Game Night! – CAH & the Return of #FrozenFoodFridays!

Greets, mortals!  Let’s start things off with a thank you to those of you that may have joined the game night crew earlier tonight as we dusted off the card table and streamed one of our favorites, Cards Against Humanity.  As always, it was whack, inappropriate, borderline-aneurysm-inducing (Editor’s Note: well, for him, anyway) fun.  For those that couldn’t join us live, don’t despair, my marvelous minions – just look below!

Now, normally that might be enough to call it a night – oh but I told you last time, old EWE has decided he wants to start ramping things up around here again.  Sure, I may not be able to post as OFTEN as I might like – but when I do, dammit, I’m going to make damn sure it was worth it.  So I have reached WAY back to find one of my most beloved segments from early in the blog’s life, dusted off the mothballs (Editor’s Note: or, in this case, freezer burn) whatever – I present to you the return of #FrozenFoodFridays!

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So, if you know me at all, and you think I’m going to find anything wrong with this dish, all I can say is hahahahahaha!!!

So, let’s get the negatives out of the way right off the bat, shall we?  Devour frozen meals have a completely godawful marketing department.  I mean, a balls-out, what-the-shit, genuinely horrific messaging campaign marked their entrance into the marketplace, and only got marginally better with their recent Deadpool 2 tie-in commercial campaign.  I loved that movie, but it didn’t influence my frozen dinner purchasing.  The commercial itself was entertaining as hell though, I’ll give them that.

The problem with all of this fancy packaging, 6th grade “food you wanna fork” (seriously, that is their slogan – if my eyes rolled any harder they would fall out) marketing campaign, and Deadpool licensing agreement is that it all leads to increased cost to you at the register.  When purchased at regular price, Devour frozen meals are some of the most expensive per ounce frozen meals you are going to find in the standard frozen food section of the grocer’s freezer, without venturing into specialty areas such as gluten free or the like.  However, this is where the good news begins because the meals are quite often not at regular price recently – more and more often, they are on sale.  And if you can find them while on such a sale, take full advantage of it, for you will not be disappointed.

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Look at this…LOOK AT IT!

I’ve not been fortunate enough yet to have sampled all of the wide variety of Devour meals, in particular the new sandwiches – but what I have had so far has been universally fantastic.  Painless preparation – heat, stir, heat again, let stand, stir and enjoy.  And as you’ve probably noticed above, they have one dish in particular that combines lasagna, alfredo sauce, Italian sausage, and bacon – four of my favorite things to eat in one scrumptious meal.  Devour frozen meals definitely get a thumbs up from me!

That’s it for tonight folks, as old EWE is hearing the siren song of his sheets and blankets – but with luck maybe I can be back before the weekend is out!  Until then, kiddos! – EWE

 

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#FrozenFoodFridays – Malevolent Moogle Request Edition

Greets and welcome to the weekend, humans!  I hope that the evening finds you well, or if you live in the U.S., at least finds you not dying in a natural disaster.  The South is underwater, the West is on fire…but hey, let’s not worry about climate change, it’s all just a bunch of lies spread by the Chinese, right?  Sure.  Tell me – when Trump Tower is suddenly not above sea level anymore, can that stuffed lion you had your kid riding on in your horrifically gaudy family photo be used as a flotation device?  Probably something you should think about at this rate.

I attended the ribbon-cutting ceremony for my newly-remodeled alma mater, The University of Akron School of Law, along with my BFF and fellow law grad Malevolent Moogle.  MM, in the blunt and forthright manner that is one of the primary reasons I value her friendship and advice above all others (this is the same person who once told me “oh my god, you are fucking flypaper for crazies!”), complimented my recent blogging work while lamenting that it had been some time since the last entry in #FrozenFoodFridays.  And so, without further ado, I welcome you to the latest installment in the now-quite-irregular ongoing series, #FrozenFoodFridays – Malevolent Moogle Request Edition!

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Not Pictured: Malevolent Moogle immediately after this was taken chasing me around like a maniacally laughing madwoman, attempting to decapitate me.

Now, one of the reasons that I put the weekly #FrozenFoodFridays to bed for a while is because I simply hadn’t been able to try as many different frozen foods, even using my extremely malleable standard of what can even remotely involve the term “frozen food.”  However, I am pleased to say that I have lately come upon a new product in the freezer section of my local Giant Eagle: Healthy Choice Power Bowls!

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Focused on a blend of high-protein meats, grains, and greens, these quick fixes come in four varieties, all of which I’ve enjoyed quite a bit – although frankly they had me sold at Korean BBQ.  Just microwave them according to the times in the instructions (I advise sticking to the lowest recommended time, and even then I’ve had some of them come out kind of overcooked and dry, but only rarely), then stir and enjoy.  The Korean BBQ is a bit spicy, but the rest are just flavorful, and the portion size is actually perfect to leave you not feeling still hungry but not overfull either.

Image result for healthy choice power bowls

And with that, our #FrozenFoodFridays has come to its end!  But my night is far from over – I need to get some new material written for the open-mic stand-up I’ve been doing lately, and I want to get some more progress made in Mario x Rabbids as well as Final Fantasy XIV, and maybe read a little bit before I completely crash and shut down.  But let it be known – my promise to Malevolent Moogle to bring you a #FrozenFoodFriday came first! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Better Late (And Drunk) Than Never Edition

Greets, kiddos!  Yeah, I know – it isn’t Friday.  But in fairness, I started to plan this on Friday – it just took me a few extra days to work the kinks out and get some other matters attended to.  So, I’m still counting it as #FrozenFoodFridays, and to hell with anyone that wants to argue the point!  Now, I’ve noticed that two particular types of treats seem to appeal to most of you moreso than the rest – sweets, and alcohol.  I knew there was something I liked about all of you!  I’m kind of glad I haven’t set you all on fire…yet.  Anyway – I decided to once again combine these two favorites of yours, mine, and anyone who has any taste whatsoever, in a way that I hadn’t tried before.  This resulted in something very special – I give to you EWE’s Boozy Buckeyes!

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The ability to make just about any flavor liquor is one of humanity’s only positive traits.

Ingredients:

  1. 2 cups creamy peanut butter (maybe more depending on how mixing goes)
  2. 1 cup butter, softened
  3. 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  4. 1 teaspoon salt
  5. 5 cups powdered sugar
  6. 1/4 cup peanut butter vodka
  7. 1/4 cup chocolate liquor
  8. 3 cups dark chocolate chips
  9. 1/8 teaspoon coconut oil

In a large mixing bowl, combine the peanut butter, butter, vanilla, and salt until it is well mixed.  Slowly add the powdered sugar, continuing to mix as you go.  When it is all well mixed, add the booze.  Continue mixing until thoroughly combined.  If the mixture is too thin to scoop into balls, add additional peanut butter to thicken.  Once combined, scoop into 1″ balls onto a baking sheet lined with parchment or wax paper.  Freeze for 30-40 minutes.

While the peanut butter balls are freezing, combine your dark chocolate chips and coconut oil in a microwave safe bowl and melt in 30-second bursts, stirring between each burst.  Once the peanut butter balls are set, insert a toothpick into the center of each ball and use to dip the ball into the chocolate bowl – but make sure to leave the top of each ball exposed so it looks like a buckeye, otherwise you’ve missed the entire point!  Return the chocolate covered balls (HA!) to the baking sheet and return to the freezer until the chocolate has set.  Remove the toothpick and keep these refrigerated until ready to serve.  Or, if you’re me, remove the toothpick, reflect on the pathetic state of your life, and eat the entire fucking tray while drinking the rest of the peanut butter and chocolate liquor combined in a glass and mixed with your tears.  Either way, enjoy! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Somewhat Less Crippled Edition

Salutations once again, my merry minions!  I’m once again here to entertain and inspire you – and this time, I’m not on the verge of literally falling to pieces!  Yes, it seems that my spine has thought it over and decided it isn’t yet time for it to completely destroy itself, and so I find myself able to, well, move without being in the mind-searing levels of pain that I was a week ago.  Not that it is completely fixed, mind you – but the difference is substantial and certainly tolerable to live with at this point.

And to celebrate my newfound good health…let’s completely fuck it all to hell with some tasty #FrozenFoodFridays fried food!

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Yes, I realize only one of these is frozen – your mistake is in thinking I give a fuck.

See, if you’re anything like me (Editor’s Note: SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP!) – cute, very cute – ahem, you’ll probably have fond memories of the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket.  But hey – why get it from Dairy Queen?  You have to do so many aggravating things to do that – put on pants, leave your lair, interact with humans while managing not to kill them – it’s a complete hassle.  So instead, why not make your own!  Minus the fries – DQ’s fries really kind of suck.

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Don’t forget the Texas Toast!

No real trick to preparing this – just follow the instructions on the packaging for each item!  One tip though – when something offers either conventional oven or microwave preparation, the better bet is almost ALWAYS the conventional oven.  Microwave may be quicker, but in my experience the wait for the oven is well worth it.  Have some patience, you damn instant-gratification kids!

And now, kiddos, it’s been a little while, but as you may remember, my occupation allows me a passing knowledge of the law.  In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to practice law, when I’m not busy convincing myself not to destroy your entire miserable species.  And so I feel somewhat compelled to clear up some misconceptions that are currently in the public sphere.  Our current president (Editor’s Note: Fun fact – every time EWE is forced to describe Trump as president, an angel has its wings violently ripped from its back and force-fed to it until it chokes to death) and his pitiful band of cronies seem to be of the opinion that they may limit the freedom of speech of government employees, up to and including FIRING THEM for speaking out against the administration.  This is wrong.

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This is also wrong…on every possible level.

Now, I know that President Tiny Hands Bitch knows what the Constitution is, as well as the Amendments – after all, he LOVES talking about the 2nd Amendment.  But apparently his knowledge is…selective, because as any goddamn preschooler can tell you, in order to get to “2” you must first get to “1” – in this case, the 1st Amendment.  That one guarantees freedom of speech to American citizens without interference by the federal government.  Now, most certainly, as an EMPLOYER, the government can instruct EMPLOYEES in what they may and may not say ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT.  So for example, the switchboard operators at the White House can be instructed that they should refrain from telling callers that it is the official position of the White House that the president is an insufferable, mentally ill shithead who belongs locked in a padded room rather than in office – but they CANNOT restrict or fire said switchboard operators from making such statements in their individual, private citizen capacity.  Making such statements without reprisal from the government IS THE EXACT THING THAT THE ENTIRE AMENDMENT WAS PREDICATED ON.  So, for any that might tell you “well, they can force them to say what they want because they work for the government” now you can calmly and confidently tell that person to go fuck him or her self because they have no goddamn idea what they are talking about.  You’re welcome! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Beating the Winter Blue(berrie)s Edition

Salutations, my friends (and enemies…so, so many enemies)!  How are you all on this fine Friday evening?  Me?  Well, I’m much warmer than I was last week at this time, thanks to my furnace finally being fixed.  But only after I spent FOUR FUCKING NIGHTS with no heat.  I was displeased.  Very, very displeased.  But I persevered, kept warm by the burning hatred that makes up the core of my being.  And now the heat has returned, another busy week has drawn to a close, and it is time once again for everyone’s favorite Friday tradition – #FrozenFoodFridays!

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#FrozenFoodFridays?!  SWEET!

This week, we enjoy another yummy dessert – because when you’re single, living alone, and pretty consistently rejected, one of the few barriers against depression is getting to eat whatever the hell you damn well please.  And since blueberries are one of my favorite actually healthy foods, I can even twist this into being a somewhat good for you treat as well!  So let’s make ourselves some Frozen Blueberry Cream Pie!

frozen-blueberry-cream-pie
Yes…it is as good as it looks.

Ingredients

  1. 9″ graham cracker crust
  2. 1 cup fresh blueberries
  3. 1/4 cup water
  4. 3 tablespoons sugar
  5. 1 tablespoon light corn syrup
  6. 3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
  7. 1/8 teaspoon salt
  8. 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
  9. 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
  10. 3/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
  11. 1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
  12. 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions

Stir together the blueberries, water, sugar, corn syrup, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan over medium-high heat.  Bring the mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally.  Reduce heat to medium-low and cook another 4-5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the berries begin to burst and the mixture begins to thicken.

Remove from heat and stir in the lemon zest.  Place the mixture in a bowl and let it cool for approximately 10 minutes.  Lightly cover the bowl and refrigerate approximately 1 hour.

In another bowl, combine the cream cheese and confectioner’s sugar and beat it until smooth.  Add the heavy whipping cream and vanilla extract and continue beating until stiff peaks begin to form.  Gently FOLD (do NOT stir) the chilled blueberry mixture into the cheese mixture.  Spoon the mixture into the graham cracker crust, gently spreading it to the edges of the crust.  Lightly cover and freeze until firm.

When ready to serve, let thaw 20 minutes at room temperature first.  Then enjoy with a glass of your favorite red wine!

And so, another #FrozenFoodFridays draws to a close.  Look forward to some more gaming posts this week, including my thoughts on the Nintendo Switch launch date and game lineup, as well as (hopefully) another guest entry by Malevolent Moogle in the near future!  Until then, mortals, be well! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Evil Ice Cube Edition

Hello, warm-blooded mammals!  How are you all doing, hmm?  Oh, me?  Well – I’M FUCKING COLD!!!  See, I arrived home from work Thursday to find my furnace broken, and my apartment 51 degrees.  It was after hours, and in a rare moment of kindness/insanity, I left a message for my landlord that I would get through the night, but to please send someone the next day.  The next day, I received a message that the heat had been fixed while I was at work – hooray!  EWE was pleased – until I arrived home, once again after hours, on Friday to find my apartment…49 degrees.  So this time, I called the emergency maintenance line, as my landlord wouldn’t be back in the office until Monday.  The technician was quite nice…and quite overbooked, and couldn’t get to me until Saturday morning.  Thus, this is how I spent my evening last night:

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NOT.  HAPPY.

With all that being said…I am somewhat late, but I would be remiss if I didn’t give you another edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  Seeing as how I myself was fucking frozen on Friday, it seems appropriate that I bring you another frozen treat – and nothing says frozen like the classic Popsicle!

popsicle
Editor’s Note: If you can’t see the jokes about licking a frozen EWE coming already, you probably should just stop reading now…

SHUT UP, EDITOR!  I have NOT become THAT desperate!  (Editor’s Note: Um, actually…)  I swear, I will kill you.  I don’t care if you’re me, or I’m you, or whatever.  I will freeze and incinerate you/me/us right this second if you don’t shut up.

Ahem – now, if you were ever a child, and even bad old EWE was a child many, many, MANY years ago, then you likely know all you need to know here – go to the store, go to the frozen desserts, and purchase/barter/appropriate these.  Alternatively, on a hot summer day, the ice cream truck may come by and you could purchase one from there, but you’ll overpay.  Unless you melt the driver’s face, silence anyone in the vicinity, and get the Popsicle yourself.  As a bonus, you also now have a new, if rather conspicuous, vehicle!  (Editor’s Note: DO NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.)  Ugh…killjoy.  Now, as you likely already know, there are a TON of different flavors of Popsicle that you can find out there.  But here is the real secret I am here to let you in on – the three in the image above are the only ones that matter.  Mango, peach, banana, tropical coconut fucking a passionfruit…they can all go to hell.  If you’re not enjoying cherry, grape, or orange (in that order) then you’re Popsicling wrong.

Sorry about the delay in the resumption of #FrozenFoodFridays – the heat seems to be working now, but even if it quits again (which the technician seems to think likely, goddammit) I fortunately have other sources of warmth…

burning-hate

Until next time, little ones, remember – even if it seems like I hate others, I probably hate myself more…and I fucking guarantee I hate Donald Trump far, far more than that.

#FrozenFoodFridays – Yeah, I Know It’s Not Friday Anymore Edition

So…I have to admit, I’m not going to apologize for this one.  See, last night, I attended a Christmas party for my local bar association.  And I was fortunate enough to do so with a lovely and amazingly witty and fun companion – one who asked if we could find the table closest to the corner, drink wine, and people watch while making snarky comments.  I literally cannot conceive of a better time or a better person to have it with.  Thus, I was unable to meet the deadline for #FrozenFoodFridays.  But never fear – thanks to my evil, omnipotent powers, I shall reverse time so that this entry will now take place in the past!  It’s kind of like that scene in Superman when he flies backwards around the planet to reverse time – except not fucking stupid.

So with that said, welcome to the latest edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  Now, this week we will once again return to something that involves very little effort – in fact, there is practically no prep for this at all.  But that doesn’t mean it isn’t a treat!  In fact, it’s one of my absolute favorite desserts – Coconut Cream Pie!

coconut-cream-pie

Now, I know what you’re thinking – SOMEBODY has to prepare this!  Well, that’s true – and under other circumstances, perhaps I will attempt to make my own version and share it with you.  But for the purposes of a quick and easy treat, find your niece or nephew that is having a school fundraiser, or hop in the car and run to your local bakery/restaurant, or even the grocery store to the frozen dessert section.  Once you have the pie, place in your refrigerator long enough for it to not be completely frozen anymore.  Then, either cut yourself a slice and enjoy – or if you are a pathetic nobody living alone, forgo cutting slices and just take a fork to the entire thing.

Now, one last thing before I go.  You see, I may be the personification of evil, but most of you out there are…sigh…good.  And so, I ask for your help.  You remember the lovely young lady that I mentioned earlier?  Well, she is the loving momma to a sweet and adorable black cat by the name of Sylvester – or as I affectionately call him, Beastie.

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‘Ello, Beastie!

Beastie, sadly, is feeling very under the weather right now.  He is under his momma’s care, but he can use all the positive vibes he can get.  So if you have a moment or two to spare, send a kind thought or well wish to little Beastie.  He is the only cat I have ever seen in my long, long existence that not only doesn’t bite you for scratching his belly, but actually LIKES it.  Bless his heart.  And from the bottom of where I should have a heart, I thank you for the positive feelings.  If you have a beastie of your own, make sure to let them know that they are special and loved. – EWE