Greets, humans! It has been a bit, hasn’t it? (Editor’s Note: Hello, friends. Apologies for the prolonged absence, as well as for missing the last week’s #FrozenFoodFridays.) Grr…as you can see, in recompense for being a bit derelict in my #FrozenFoodFridays duties, I have elected to allow a bit more freedom to Editor in this entry, per the suggestion of LightningEllen – who for some reason seems to believe that Editor makes positive contributions here. (Editor’s Note: Well, I do seem to be a bit more honest about my emotions than you.) Do…not…push…it.
The past few days have been…exhausting. On one hand, work is going well. I found out that a coworker is leaving the office, which does sadden me somewhat, as she was a human that I didn’t constantly abhor, but also presents an opportunity to work more, which I always enjoy as a distraction from the absolute shit show that is my personal “life.” (Editor’s Note: Now, now, it isn’t all that bad.) Oh? I wake up during the night calling a name who, if she knew it were happening, would quite likely murder me. Horribly. (Editor’s Note: That isn’t…necessarily true.) Really? She wishes I was someone else. That isn’t a metaphor – she LITERALLY wishes I was a different person. (Editor’s Note: Be patient – let her get to know you, and she will likely not wish you were anyone else at all.) ……you do know who you’re talking to, right? (Editor’s Note: Sigh. We both know it isn’t in you to give up anyway, particularly in this instance, correct? So don’t worry so much. Remember one of our favorite songs?)
Sure, fine, whatever. Optimistic asshole.
On the plus side, I managed to indulge in my enjoyment for cooking and baking, even if I did miss out on #FrozenFoodFridays. But never fear – I bring you a culinary delight that is even better than a frozen treat. Behold EWE’s Beastly Beer Bread of Butchery! (Editor’s Note: It’s just beer bread…tasty, but just beer bread.)
Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. In a medium mixing bowl, combine the flour, sugar and beer and mix. Pour mixture into a greased or non-stick loaf pan. Pour the melted butter over the top of the mixture in the loaf pan. Place in the oven and bake for 1 hour. Remove from the oven and let cool at least 15 minutes.
For best results, continue drinking the entire time the bread is baking, and then pull the fresh bread apart and consume immediately after it is finished. But hey, that’s just me. (Editor’s Note: It’s actually good even if you haven’t gotten thoroughly drunk waiting for it to bake…) Yeah, but what’s the fun in that? – EWE
Salutations once again, my merry minions! I’m once again here to entertain and inspire you – and this time, I’m not on the verge of literally falling to pieces! Yes, it seems that my spine has thought it over and decided it isn’t yet time for it to completely destroy itself, and so I find myself able to, well, move without being in the mind-searing levels of pain that I was a week ago. Not that it is completely fixed, mind you – but the difference is substantial and certainly tolerable to live with at this point.
And to celebrate my newfound good health…let’s completely fuck it all to hell with some tasty #FrozenFoodFridays fried food!
Yes, I realize only one of these is frozen – your mistake is in thinking I give a fuck.
See, if you’re anything like me (Editor’s Note: SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP!) – cute, very cute – ahem, you’ll probably have fond memories of the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket. But hey – why get it from Dairy Queen? You have to do so many aggravating things to do that – put on pants, leave your lair, interact with humans while managing not to kill them – it’s a complete hassle. So instead, why not make your own! Minus the fries – DQ’s fries really kind of suck.
Don’t forget the Texas Toast!
No real trick to preparing this – just follow the instructions on the packaging for each item! One tip though – when something offers either conventional oven or microwave preparation, the better bet is almost ALWAYS the conventional oven. Microwave may be quicker, but in my experience the wait for the oven is well worth it. Have some patience, you damn instant-gratification kids!
And now, kiddos, it’s been a little while, but as you may remember, my occupation allows me a passing knowledge of the law. In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to practice law, when I’m not busy convincing myself not to destroy your entire miserable species. And so I feel somewhat compelled to clear up some misconceptions that are currently in the public sphere. Our current president (Editor’s Note: Fun fact – every time EWE is forced to describe Trump as president, an angel has its wings violently ripped from its back and force-fed to it until it chokes to death) and his pitiful band of cronies seem to be of the opinion that they may limit the freedom of speech of government employees, up to and including FIRING THEM for speaking out against the administration. This is wrong.
This is also wrong…on every possible level.
Now, I know that President Tiny Hands Bitch knows what the Constitution is, as well as the Amendments – after all, he LOVES talking about the 2nd Amendment. But apparently his knowledge is…selective, because as any goddamn preschooler can tell you, in order to get to “2” you must first get to “1” – in this case, the 1st Amendment. That one guarantees freedom of speech to American citizens without interference by the federal government. Now, most certainly, as an EMPLOYER, the government can instruct EMPLOYEES in what they may and may not say ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT. So for example, the switchboard operators at the White House can be instructed that they should refrain from telling callers that it is the official position of the White House that the president is an insufferable, mentally ill shithead who belongs locked in a padded room rather than in office – but they CANNOT restrict or fire said switchboard operators from making such statements in their individual, private citizen capacity. Making such statements without reprisal from the government IS THE EXACT THING THAT THE ENTIRE AMENDMENT WAS PREDICATED ON. So, for any that might tell you “well, they can force them to say what they want because they work for the government” now you can calmly and confidently tell that person to go fuck him or her self because they have no goddamn idea what they are talking about. You’re welcome! – EWE
Greets – ouch! – humans. As I’m sure you can tell, it isn’t Friday. But it isn’t that I forgot about #FrozenFoodFridays – believe me, I’d much, MUCH rather have been communing with all of you than having the day I had.
You see, last Tuesday I awoke to find that something was wrong with my right shoulder. Specifically, I couldn’t use my right arm without a stabbing pain in my right shoulderblade. This concerned me, as I am familiar with back injuries – I have a partially herniated disk in my lower lumbar from many years ago that would still flair up on me from time to time. So I decided to take no chances and be very careful with my right arm and shoulder until the pain subsided or I could get in to see a doctor (shout out to my favorite prosecutor for being kind enough to rub the knot out of my shoulder when I couldn’t reach it). Sadly, on Friday, I made the mistake of reaching across my body to lift something off of the floor with my left hand, and as I lifted, I heard/felt a dull pop in my lower back followed by excruciating pain.
As it turns out, the disk in my lower back had herniated again, directly into my sciatic nerve, and the muscles surrounding it were all spasming out of control and wouldn’t allow it to pull back in. This made the rest of my day in court rather…unpleasant. By the time I was done, I didn’t even know if I would be able to drive home, so it became clear that a trip to Statcare was in order. Unfortunately, that would consume several more hours of my evening. Once the doctor there confirmed what I already knew had happened, he prescribed anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, and painkiller to try and see if the disk would slide back into place once the muscles relaxed. If it doesn’t, then my doctor will have to order an MRI to see what else can be done. Once I came home and took the medication, it essentially rendered me unconscious for the rest of the night and most of Saturday as well. Hence, #FrozenFoodFridays came and went without an update. But never fear – my injury and the excruciating pain have given me the perfect thing to remind you to take out of your freezer!
It’s true – many people keep this in the freezer.
Ah, yes – vodka. Grey Goose is my preferred label, but there are a lot of good choices out there for you. Of course, you can keep vodka at room temperature, but I prefer to keep it chilled in the freezer as most of my favorite ways to enjoy it involve ice or cold mixers anyway, such as vodka cranberry juice, or grape vodka soda. So since this is kept in the freezer, I’m counting it as meeting the completely arbitrary, self-created criteria of #FrozenFoodFridays. Enjoy!
Now, as bad as the back injury was a buzzkill on Friday, it wasn’t the only even that day that seemed aimed directly at pissing me off. I mean, it’s bad enough that there are far more senseless idiots voting in America than even I had accounted for, but during his inauguration speech, Orange Boy decided to plagiarize a character from one of the greatest comic book movies of all time?!
You have my permission to die now…actually, you’ve had it and will continue to have it.
Yes, our new president decided to rip off Bane in this speech. I guess he figured since Bane is a fictional character, plagiarizing him was acceptable. So, yeah, all in all it was a tremendously shitty Friday. He also had his press secretary scream into a camera two days later that the media was just trying to fool us with their “facts” and “evidence” that this inauguration was far smaller than that of President Obama, blatantly lying and making false statements WHICH TRUMP’S ADVISER LATER CALLED “ALTERNATIVE FACTS.” Children, listen carefully, there are no such things as “alternative facts.” When something is not a “fact” that makes it a “falsehood” or more commonly known as “lies” or “complete bullshit.” – EWE
Happy Martin Luther King Day, humans! Today marks the celebration of one of the greatest men your species has ever produced. King’s dream may not yet be a complete reality, but one of the reasons that I still allow your existence as a whole to continue is that you seem to be stumbling ever closer to achieving it. Though I sometimes wonder at the steps back that you take *glances over at US election results* but I’m still encouraged enough overall to not wipe you out. Yet.
Today, I have a special treat for you, my groveling little minions – not one, but TWO reviews. And the first even comes with a little background story. You see, young ones, even old EWE could occasionally make a mistake or two in my younger days. (Editor’s Note: His last mistake was literally five minutes ago. He got Windex in his eye.) Not listening to you! As I was saying, many years ago, I skipped numerous lunches in order to save up enough money for a copy of Chrono Trigger for the SNES. Now, as anyone with a passing knowledge of RPGs can tell you, Chrono Trigger has gone down as one of the greatest games in the history of gaming, and if you never played it on the SNES, it has been remade for the Nintendo 3DS as well as iOS and Android, and you should drop what you’re doing and go play it. Now. I’ll wait.
But this isn’t about Chrono Trigger. You see, and I know this may come as a shock to you, but I was, and still am, a nerd. Stop laughing right now or I swear I will roast you and serve you to your family member for dinner. (Editor’s Note: He will.) So as I reached the threshold amount of funds, I also managed to achieve straight A’s in school and my mother saw fit to reward me with a rare gift of a video game, as we were quite poor and she could not often afford to do so. And so it was that now I was in the extremely odd position of having money for a SECOND SNES cart of my choosing. So after selecting the ticket for Square’s Chrono Trigger, I glanced through the other games in the aisle until seeing one made by Enix, the creator’s of Dragon Quest and the other dominant console RPG studio in Japan. What could possibly go wrong with that choice?
As it turns out, a lot could go wrong.
Whomever developed Paladin’s Quest at Enix was quite clearly treating it as stand-in for that one girl that you just can’t get out of your head or resolve your feelings for. You know the one – she somehow at the same time inspires both a need to impress her with your talent and flair and also burning, punishing hatred for never appreciating you enough. The game has certain aspects to it that are quite laudable, but it’s maddening aspects drag you down the path to mind-breaking insanity. The sum total is a RPG that is incredibly unique in artistic style and even somewhat groundbreaking in its gameplay for the time, but with a maddening difficulty level and some downright bizarre design decisions that leave you scratching your head and wondering how it and Dragon Quest came from the same place.
You definitely won’t mistake it for a Dragon Quest game.
The first thing that will reach out and grab you about Paladin’s Quest is it’s vibrant, colorful graphical design and world. It’s almost as if Enix intentionally designed a world as polar opposite from its prior Dragon Quest games as it could possibly could be. The architecture, flora, fauna, and character designs are all alien, the color schemes are filled with pastels and clashing hues – it simply can’t be overstated how unusual the visuals were for the time, and still remain to this day. But while this is definitely one of the game’s strengths, it can almost reach nauseating levels at times.
That’s no moon…it’s a battle station!
Dungeon design retains the alien, sci-fi aesthetic, though it is somewhat less original than the other visuals in the game, taking tremendous inspiration from Square’s Final Fantasy IV and VI. That isn’t really a negative – those are two of the greatest games of all time – but it isn’t executed with the same level of expertise that those two titles have gone down in history for having.
A snake and a monkey? This shouldn’t take too long…oh, shit, I’m dead.
Now, then, let’s talk about the gameplay – or rather, let’s talk about how this game is going to make you wail and scream in frustration as it kicks your ass from one end of the planet to the other. This game is hard. HARD. You read my last entry about Dark Souls III? Don’t think for a second that difficult RPGs started with that series, kiddos. Literally ever random encounter in Paladin’s Quest carries the very real possibility of killing your party and ending your game. First of all, for a world in which magic plays an integral part, there is no MP. An NPC in your hometown even lampshades this. Instead, every spell or skill you use is cast from hit points. This in and of itself isn’t so extreme – you just need to keep a close eye on your HP and pragmatically heal often in order to progress, right? Oh, wait – healing can only be done via use of an extremely limited supply of consumables that are very difficult to replenish. And that wide variety of different schools of magic spells? Well, if you want any of them to be worth a shit when it comes to battle (and you do) you’re going to have to SLOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLYYY grind away in order to skill up the spell’s corresponding school of magic. Oh, and other than your PC Chezni and his ever-faithful companion Midia, those other two spots in your party? You’re going to have to fill those with expensive mercenaries, many of which have specific requirements to recruit and can easily be permanently missed, and often come with their own crippling weaknesses as well.
If you thought the wildlife kicked your ass, just what do you think these guys will do?
The story itself is a sci-fi take on a classic fantasy tale. Chezni, living a safe and sound life in his hometown and attending the Academy there, is asked by his friend Duke to sneak into the nearby Forbidden Tower. Because, as the main character in a RPG, Chezni is a complete fucking idiot with absolutely no common sense, he obliges, climbs the tower, and unseals the world-demolishing evil contained within. The rest of this village, rather than admit that perhaps locating an Academy full of curious children DIRECTLY NEXT TO such a place might have been a less than stellar idea in hindsight, instead banish Chezni and instruct him that now it’s his responsibility to travel the world and find a way to stop the hellish beast he has released. Because Chezni has obviously displayed fantastic judgment and intelligence up to that point. Chezni is quickly joined by Midia, who probably just couldn’t bear to see someone so abysmally stupid wandering around on his own. The tale as it unfolds isn’t “bad” by any stretch, but it isn’t anything you haven’t heard before, and it unfolds at a snail’s pace because of the copious amounts of grinding required to overcome the high difficulty curve of the game.
Battles (which you will engage in VERY OFTEN) are of the standard turn-based variety, with each party member choosing to attack with a weapon (which includes using healing items as they must be equipped) or a spell (of which you can choose between the four equipped to a character), defend, or flee from battle. Turn order is essentially impossible to predict once commands are entered, except for the old favorite that the enemy is almost always going to beat the shit out of you before you’re given a chance to respond in kind. Boss battles feature the kind of spike in difficulty compared to the minions leading up to them that you can easily find yourself moving steadily through a dungeon with little in the way of danger only to end up being completely destroyed in a single turn by the boss. It’s not a question of IF this will happen to you; it’s simply WHEN and HOW MANY TIMES it will happen over the games 20-40 hour quest.
One bright spot for me during my time with Paladin’s Quest was the music. While I won’t sit here and compare it to the phenomenal work done by Uematsu in the Final Fantasy series, but the tunes were a pleasant surprise and even though I was forced into spending hours grinding away, the music made that chore a bit less unpleasant than it could have been. But while that surprise was nice, the positives in this game just aren’t enough to overcome the sheer levels of frustration that the drawbacks inspire.
THE VERDICT – EWE SAYS:
Now, after a game leaves you feeling that broken (Editor’s Note: or in EWE’s case, when literally all of life leaves you feeling that way), you need a drink. And something to eat. And probably a good, long cry. As for the first two, I’ve got something a little different for #OmNoMonday – rather than tell you how to make shit on your own, I’m going to tell you where to go when you just say “Fuck it, I want someone else to make it.” And that place is BJ’s Brewhouse.
If they delivered, I’d sell my car.
Now, I’ve been to a few different BJ’s locations on quite a number of occasions, and I can honestly tell you that I have not yet once been disappointed in either my food or drink. The bar is extremely well-stocked, and there is an impressive rotation of craft beers on tap at any given time. But the best part about BJ’s, what sets it apart, is that they also brew several of their own craft beers as well. Whether your taste is for lighter, American-style pilsner, amber ales, or heavier porters and stouts, there is a house brew aimed at you. As a fan of beer from the medium to heavy end of the spectrum, I love the ales, porter and stout, but my absolute favorite is the Jeremiah Red. Now, while all of the food that I’ve had is delicious, my favorite has to be their pizza. BJ’s has a wide variety of deep dish, think crust, and flatbread pizzas and they are all fantastic. A particular favorite of mine is the deep dish BBQ Chicken Pizza. Lastly, for dessert, if you don’t get a Pizzookie (deep dish, warm cookie with ice cream on top) you aren’t living your life right.
Kids, don’t let your teachers fool you – these are the food groups that matter.
THE VERDICT – EWE SAYS:
And with that, boys and girls, #OmNoMonday draws to a close. We’ve learned that while not all classic RPGs are worthy of the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, at least they can be helped by the beer goggles of hilarity. And that, my friends, is the secret of life. – EWE
Salutations, my friends (and enemies…so, so many enemies)! How are you all on this fine Friday evening? Me? Well, I’m much warmer than I was last week at this time, thanks to my furnace finally being fixed. But only after I spent FOUR FUCKING NIGHTS with no heat. I was displeased. Very, very displeased. But I persevered, kept warm by the burning hatred that makes up the core of my being. And now the heat has returned, another busy week has drawn to a close, and it is time once again for everyone’s favorite Friday tradition – #FrozenFoodFridays!
#FrozenFoodFridays?! SWEET!
This week, we enjoy another yummy dessert – because when you’re single, living alone, and pretty consistently rejected, one of the few barriers against depression is getting to eat whatever the hell you damn well please. And since blueberries are one of my favorite actually healthy foods, I can even twist this into being a somewhat good for you treat as well! So let’s make ourselves some Frozen Blueberry Cream Pie!
Yes…it is as good as it looks.
Ingredients
9″ graham cracker crust
1 cup fresh blueberries
1/4 cup water
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon light corn syrup
3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
8 ounces cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
Instructions
Stir together the blueberries, water, sugar, corn syrup, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan over medium-high heat. Bring the mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally. Reduce heat to medium-low and cook another 4-5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the berries begin to burst and the mixture begins to thicken.
Remove from heat and stir in the lemon zest. Place the mixture in a bowl and let it cool for approximately 10 minutes. Lightly cover the bowl and refrigerate approximately 1 hour.
In another bowl, combine the cream cheese and confectioner’s sugar and beat it until smooth. Add the heavy whipping cream and vanilla extract and continue beating until stiff peaks begin to form. Gently FOLD (do NOT stir) the chilled blueberry mixture into the cheese mixture. Spoon the mixture into the graham cracker crust, gently spreading it to the edges of the crust. Lightly cover and freeze until firm.
When ready to serve, let thaw 20 minutes at room temperature first. Then enjoy with a glass of your favorite red wine!
And so, another #FrozenFoodFridays draws to a close. Look forward to some more gaming posts this week, including my thoughts on the Nintendo Switch launch date and game lineup, as well as (hopefully) another guest entry by Malevolent Moogle in the near future! Until then, mortals, be well! – EWE
Hello, warm-blooded mammals! How are you all doing, hmm? Oh, me? Well – I’M FUCKING COLD!!! See, I arrived home from work Thursday to find my furnace broken, and my apartment 51 degrees. It was after hours, and in a rare moment of kindness/insanity, I left a message for my landlord that I would get through the night, but to please send someone the next day. The next day, I received a message that the heat had been fixed while I was at work – hooray! EWE was pleased – until I arrived home, once again after hours, on Friday to find my apartment…49 degrees. So this time, I called the emergency maintenance line, as my landlord wouldn’t be back in the office until Monday. The technician was quite nice…and quite overbooked, and couldn’t get to me until Saturday morning. Thus, this is how I spent my evening last night:
NOT. HAPPY.
With all that being said…I am somewhat late, but I would be remiss if I didn’t give you another edition of #FrozenFoodFridays! Seeing as how I myself was fucking frozen on Friday, it seems appropriate that I bring you another frozen treat – and nothing says frozen like the classic Popsicle!
Editor’s Note: If you can’t see the jokes about licking a frozen EWE coming already, you probably should just stop reading now…
SHUT UP, EDITOR! I have NOT become THAT desperate! (Editor’s Note: Um, actually…) I swear, I will kill you. I don’t care if you’re me, or I’m you, or whatever. I will freeze and incinerate you/me/us right this second if you don’t shut up.
Ahem – now, if you were ever a child, and even bad old EWE was a child many, many, MANY years ago, then you likely know all you need to know here – go to the store, go to the frozen desserts, and purchase/barter/appropriate these. Alternatively, on a hot summer day, the ice cream truck may come by and you could purchase one from there, but you’ll overpay. Unless you melt the driver’s face, silence anyone in the vicinity, and get the Popsicle yourself. As a bonus, you also now have a new, if rather conspicuous, vehicle! (Editor’s Note: DO NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.) Ugh…killjoy. Now, as you likely already know, there are a TON of different flavors of Popsicle that you can find out there. But here is the real secret I am here to let you in on – the three in the image above are the only ones that matter. Mango, peach, banana, tropical coconut fucking a passionfruit…they can all go to hell. If you’re not enjoying cherry, grape, or orange (in that order) then you’re Popsicling wrong.
Sorry about the delay in the resumption of #FrozenFoodFridays – the heat seems to be working now, but even if it quits again (which the technician seems to think likely, goddammit) I fortunately have other sources of warmth…
Until next time, little ones, remember – even if it seems like I hate others, I probably hate myself more…and I fucking guarantee I hate Donald Trump far, far more than that.
Merry, Happy Whatever, creatures…yes, it’s that special time of year where you all gather together in your strange, generational units and promptly remind each other why you only do that once a year. And yet you continue to repeat that same poor life choice…every year. As for me, it’s that time of year where I detest most things even more than I normally do, but this year has been special. This year has, bar none, been the worst year of my life. It’s not even a contest, really. There was the scarlet-haired witch who decided that “fiance” was just a when-you-feel-like-it kind of thing; there’s the fact that Paul Zindle is an actual lifeform that continues to exist and draw breath in the same plane of existence that I do; and let’s not even get started on the last couple of months. Honestly, it’s a wonder I haven’t torched this mudball to a cinder ages ago. Of course, maybe it’s me. Maybe I owe everyone an apology.
Oh, good point.
But, one of the brighter spots in this absolute hellhole has been…you. You humans reading this right now. See, I didn’t think anyone would notice this. This was basically a way for me to talk to myself, without looking insane (Editor’s Note: more insane) to everyone around me. But then some of you liked it. And then more of you. And you talked back to me. You laughed with me. You shared the joys of loathing humanity with me.
And so for you people, I present – EWE’s Evil Holiday Green Bean Casserole of Doom.
DOOOOOOOM!
Ingredients:
One bag frozen green beans (after all, it is #FrozenFoodFridays)
One can chicken broth
One can cream of mushroom soup.
One container of French’s French Fried Onions
Shredded cheddar cheese
Black pepper
Instructions:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. In a medium saucepan, combine the frozen green beans and chicken broth and heat, stirring occasionally, until not frozen anymore. Drain the beans.
In a baking dish or casserole, mix together the beans, cream of mushroom soup, about half the container of french fried onions, and black pepper to taste. Make sure everything is mixed together thoroughly and that it is spread evenly across the dish.
Place in the oven for 25 minutes or until the mixture is bubbling. Remove and cover the mixture with shredded cheese and the remaining onions. Return to oven for an additional five minutes or until the cheese is melted.
And now you have a classic dish for the godawful dinners that you are going to force yourself to sit through, you feeble fleshsacks. Now, if you’re REALLY wanting to get out of there, add some potassium chlor- (Editor’s Note: YOU CANNOT TELL THEM TO POISON THEIR HOLIDAY PARTIES.) What?! I’m not TELLING them to, I was just observing what someone could do…you know, if they so chose on their own, with no judgment whatsoever from me.
Ahem…anyway, humans…for what it’s worth, thank you for bothering to take the time to visit this lonely incarnation of hatred and malice. It has, and continues to, mean more than you know. – EWE
