I have returned, mortals! Quake and cower – or at least groan and shake your head, that works, too. Yes, it has been a while – I have found that my days and nights are becoming more and more often spoken for, even if I’d much rather be sitting here ranting to all of you out there. And so I fully intend to make more time to do just that – whilst telling the less enjoyable drains on my time exactly which circle of hell they may now go and occupy. And speaking of eternal torment – it’s been a while since I’ve given any tidbits of legal wisdom to all of you out there, hasn’t it? Well, never fear – prepare to be educated and amazed! Today’s secret lesson in navigating the complicated vagaries of the criminal justice system is…
The United States Constitution does not anywhere in it address your rights to poop when needed.
Let me explain. You see, I recently dealt with a case in which a person became too intoxicated (which just ALWAYS leads to great decision making). Upon becoming too intoxicated, this individual attempted to argue with their significant other. I say “attempted” because their level of intoxication was so great that, in fact, they were not particularly coherent, which makes any kind of communication somewhat difficult. Nonetheless, this person was able to string together enough words to make threats against their partner, which resulted in a visit from the police. Upon determining that this person was the aggressor in the situation, the police informed them that they were being arrested. And that is when the wheels REALLY come off.
Kids, let me make this perfectly clear – once you’ve been told you are under arrest, DO NOT RESIST ARREST. Even if you think it’s wrong and bullshit and the cops are way out of line, that is all shit that you need to sort out in court AT A LATER DATE. Because in that moment, if you suddenly decide that no, goddammit, you are NOT under arrest, what do you think is going to happen? The police will say “fuck, this isn’t worth it…let’s just go?” No, you’re going to be placed under arrest one way or another. Now, if you are relatively sane about the whole thing, generally the police will be respectful of you to a certain point. So if you’ve given them no problems and then you suddenly state that you need to use the bathroom, NOW, RIGHT NOW, and can’t wait until you arrive at the jail…well, they may be willing to accommodate you. However…if you’ve been an asshole, well, they are going to tell you to hold it. Like our friend from the paragraph above. Who was told to wait until they got to the jail, and promptly dropped their pants and crapped all over their own living room floor. Now, one might think that this story was already at it’s lowest point…but one would be wrong. Because when the police said ok now it is time to go, this person decided to invoke the rarely used and little known “right to wipe” and insisted that the officers had to go get them some paper towels to clean themselves with, per the Constitution.
Now, perhaps I was sick or just in a drunken stupor that particular day of Constitutional Law class…but I do not recall the “right to wipe” ever being included in any of my extensive legal training. Nonetheless, in an effort to distract myself from wanting to strangle the moronic motherfucker who did this, I did some research and came to the following conclusion:
Drunk people are really fucking stupid and most Americans don’t know a goddamn thing about the Constitution other than that it starts with “We the People.”
Oh, and if you’re curious about the ultimate fate of our stinky friend…the matter is currently set for a jury trial. That’s right, I get to spend a day taking testimony, under oath, about literal shit. Do any of you still wonder why I am the way that I am?
And that’s all for today, kiddos. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to pondering how I am alone when someone who literally shits themselves can have at least one, if not multiple, significant others. But at least I have all of you!
Next up: Buffy night with Malevolent Moogle tomorrow, and some Nintendo Switch thoughts are in the works. See you soon! – EWE
