Defending the Public

I have returned, mortals!  Quake and cower – or at least groan and shake your head, that works, too.  Yes, it has been a while – I have found that my days and nights are becoming more and more often spoken for, even if I’d much rather be sitting here ranting to all of you out there.  And so I fully intend to make more time to do just that – whilst telling the less enjoyable drains on my time exactly which circle of hell they may now go and occupy.  And speaking of eternal torment – it’s been a while since I’ve given any tidbits of legal wisdom to all of you out there, hasn’t it?  Well, never fear – prepare to be educated and amazed!  Today’s secret lesson in navigating the complicated vagaries of the criminal justice system is…

The United States Constitution does not anywhere in it address your rights to poop when needed.

Cute, vaguely disturbing, and totally not protected under the Constitution.

Let me explain.  You see, I recently dealt with a case in which a person became too intoxicated (which just ALWAYS leads to great decision making).  Upon becoming too intoxicated, this individual attempted to argue with their significant other.  I say “attempted” because their level of intoxication was so great that, in fact, they were not particularly coherent, which makes any kind of communication somewhat difficult.  Nonetheless, this person was able to string together enough words to make threats against their partner, which resulted in a visit from the police.  Upon determining that this person was the aggressor in the situation, the police informed them that they were being arrested.  And that is when the wheels REALLY come off.



Kids, let me make this perfectly clear – once you’ve been told you are under arrest, DO NOT RESIST ARREST.  Even if you think it’s wrong and bullshit and the cops are way out of line, that is all shit that you need to sort out in court AT A LATER DATE.  Because in that moment, if you suddenly decide that no, goddammit, you are NOT under arrest, what do you think is going to happen?  The police will say “fuck, this isn’t worth it…let’s just go?”  No, you’re going to be placed under arrest one way or another.  Now, if you are relatively sane about the whole thing, generally the police will be respectful of you to a certain point.  So if you’ve given them no problems and then you suddenly state that you need to use the bathroom, NOW, RIGHT NOW, and can’t wait until you arrive at the jail…well, they may be willing to accommodate you.  However…if you’ve been an asshole, well, they are going to tell you to hold it.  Like our friend from the paragraph above.  Who was told to wait until they got to the jail, and promptly dropped their pants and crapped all over their own living room floor.  Now, one might think that this story was already at it’s lowest point…but one would be wrong.  Because when the police said ok now it is time to go, this person decided to invoke the rarely used and little known “right to wipe” and insisted that the officers had to go get them some paper towels to clean themselves with, per the Constitution.

Spoiler: Does not contain a “right to wipe.”

Now, perhaps I was sick or just in a drunken stupor that particular day of Constitutional Law class…but I do not recall the “right to wipe” ever being included in any of my extensive legal training.  Nonetheless, in an effort to distract myself from wanting to strangle the moronic motherfucker who did this, I did some research and came to the following conclusion:

Drunk people are really fucking stupid and most Americans don’t know a goddamn thing about the Constitution other than that it starts with “We the People.”

Oh, and if you’re curious about the ultimate fate of our stinky friend…the matter is currently set for a jury trial.  That’s right, I get to spend a day taking testimony, under oath, about literal shit.  Do any of you still wonder why I am the way that I am?

Angry Ed

And that’s all for today, kiddos.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to pondering how I am alone when someone who literally shits themselves can have at least one, if not multiple, significant others.  But at least I have all of you!

Next up: Buffy night with Malevolent Moogle tomorrow, and some Nintendo Switch thoughts are in the works.  See you soon! – EWE


#FrozenFoodFridays – Somewhat Less Crippled Edition

Salutations once again, my merry minions!  I’m once again here to entertain and inspire you – and this time, I’m not on the verge of literally falling to pieces!  Yes, it seems that my spine has thought it over and decided it isn’t yet time for it to completely destroy itself, and so I find myself able to, well, move without being in the mind-searing levels of pain that I was a week ago.  Not that it is completely fixed, mind you – but the difference is substantial and certainly tolerable to live with at this point.

And to celebrate my newfound good health…let’s completely fuck it all to hell with some tasty #FrozenFoodFridays fried food!

Yes, I realize only one of these is frozen – your mistake is in thinking I give a fuck.

See, if you’re anything like me (Editor’s Note: SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP!) – cute, very cute – ahem, you’ll probably have fond memories of the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket.  But hey – why get it from Dairy Queen?  You have to do so many aggravating things to do that – put on pants, leave your lair, interact with humans while managing not to kill them – it’s a complete hassle.  So instead, why not make your own!  Minus the fries – DQ’s fries really kind of suck.

Don’t forget the Texas Toast!

No real trick to preparing this – just follow the instructions on the packaging for each item!  One tip though – when something offers either conventional oven or microwave preparation, the better bet is almost ALWAYS the conventional oven.  Microwave may be quicker, but in my experience the wait for the oven is well worth it.  Have some patience, you damn instant-gratification kids!

And now, kiddos, it’s been a little while, but as you may remember, my occupation allows me a passing knowledge of the law.  In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to practice law, when I’m not busy convincing myself not to destroy your entire miserable species.  And so I feel somewhat compelled to clear up some misconceptions that are currently in the public sphere.  Our current president (Editor’s Note: Fun fact – every time EWE is forced to describe Trump as president, an angel has its wings violently ripped from its back and force-fed to it until it chokes to death) and his pitiful band of cronies seem to be of the opinion that they may limit the freedom of speech of government employees, up to and including FIRING THEM for speaking out against the administration.  This is wrong.

This is also wrong…on every possible level.

Now, I know that President Tiny Hands Bitch knows what the Constitution is, as well as the Amendments – after all, he LOVES talking about the 2nd Amendment.  But apparently his knowledge is…selective, because as any goddamn preschooler can tell you, in order to get to “2” you must first get to “1” – in this case, the 1st Amendment.  That one guarantees freedom of speech to American citizens without interference by the federal government.  Now, most certainly, as an EMPLOYER, the government can instruct EMPLOYEES in what they may and may not say ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT.  So for example, the switchboard operators at the White House can be instructed that they should refrain from telling callers that it is the official position of the White House that the president is an insufferable, mentally ill shithead who belongs locked in a padded room rather than in office – but they CANNOT restrict or fire said switchboard operators from making such statements in their individual, private citizen capacity.  Making such statements without reprisal from the government IS THE EXACT THING THAT THE ENTIRE AMENDMENT WAS PREDICATED ON.  So, for any that might tell you “well, they can force them to say what they want because they work for the government” now you can calmly and confidently tell that person to go fuck him or her self because they have no goddamn idea what they are talking about.  You’re welcome! – EWE

Kneeling Down for What You Believe In, #FrozenFoodFridays

Greets once again, little ones!  This won’t be an incredibly long post, but I need to do two things.  First, I need to get something off of my chest (because I’m usually SO fucking unwilling to give my opinion, right?)  and second, I will be keeping a promise.  Buckle up for the roller coaster, kids.

So it seems that a few people in the land of the free have gotten thoroughly twisted out of shape by the actions, or rather, inaction, of one man.  Colin Kaepernick, QB for the San Francisco 49ers, African-American professional athlete, has decided to show his concern with race relations and interactions between police and black Americans by…taking a knee during the national anthem.  And judging by the reactions of a vocal minority, the entirety of the goddamn world ended.  Cats sleeping with dogs, blood in the streets, anarchy and the death of the American dream everywhere.  Because a guy knelt in silence during a song before a football game.

Kneel before Zod!

I’m tired and this entire controversy irritates me, so I’m just going to cover the important points here, people.  There is no law that states you must stand with your hand over your heart during the national anthem.  Hell, prior to WWII, the tradition wasn’t even to put your hand over your heart.  Instead, children were taught to salute the flag with their arm straight out, angled slightly upward, palm down, fingers straight.  Yup, that’s right – the Nazi salute wasn’t started by the Nazis.  Once they picked it up, we decided “oh, fuck, that’s not who we want to be associated with” seeing as how they killed millions of people, so we switched to the hand over heart bit.  But anyway, again, not a law, not a rule, a tradition.  See, it can’t be a law because the choice to stand or not stand in protest is a form of free speech protected under the 1st Amendment.  The government requiring you to stand for the anthem would be a constitutional violation.

Now, could the NFL, as a private business, institute a rule saying that its players are required to stand?  Sure, they could.  But it isn’t a rule.  So Kaepernick isn’t breaking a rule, and the league can’t punish him.  Could they add a rule like that?  Yeah, but they won’t.  Why not, you may ask?  Because the NFL didn’t become the monolithic success that it is by being fucking stupid.  What business wants to be the one to say to a minority employee “you must give up your constitutional rights to work here?”  Are you insane?  Do you understand the PR nightmare, not to mention the potential civil rights lawsuit, that would generate?  They may, MAY, have a chance of prevailing in the inevitable lawsuit that would result from that rule – if they can show that they are applying the rule absolutely, positively uniformly across the board.  But if Kaepernick can show one instance of one player exercising speech in contravention to the League’s rule and not being punished for it, they would be fucked.  And either way, they get to be the League that doesn’t honor American freedoms.  Yeah, that’s a great fucking reputation.  So what possible reason do they have to do it?

Some have tried to tell me “well we will boycott the NFL until they punish him and make him stand!”  Fuck you.  Go ahead.  Boycott.  All of you.  Let’s say 100,00 people give up any and all NFL football (won’t happen, but let’s pretend) – the NFL won’t even fucking notice.  There are waiting lists for tickets.  Those seats will be filled.  That merch will be sold.  Those $10 beers will be drunk.  So by all means, exercise your right to free speech by boycotting the NFL.  Ironically, you’re exercising the same right that you feel Kaepernick shouldn’t be allowed to exercise.  And even more ironically, odds are that neither side will actually effect any real change through this.  But by all means, you petty assholes, don’t come to the stadium.  That’s fewer imbeciles I have to tolerate.  But DO NOT attempt to tell me that you have the right to tell Kaepernick that he can’t exercise his rights.  You have no goddamn idea what you are talking about.

Now, on to something happier – depending on your tastes (ha!).  You see, I mentioned last time that my best friend, Amber, gifted me with an adorable new whiskey holder in an attempt to mock my blogging efforts.  It’s actually holding my whisky now.  Well, was.  It needs a refill.  Anyway, I was so touched that I told her I would add a segment to the blog at her request.  She requested #FrozenFoodFridays (let’s get that trending, people) in which I am to review frozen foods.  She likely thought I would not do this.  She was wrong.

Frozen Food Fridays (TM)

Welcome to the inaugural edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  I’m your host, star, reviewer, and living god, Evil Wizard, Esq.!  Tonight – Stouffer’s French Bread pizza!

I’ve loved this shit since I was old enough to operate the oven without burning myself, which has to be at least a couple years now.  Seriously, they’re relatively cheap, well portioned (though in my wild youth I’d just eat both of them in the box at once, fat ass that I was) and surprisingly tasty.  There are, however, a few downsides.  First of all, they take a while to make – roughly 30 minutes in the oven and that’s after it’s preheated.  Depending on your oven this could be minutes or so long you’ve already eaten three ice cream sandwiches and aren’t fucking hungry anymore.  Also, your window of opportunity for optimal enjoyment is approximately 3.2 seconds long, as this is the only time that the pizza has cooled enough that it won’t instantly incinerate the entire roof of your mouth with its molten lava sauce and yet not gotten cold and congealed.  The timing of this window varies with environmental factors and is difficult to predict.  My preferred method – fuck it, just the the thing right out of the oven.  Yeah, it’s gonna hurt, but after the initial excruciating burning, your mouth goes into shock and doesn’t feel pain anymore, and you can then enjoy the rest of the delicious pizza before the throbbing pain sets in.

So that’s it for this edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  Next week – broccoli!  Or something else.  I don’t know.

For now, kids, remember – Donald Trump’s biggest idol as a leader is Vladimir Putin.  Putin has a hobby of having critics and opponents assassinated.  Trump sees this as “strong leadership.”  Now I can’t be sure, but there may be a case here that by voting for Donald Trump, you’re an accessory to murder.  – EWE