cup peanut butter vodka
1/4 cup chocolate liquor
3 cups dark chocolate chips
1/8 teaspoon coconut oil
In a large mixing bowl, combine the peanut butter, butter, vanilla, and salt until it is well mixed. Slowly add the powdered sugar, continuing to mix as you go. When it is all well mixed, add the booze. Continue mixing until thoroughly combined. If the mixture is too thin to scoop into balls, add additional peanut butter to thicken. Once combined, scoop into 1″ balls onto a baking sheet lined with parchment or wax paper. Freeze for 30-40 minutes.
While the peanut butter balls are freezing, combine your dark chocolate chips and coconut oil in a microwave safe bowl and melt in 30-second bursts, stirring between each burst. Once the peanut butter balls are set, insert a toothpick into the center of each ball and use to dip the ball into the chocolate bowl – but make sure to leave the top of each ball exposed so it looks like a buckeye, otherwise you’ve missed the entire point! Return the chocolate covered balls (HA!) to the baking sheet and return to the freezer until the chocolate has set. Remove the toothpick and keep these refrigerated until ready to serve. Or, if you’re me, remove the toothpick, reflect on the pathetic state of your life, and eat the entire fucking tray while drinking the rest of the peanut butter and chocolate liquor combined in a glass and mixed with your tears. Either way, enjoy! – EWE
Hello, creatures! Once again, another week has drawn to a close, and once again, I am very fucking glad it has. Never moreso than now, as I am embarking on something of a new challenge in my life. You see, kiddos, ol’ EWE here dislikes being hurt. I mean, not all the time…sometimes a little pain is kind of fun (Editor’s Note: Getting WAY off topic here!) alright, alright – ahem, anyway, my reaction to rejection or emotional damage from someone in the past has generally been to not so much burn bridges as INCINERATE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING IN A TEN MILE RADIUS. As such…there is usually no real recovery. But this time…something is different. I have decided…to wait for someone. Not because I have to. Not because they’ve asked me to. Not because by doing so I am guaranteed a place in that person’s life at some point. Simply because I have felt what it is like to be loved by that person…and it is worth waiting for. And so I shall. It doesn’t necessarily mean I will enjoy it, or it won’t hurt to see her with others as she determines what she wants from life…but I will endure it, and I will be there for her should she stumble or fall. I’m not entirely sure why – my rule of thumb would be to convert any remaining care for someone into seething hatred and move on – but I’ve neither the desire nor the ability to do so in this case. I can’t explain it fully – I just know that this is worth waiting for, and so I will wait.
So, in the spirit of trying to numb the pain and distract myself from the emptiness…I’ve got the perfect thing in mind for #FrozenFoodFridays! What is the frozen component this week, you ask? Well, if you read the title, then you know – grab yourself a glass and some ice cubes, because we’re hitting the booze once again! Time for a simple, classy and classic painkiller that was first introduced to me by, ironically enough, the red-headed demoness that has introduced more pain into my life than just about anyone else! Time for some of EWE’s Gin and Ginger Ale!
It’s just as simple as it sounds. First, you’ll need a glass and some ice cubes. Next fill about 1/3 of the glass with gin – my two personal favorites are either Beefeater or Bombay Sapphire. Then fill the other 2/3 of the glass with some Seagrams ginger ale or Vernor’s ginger soda. Garnish with a lime slice and enjoy. Then repeat several times. Though one word of caution – don’t overdo it with this or any other gin-based drink, because once you’ve thrown up juniper berries, you will know the true meaning of suffering. And on that pleasant note, another #FrozenFoodFridays draws to a close.
And to the one I wait for, who is most likely not reading this – if you wonder how long I’m willing to wait for you, the answer is not forever. I’ll wait forever and a day. – EWE
Greets – ouch! – humans. As I’m sure you can tell, it isn’t Friday. But it isn’t that I forgot about #FrozenFoodFridays – believe me, I’d much, MUCH rather have been communing with all of you than having the day I had.
You see, last Tuesday I awoke to find that something was wrong with my right shoulder. Specifically, I couldn’t use my right arm without a stabbing pain in my right shoulderblade. This concerned me, as I am familiar with back injuries – I have a partially herniated disk in my lower lumbar from many years ago that would still flair up on me from time to time. So I decided to take no chances and be very careful with my right arm and shoulder until the pain subsided or I could get in to see a doctor (shout out to my favorite prosecutor for being kind enough to rub the knot out of my shoulder when I couldn’t reach it). Sadly, on Friday, I made the mistake of reaching across my body to lift something off of the floor with my left hand, and as I lifted, I heard/felt a dull pop in my lower back followed by excruciating pain.
As it turns out, the disk in my lower back had herniated again, directly into my sciatic nerve, and the muscles surrounding it were all spasming out of control and wouldn’t allow it to pull back in. This made the rest of my day in court rather…unpleasant. By the time I was done, I didn’t even know if I would be able to drive home, so it became clear that a trip to Statcare was in order. Unfortunately, that would consume several more hours of my evening. Once the doctor there confirmed what I already knew had happened, he prescribed anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, and painkiller to try and see if the disk would slide back into place once the muscles relaxed. If it doesn’t, then my doctor will have to order an MRI to see what else can be done. Once I came home and took the medication, it essentially rendered me unconscious for the rest of the night and most of Saturday as well. Hence, #FrozenFoodFridays came and went without an update. But never fear – my injury and the excruciating pain have given me the perfect thing to remind you to take out of your freezer!
Ah, yes – vodka. Grey Goose is my preferred label, but there are a lot of good choices out there for you. Of course, you can keep vodka at room temperature, but I prefer to keep it chilled in the freezer as most of my favorite ways to enjoy it involve ice or cold mixers anyway, such as vodka cranberry juice, or grape vodka soda. So since this is kept in the freezer, I’m counting it as meeting the completely arbitrary, self-created criteria of #FrozenFoodFridays. Enjoy!
Now, as bad as the back injury was a buzzkill on Friday, it wasn’t the only even that day that seemed aimed directly at pissing me off. I mean, it’s bad enough that there are far more senseless idiots voting in America than even I had accounted for, but during his inauguration speech, Orange Boy decided to plagiarize a character from one of the greatest comic book movies of all time?!
Yes, our new president decided to rip off Bane in this speech. I guess he figured since Bane is a fictional character, plagiarizing him was acceptable. So, yeah, all in all it was a tremendously shitty Friday. He also had his press secretary scream into a camera two days later that the media was just trying to fool us with their “facts” and “evidence” that this inauguration was far smaller than that of President Obama, blatantly lying and making false statements WHICH TRUMP’S ADVISER LATER CALLED “ALTERNATIVE FACTS.” Children, listen carefully, there are no such things as “alternative facts.” When something is not a “fact” that makes it a “falsehood” or more commonly known as “lies” or “complete bullshit.” – EWE
I’m going to level with you, kids – it has not been a good week. I am not in a good mood. I thought I was going to witness a historical event for you humans earlier this week: you were going to follow the first African-American president in the history of America with the first female president in the history of America. And I could genuinely respect her, too – evil, but not TOO evil. Just skilled and experienced politician level evil. But then the goddamned ignorant masses did what they always do and fucked it all up. Instead of doing the intelligent thing, and electing a leader that they may not have liked, but who was good at, you know, fucking leading – they went with the goddamn motherfucking psychotic sex offender. And so now…now I’m stuck with four fucking years of this.
You know, over the centuries I’ve tried to separate the wheat from the chaff for you people. I’ve plagued some stupid fuckers, I’ve burned your cities to thin out the herd, I’ve even sunk an advanced civilization or two to the bottom of the sea so that the rest of you wouldn’t feel too inferior. But every once in a while, I have to stand back and see what you’ve learned, what you can do on your own. AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING REWARD ME?!
You know what, that’s it. There comes a time when things have gotten so abso-fucking-lutely awful that literally ANY solution is acceptable, no matter how destructive or collaterally damaging it may be. That’s right – the Godzilla Threshold. When things have gotten so bad that releasing an all-powerful incarnation of destruction is actually THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME. And you insignificant fleshbags didn’t just cross the threshold, you threw yourself over it like a drunk frat boy belly-flopping into the pool. And like that drunk frat boy, I hope those of you who thought voting for this orange muppet was a good idea will enjoy drowning when the goddamn polar ice caps melt. Because me and the big G will sure enjoy watching it.
And that mind-bendingly stupid outcome to the US election, coupled with dealing with a few other, more personal failings, leads us into this week’s #FrozenFoodFridays. Now, you may ask, what kind of icy treat might EWE use to lift his spirits in these troubled times? Some more ice cream? Perhaps another dessert?
Fuck no. We are WELL past the point of that.
What’s that? Jaegermeister isn’t a “frozen food?” Well, there are only two ways to store this particular liquor – 1. in the freezer, and 2. improperly. So shut the fuck up. It gets stored in the freezer, ergo, it counts for #FrozenFoodFridays.
Needless to say, there isn’t much prepping involved here, but there are any number of ways in which to enjoy this delicious herbal spirit. Of course, you can just drink it by the shot, or on election night, chug it straight from the bottle. But if you aren’t trying to put yourself into a coma for the next four years, there are also some tasty beverages that you can prepare for your next pointless human social gathering. There is the classic Dr. Jaeger, which as one might expect is a mixture of Jaeger and Dr. Pepper soda. And of course, mixing liquor, almost any liquor, with Coke usually turns out alright. A relatively new one is to mix Jaeger with Mt. Dew Pitch Black – a bit more citrus than the other soda-based drinks.
There is the ever-popular Jaeger Bomb, combining Jaeger and Red Bull. My preference is for the Ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb – Jaeger, black cherry energy drink, and grenadine. And for those of you that feel like getting VERY creative, mix yourself some Black Blood. Pour 2 oz of Blue Curacao liquor, 1 oz of Jaeger, and 1 oz of Squirt citrus soda into a shaker with ice, shake well and serve.
And with that, #FrozenFoodFridays comes to an end once again. But before I go, I want to speak directly to all of the celebrating Trump supporters out there. I keep hearing how you’re tired of being called bigots and racists just because you voted for a racist bigot. Let me give you a bit of perspective: thanks to your votes, there are MILLIONS of Americans who are afraid for their lives. They are afraid they are going to have their families ripped apart, afraid to worship their religion freely, afraid to be darker complected than your average Western European, afraid that their marriages that they just finally won the right to have are going to be taken away. So let me be as clear as I possibly can – I care a metric fuck-ton more about THEIR feelings than I do about how YOU’RE feeling right now. You don’t want to be called racist? Here’s a thought – don’t choose a racist to represent what you believe. It’s not fucking rocket science. And I know, I know…there were a lot of different considerations that went into your vote, right? Well, you forgot one detail about this nation – IT’S MINE. All of the talk about how the progressives are soft and weak and politically correct – THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO ME. I had this continent of misfits finally heading in something vaguely resembling the right direction – and now you’ve derailed the whole goddamn thing. So here is what your friendly neighborhood EWE has to tell you – I am now going to have to spend four years putting out this raging dumpster fire that you started, and then start guiding us back just to where we ALREADY FUCKING WERE before we can make any more ACTUAL PROGRESS. I am suggesting that you stay out of the way. But if you decide not to, well…it’s not like I need much incentive for disproportionate retribution, do I? – EWE