#FrozenFoodFridays – Thanksgiving Edition

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving, minions!  The holiday is actually why I haven’t been as active this past week – this time of year there is just so much going on, and most of it is stressful and aggravating and makes me want to feed people to my dragon.  But since that’s “frowned upon” I will instead have to vent my irritation on all of you lucky boys and girls!

But before that – we can’t let Thanksgiving go by entirely without my personal recipe for an all-time holiday classic – yes, it’s time for EWE’s Probably-Won’t-Kill-You Pumpkin Pie!

And, of course, because I will be damned if I’m going to break from the theme of #FrozenFoodFridays, we will be using Marie Callender’s Frozen Pastry Pie Crust as a base.

frozen-pie-crust

Since we are talking about one of my personal favorite pies, I’m not going to mess around with optional ingredients – everything is required for this one, folks!  So if you decide you don’t need to follow my instructions, your pie may not turn out – and I might hunt you down and set you on fire.  You’ve been warned.

INGREDIENTS:

  1. 9″ Marie Callender’s Frozen Pastry Pie Crust
  2. 1 (15 oz) can pumpkin
  3. 1 (14 oz) can sweetened condensed milk
  4. 2 large eggs
  5. 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  6. 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
  7. 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  8. 1/2 teaspoon ground salt
  9. 1/4 teaspoon ground pumpkin pie spice
  10. 1/4 teaspoon ground clove
  11. Whipped cream (your own, store bought, whatever)

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

In a medium-large bowl, whisk the pumpkin, condensed milk, eggs, and spices until the mixture is smooth.  Pour the mixture into the still-frozen pie crust.  Place in the oven and bake for 15 minutes.

Now reduce the heat to 350 degrees.  Continue baking for ~45 minutes, or until a knife can be inserted 1″ from the crust and comes out clean when removed.  Remove and allow to cool for several hours until room temperature.  Once room temperature, keep in refrigerator unless being served immediately.  Before serving, garnish with whipped cream.

See?  Now that wasn’t so hard, was it?  I just made a few of these the other day, and if I do say so myself, they turned out quite well.  I mean, there was one person who decided upon looking at it that it hadn’t been cooked enough and threw it out.  But I’m pretty sure that person just hates me.  Which, in fairness, is not that uncommon.  Besides – a whole bunch of other people ate it, and to the best of my knowledge, they aren’t dead yet.  So we are going to call it a success!

So that’s all for #FrozenFoodFridays this week, kiddos!  I promise to try and come around more this coming week – and I haven’t forgotten the request I received for a chicken recipe, so I will be seeing what I can do!  And I’ve also completed a couple of books and some games as well, so look for my thoughts on those too.  And, of course, ranting.  Lots and lots of ranting. – EWE

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#FrozenFoodFridays – End of the World Edition?

Well, humans…you had a good run.  I mean, not really – but hey, I’m trying to let you go out with some dignity here, which is a far cry from the way you wiped out so many other species over the years, including SOME OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE.  But sadly, all awful experiments have to come to an end sometime, and for you that time is now.  Some of you are definitely not that bad, and I will genuinely miss a few, but it’s the other several billion that ruin it for you.  So, I’m afraid it’s meteors, tidal waves, and my newest experiment, fire tornadoes across the globe.  Sorry, nothing you can do now to stop it.  Nothing can change my mind.  I’ve had enough.  Nothing could…possibly…

…………….GODDAMMIT, Alanah!  Now what am I supposed to do, huh?!  I can’t destroy that!  LOOK AT THAT!  IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE!  Now thanks to you and Chelsea (I love you Chelsea, you’re adorable, don’t ever ever change) 5.99 billion mouthbreathers are going to get to continue fucking up the earth, and more importantly, MY LIFE!  Fine then – but when I finally make good on taking a trip to SF, you owe me a drink!  You know…after the, like, 20 I probably owe you for all the good shit you’ve done.

Anyway…I guess since I’m NOT going to vaporize you all now, it’s time for #FrozenFoodFridays.  Once again, I’m cheating a bit this week, as the item in question may be frozen, or may not.  And if it is, you’re gonna want to thaw it before you get started.  But fuck it – it counts.  So here are EWE’s secret/created in a drunken stupor and can’t remember anything exact recipe Cilantro Lime Swordfish Steaks!

swordfish-steak
Commence drooling, mortals.

Required Ingredients:

  1. Swordfish Steaks, frozen or fresh (if frozen, be sure to thaw first; if not, um, don’t).
  2. Limes, several (in case you missed it last time, I’m not big on numbers – just get a bunch).
  3. Cilantro, 1 bunch washed and chopped (if on the fence about how much to use, err on the side of MORE CILANTRO).
  4. Olive Oil (a small amount to grease the baking dish).

Optional Ingredients:

  1. Lemon (use sparingly, as it combines well but can overpower the lime, which defeats the whole purpose)
  2. Garlic, 1 clove, minced (I love garlic in almost anything – but sometimes just the simple cilantro and lime combo is very refreshing.  Try both and see what you prefer!)
  3. Black Pepper / Crushed Red Pepper (see comment for garlic above).
  4. Liquor (not actually an ingredient, but tends to help me think I’m not fucking up too badly).

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

Grease a baking dish using a small amount of olive oil.  Place the fish steaks in the baking dish.  Cut several of the limes in half and squeeze them over the fish until the steaks are covered and surrounded by lime juice.  Cut a remaining lime into slices and place these on and around the fish steaks in the baking dish.  Now cover everything with the chopped cilantro.  If you have used any optional ingredients, add those at this time as well.  In a small bowl, squeeze a few more limes to be used to baste during baking.

Place the baking dish on the middle oven rack, uncovered, and bake for 15-20 minutes, basting occasionally, until the fish is easy to flake with a fork.  Serve garnished with a fresh lime or lemon slice, if desired.

So I hope you enjoyed #FrozenFoodFridays once again, as well as the world not ending.  You can thank Alanah and Chelsea.  I did get a small measure of revenge though – while she was playtesting a VR game, I projected an image of my face into her headset.


Ah…good times! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Godzilla Threshold Edition

I’m going to level with you, kids – it has not been a good week.  I am not in a good mood.  I thought I was going to witness a historical event for you humans earlier this week: you were going to follow the first African-American president in the history of America with the first female president in the history of America.  And I could genuinely respect her, too – evil, but not TOO evil.  Just skilled and experienced politician level evil.  But then the goddamned ignorant masses did what they always do and fucked it all up.  Instead of doing the intelligent thing, and electing a leader that they may not have liked, but who was good at, you know, fucking leading – they went with the goddamn motherfucking psychotic sex offender.  And so now…now I’m stuck with four fucking years of this.

trump-stupid-face
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

You know, over the centuries I’ve tried to separate the wheat from the chaff for you people.  I’ve plagued some stupid fuckers, I’ve burned your cities to thin out the herd, I’ve even sunk an advanced civilization or two to the bottom of the sea so that the rest of you wouldn’t feel too inferior.  But every once in a while, I have to stand back and see what you’ve learned, what you can do on your own.  AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING REWARD ME?!

You know what, that’s it.  There comes a time when things have gotten so abso-fucking-lutely awful that literally ANY solution is acceptable, no matter how destructive or collaterally damaging it may be.  That’s right – the Godzilla Threshold.  When things have gotten so bad that releasing an all-powerful incarnation of destruction is actually THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME.  And you insignificant fleshbags didn’t just cross the threshold, you threw yourself over it like a drunk frat boy belly-flopping into the pool.  And like that drunk frat boy, I hope those of you who thought voting for this orange muppet was a good idea will enjoy drowning when the goddamn polar ice caps melt.  Because me and the big G will sure enjoy watching it.

And that mind-bendingly stupid outcome to the US election, coupled with dealing with a few other, more personal failings, leads us into this week’s #FrozenFoodFridays.  Now, you may ask, what kind of icy treat might EWE use to lift his spirits in these troubled times?  Some more ice cream?  Perhaps another dessert?

Fuck no.  We are WELL past the point of that.

jaeger
Chill. Pour. Drink. Repeat.

What’s that?  Jaegermeister isn’t a “frozen food?”  Well, there are only two ways to store this particular liquor – 1. in the freezer, and 2. improperly.  So shut the fuck up.  It gets stored in the freezer, ergo, it counts for #FrozenFoodFridays.

Needless to say, there isn’t much prepping involved here, but there are any number of ways in which to enjoy this delicious herbal spirit.  Of course, you can just drink it by the shot, or on election night, chug it straight from the bottle.  But if you aren’t trying to put yourself into a coma for the next four years, there are also some tasty beverages that you can prepare for your next pointless human social gathering.  There is the classic Dr. Jaeger, which as one might expect is a mixture of Jaeger and Dr. Pepper soda.  And of course, mixing liquor, almost any liquor, with Coke usually turns out alright.  A relatively new one is to mix Jaeger with Mt. Dew Pitch Black – a bit more citrus than the other soda-based drinks.

There is the ever-popular Jaeger Bomb, combining Jaeger and Red Bull.  My preference is for the Ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb – Jaeger, black cherry energy drink, and grenadine.  And for those of you that feel like getting VERY creative, mix yourself some Black Blood.  Pour 2 oz of Blue Curacao liquor, 1 oz of Jaeger, and 1 oz of Squirt citrus soda into a shaker with ice, shake well and serve.

And with that, #FrozenFoodFridays comes to an end once again.  But before I go, I want to speak directly to all of the celebrating Trump supporters out there.  I keep hearing how you’re tired of being called bigots and racists just because you voted for a racist bigot.  Let me give you a bit of perspective: thanks to your votes, there are MILLIONS of Americans who are afraid for their lives.  They are afraid they are going to have their families ripped apart, afraid to worship their religion freely, afraid to be darker complected than your average Western European, afraid that their marriages that they just finally won the right to have are going to be taken away.  So let me be as clear as I possibly can – I care a metric fuck-ton more about THEIR feelings than I do about how YOU’RE feeling right now.  You don’t want to be called racist?  Here’s a thought – don’t choose a racist to represent what you believe.  It’s not fucking rocket science.  And I know, I know…there were a lot of different considerations that went into your vote, right?  Well, you forgot one detail about this nation – IT’S MINE.  All of the talk about how the progressives are soft and weak and politically correct – THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO ME.  I had this continent of misfits finally heading in something vaguely resembling the right direction – and now you’ve derailed the whole goddamn thing.  So here is what your friendly neighborhood EWE has to tell you – I am now going to have to spend four years putting out this raging dumpster fire that you started, and then start guiding us back just to where we ALREADY FUCKING WERE before we can make any more ACTUAL PROGRESS.  I am suggesting that you stay out of the way.  But if you decide not to, well…it’s not like I need much incentive for disproportionate retribution, do I? – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Finally On Time Edition!

Greets and welcome back, minions and minionettes!  I do hope you enjoyed our guest contributor last time, the ever-loving-to-tell-me-what-a-loser-I-am Malevolent Moogle!  She did so great that I am thinking of dumping more work off on- I mean, asking her to come back and contribute more often!  But that isn’t the first time you have all been introduced to the maniacal mind of MM – no, she actually was the inspiration for everybody’s favorite segment here!  That’s right – it’s time for #FrozenFoodFridays!

Tonight, we have an extremely versatile vittle – is it a snack?  Is it a side dish?  Is it a meal unto itself?  The answer depends on how many you have, the variety, and just how pathetically lonely and sad your sorry excuse for existence has become.  (Editor’s Note: EWE prepares these as a meal by seasoning them using salt from the actual tears he is shedding while realizing that he is preparing them as a meal for himself.)  Hey, fuck you editor!  Don’t you mock me!  (Editor’s Note: I’m you.  You are writing this.  You literally just told yourself to go fuck…yourself.)  Moving on…

Well, no matter in  what capacity you serve them, Mrs. T’s Frozen Pierogies definitely won’t disappoint you!

perogies

Now, there are a few different ways that you can prepare these little frozen wonders, but here is what I like to do – I heat some olive oil and butter in a wok (and sometimes add some minced garlic, if you’re in the mood, and you fucking should be because garlic is amazing), and then add the frozen pierogies and saute them until they’ve turned golden brown, very much like the lovely picture on the front of the box.  (Editor’s Note: EWE learned this from putting puzzles together while staring at the box art as a child.)  SHUT.  UP.  Ahem – be sure to stir/turn/physically manipulate in your manner of choosing the pierogies as they cook, and don’t overcook them or the goddamn smoke alarm goes off and if you live in an apartment you feel like a fucking idiot.  Or so I’ve been told.

Once they are cooked to perfection, just serve them and eat them.  Be sure to cut open the first few to let the filling cool a bit – unless you don’t give a shit about your tongue or having skin on the roof of your mouth, in which case, just toss that bastard in there whole, moron.

And here is a bonus preparation method that I discovered while drunk a while back – instead of the oil and butter, you can saute these in beer.  No, seriously – it turns out great.  Assuming that 1. you like beer, and 2. you use actual beer, not Bud or Miller or some shit like that.  Seriously – go buy a goddamn oatmeal stout, pour some of that in with the pierogies – delicious.

new-holland-poet-oat-stout-12oz-17
Then drink the other five-plus of these in the pack.  You’ll thank me later.

And there you have it – a delicious snack/side/meal and a drink (or 5) to go with it!  I hope you’ve enjoyed this edition of #FrozenFoodFridays – but if you haven’t, well, I’ve just about had my fill of bitchy people this week, so I’m pretty sure you know what I’m going to tell you what you can do.  But since I know none of you would still be reading this if you DIDN’T like it, that doesn’t need to happen!  So until next time, kids, remember – if you’re poor and don’t pay your taxes so that you have some money to buy food and keep your heat on, you’re a criminal and are likely going to be prosecuted.  But if you’re filthy rich and don’t pay your taxes, you’re a goddamn genius who should be nominated to be president despite any blatant signs of dementia that you may display.  And that is the American Dream! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays -It’s Gotta Be Friday Somewhere Edition!

Soooo…yeah, it’s Saturday.  I’ve got nothing – it was a really stressful last couple of days at the office, as well as personally, and that led to no Friday post.  For that I am sorry – but, due to Evil Wizard’s Law of Temporal Convenience, it has to be Friday somewhere, in some dimension or plane of existence…therefore, welcome to another #FrozenFoodFridays!

And since I kind of blew the timing on this, it’s a kind of bonus – two related treats for the price of one!  Because tonight we have not one, but two of my personal favorite snacks and sometimes, meals – first, SuperPretzel Soft Pretzel Bites!

pretzel-bites
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I’ll eat all 35 in one shot.

I love hot pretzels – but lets face it, sometimes they just aren’t the most convenient things in the world.  I mean, maybe I don’t want to smother it in mustard or cheese – maybe I want to dip it.  But then I’ve got to pull the damn thing apart…the whole thing becomes a huge fucking hassle.  Enter the soft pretzel bite – proof that you humans are, occasionally, capable of higher-level thinking.

These are another relatively low-challenge snack to prepare – just place the frozen bites on a plate, moisten with water, salt to taste, and microwave.  But I can offer a few helpful tips.  First, I find that the optimal level of moisture is achieved by getting your hand wet and then using the wet hand to dampen the pretzel bites, rather than running the bites themselves under water.  Second, while there is a small pouch of salt in the box with the bites, using ground sea salt or table salt results in a better distribution across the bites.  Finally, do yourself a favor and prepare multiple dipping sauces for your pile of pretzel goodness.  Personally, I like to have some yellow mustard, some salsa con queso, some peppery marinara sauce, and some ranch dressing.  In fact, just describing this is making me fucking hungry now.

But wait!  Maybe you see this and say “Well, I’d like to have delicious warm pretzels for dinner, but I haven’t had any protein all day!”  To you I say – I’m a fucking wizard, did you NOT think I’d have you covered too?

pretzel-dogs
Insert your own wiener joke here.

Yes, they crammed their plump, chubby wieners into the warm, soft insides of the pretzels.  Actually…that sounds even worse than I thought it would when I was writing it.  I’d apologize, if I weren’t, you know, evil.  Anyway – the person that decided to combine beef hot dogs with soft pretzels is a certifiable genius and deserves a medal.  The preparation is basically the same, but now you’ve got the additional flavor of the dogs to go with the pretzel, and when you factor in the wide variety of condiments that can be used as a dip – well, your palate won’t know what hit it.  Kind of like those villagers I buried under an avalanche last week.  Ah, good times!

So that’s it for this week’s #FrozenFoodFridays, kids!  Apologies again for the tardiness.  Until next we meet, remember – you humans, no matter how unlikable you may be, you will sometimes encounter another that doesn’t seem to mind you, and may even enjoy your company for some odd reason.  Don’t take those people for granted.  Hang on to them.  You never know when they might not be there, and you’ll wish they were. – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Dessert Time!

See, a good authority figure would make you eat your dinner before offering a treat.  But an Evil one?  Oh, it’s straight to the dessert this week on #FrozenFoodFridays!

As you can see, I’ve brought you a classic this week – Breyer’s Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream.  Now, I’m not going to beat around the bush here – there’s little in the way of “prep” to this. I mean, I guess you could run your scoop under water to make scooping the ice cream a bit smoother…but really, why the fuck aren’t you just eating it straight out of the carton?  This is objectively the best ice cream on the face of the earth – there’s no “too much of a good thing” here.  Take it out of the freezer and enjoy.

Oh, and protip: keep to of these in the freezer. One is your standard dessert carton.  The other is there for when you’ve had a traumatic, depressing experience – that one you open and eat from start to finish in one go, stopping only to sob.  Don’t look at me!  Don’t judge me!  You know you do it too, goddammit!

And that’s it for this week’s #FrozenFoodFridays, boys and girls.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a gallon of ice cream, and a lot of regret to follow, waiting in my freezer. – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Healthy Edition

I got new art!  Seriously, I saw this piece by Mari Lyn and knew I had to hang it in my place.  I’ve been proud to know her through the years – she is an amazing and talented woman. Check out her work and support her!

It’s time once again, folks, for another #FrozenFoodFridays!  Now, this may seem like a shorter, cop-out edition this week, but there is a decent payoff in return – you see, I’m trying my hand at an actual, not frozen, homemade cooking adventure!  I will hopefully be able to share the success (or hilariously dismal failure) of it soon – but even a homemade meal needs a frozen treat!  And so, I finally bring to you the backup dish I’ve been threatening since I started this segment…

Halleluja!

That’s right, it’s everybody’s (read: my) favorite vegetable, broccoli!  Now, hear me out – I know throwing a bag of frozen broccoli in the microwave sounds pathetically simple, even for me.  To that I say: 1. If you ever call me pathetic again, I will rain meteors upon your village until not even a cockroach remains, and 2. There are ways to improve even the simply delicious steamed flavor.  For example, I like to dump the frozen broccoli in a pot with a can of chicken or beef broth and let it heat on the stovetop.  This lets the broth soak into the broccoli and compliments whatever your main dish may be.

Now, as for my new cooking adventure – I love alfredo.  I mean, as much as I am capable of the feeble human emotion of “love.”  So after having some early success with following recipes for alfredo sauce, I am going to attempt to create my own take on it this weekend.  It may be delicious.  Or it may kill someone.  It should come as no surprise that I am satisfied with either outcome.

Until next time, kids, remember – you know what, I don’t even need to do the clever Trump remark thing, do I?  I mean, look at him.  Just look.  Look at that shit.  Really?  Do I need to pile on that?  It’s beneath me. – EWE