#FrozenFoodFridays, Garlic Edition!

Greets once again, fragile carbon-based lifeforms!  Once again, I come to you in what could be described for me as a good mood – I don’t even feel like immolating a village at the moment!  You may credit the young lady who has decided that multiple occasions spending time with me is something she actually enjoys!  I don’t quite understand it – there may be some serious sanity questions in play here – but I like it, and I’m not going to argue with it.

Another thing to make me, and c’mon, all of you happy is that it is once again…#FrozenFoodFridays!  This week, we have quite the treat – at least if you, like me, are someone who is more than happy to go into Olive Garden and eat breadsticks until I feel very real concern that I might die.  I mean, warm, doughy, garlicky deliciousness can never be overstated.  And one way to enjoy it at home and away from throngs of mouthbreathing humanoids is with New York Garlic Breadsticks!

I mean, there isn’t much to say about preparing these – heat your oven and bake them.  If you fuck these up, you’ve got much larger issues you need to deal with than frozen foods.  But I can offer some tips – first, never buy just one box.  There are only six in there and that’s just enough for you to finish and think “WHERE THE HELL ARE THE REST?!”  Second, as good as these are on their own, get yourself a small jar of sauce (I’m a fan of Mid’s meat sauce or spicy marinaras, or peppery alfredo) and use these to soak up the sauce.  There may or may not be a heaven, but if there is, that’s what the food there tastes like, people.

Hope you enjoyed your tasty treat tonight, kids – but remember, if you know someone who thinks Donald Trump should be president, a far better use for these frozen breadsticks is to leave them frozen solid and use them to beat the living hell out of that person.  They’ll likely still be a complete moron, but at least now they’ll be unconscious and smell like garlic butter, both of which will be improvements!  Until next time, friends! – EWE


Belated #FrozenFoodFridays

So after a long week at work, I was incredibly excited to pick up Dragon Quest VII on Friday afternoon, as well as have my sons come to visit – but then suddenly, it wasn’t Friday anymore.  I have let you down, my devoted subjects.  But I shall attempt to make it up – here, without further ado, here is another (slightly late) edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!

This week, I bring you the deliciousness of Bertolli Italian Sausage and Rigatoni.  I’m a total sucker for pasta.  The problem is that most frozen pasta is awful.  No seriously, it never cooks right.  But these Bertolli frozen meals are goddamn amazing.  Meat, sauce, noodles, everything is just dumped in the skillet, cooked for about ten minutes, and you have a meal that could fool most people into thinking you had put effort into it.  One thing I love is that the sauce is frozen into little individual blocks, which thaw and spread out evenly as you heat everything.  This is so much better than a giant fucking block of frozen sauce that you have to sit and try to chip away at yourself to keep it evenly distributed.

If I have one complaint, it’s that when they say a non-stick skillet, THEY ARE NOT KIDDING.  If you have a standard skillet without a non-stick surface, even if you butter or oil it first you had better keep stirring it constantly to avoid it becoming permanently glued to the skillet.  I don’t like having to scrape my dinner onto my plate.  But as long as you are paying attention, this shouldn’t happen – and if you can’t pay attention to something for ten fucking minutes, you shouldn’t be allowed to cook for yourself anyway.

Hopefully I have earned your forgiveness for my tardiness!  I hope to be back later tonight with more to share.  – EWE

Kneeling Down for What You Believe In, #FrozenFoodFridays

Greets once again, little ones!  This won’t be an incredibly long post, but I need to do two things.  First, I need to get something off of my chest (because I’m usually SO fucking unwilling to give my opinion, right?)  and second, I will be keeping a promise.  Buckle up for the roller coaster, kids.

So it seems that a few people in the land of the free have gotten thoroughly twisted out of shape by the actions, or rather, inaction, of one man.  Colin Kaepernick, QB for the San Francisco 49ers, African-American professional athlete, has decided to show his concern with race relations and interactions between police and black Americans by…taking a knee during the national anthem.  And judging by the reactions of a vocal minority, the entirety of the goddamn world ended.  Cats sleeping with dogs, blood in the streets, anarchy and the death of the American dream everywhere.  Because a guy knelt in silence during a song before a football game.

Kneel before Zod!

I’m tired and this entire controversy irritates me, so I’m just going to cover the important points here, people.  There is no law that states you must stand with your hand over your heart during the national anthem.  Hell, prior to WWII, the tradition wasn’t even to put your hand over your heart.  Instead, children were taught to salute the flag with their arm straight out, angled slightly upward, palm down, fingers straight.  Yup, that’s right – the Nazi salute wasn’t started by the Nazis.  Once they picked it up, we decided “oh, fuck, that’s not who we want to be associated with” seeing as how they killed millions of people, so we switched to the hand over heart bit.  But anyway, again, not a law, not a rule, a tradition.  See, it can’t be a law because the choice to stand or not stand in protest is a form of free speech protected under the 1st Amendment.  The government requiring you to stand for the anthem would be a constitutional violation.

Now, could the NFL, as a private business, institute a rule saying that its players are required to stand?  Sure, they could.  But it isn’t a rule.  So Kaepernick isn’t breaking a rule, and the league can’t punish him.  Could they add a rule like that?  Yeah, but they won’t.  Why not, you may ask?  Because the NFL didn’t become the monolithic success that it is by being fucking stupid.  What business wants to be the one to say to a minority employee “you must give up your constitutional rights to work here?”  Are you insane?  Do you understand the PR nightmare, not to mention the potential civil rights lawsuit, that would generate?  They may, MAY, have a chance of prevailing in the inevitable lawsuit that would result from that rule – if they can show that they are applying the rule absolutely, positively uniformly across the board.  But if Kaepernick can show one instance of one player exercising speech in contravention to the League’s rule and not being punished for it, they would be fucked.  And either way, they get to be the League that doesn’t honor American freedoms.  Yeah, that’s a great fucking reputation.  So what possible reason do they have to do it?

Some have tried to tell me “well we will boycott the NFL until they punish him and make him stand!”  Fuck you.  Go ahead.  Boycott.  All of you.  Let’s say 100,00 people give up any and all NFL football (won’t happen, but let’s pretend) – the NFL won’t even fucking notice.  There are waiting lists for tickets.  Those seats will be filled.  That merch will be sold.  Those $10 beers will be drunk.  So by all means, exercise your right to free speech by boycotting the NFL.  Ironically, you’re exercising the same right that you feel Kaepernick shouldn’t be allowed to exercise.  And even more ironically, odds are that neither side will actually effect any real change through this.  But by all means, you petty assholes, don’t come to the stadium.  That’s fewer imbeciles I have to tolerate.  But DO NOT attempt to tell me that you have the right to tell Kaepernick that he can’t exercise his rights.  You have no goddamn idea what you are talking about.

Now, on to something happier – depending on your tastes (ha!).  You see, I mentioned last time that my best friend, Amber, gifted me with an adorable new whiskey holder in an attempt to mock my blogging efforts.  It’s actually holding my whisky now.  Well, was.  It needs a refill.  Anyway, I was so touched that I told her I would add a segment to the blog at her request.  She requested #FrozenFoodFridays (let’s get that trending, people) in which I am to review frozen foods.  She likely thought I would not do this.  She was wrong.

Frozen Food Fridays (TM)

Welcome to the inaugural edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  I’m your host, star, reviewer, and living god, Evil Wizard, Esq.!  Tonight – Stouffer’s French Bread pizza!

I’ve loved this shit since I was old enough to operate the oven without burning myself, which has to be at least a couple years now.  Seriously, they’re relatively cheap, well portioned (though in my wild youth I’d just eat both of them in the box at once, fat ass that I was) and surprisingly tasty.  There are, however, a few downsides.  First of all, they take a while to make – roughly 30 minutes in the oven and that’s after it’s preheated.  Depending on your oven this could be minutes or so long you’ve already eaten three ice cream sandwiches and aren’t fucking hungry anymore.  Also, your window of opportunity for optimal enjoyment is approximately 3.2 seconds long, as this is the only time that the pizza has cooled enough that it won’t instantly incinerate the entire roof of your mouth with its molten lava sauce and yet not gotten cold and congealed.  The timing of this window varies with environmental factors and is difficult to predict.  My preferred method – fuck it, just the the thing right out of the oven.  Yeah, it’s gonna hurt, but after the initial excruciating burning, your mouth goes into shock and doesn’t feel pain anymore, and you can then enjoy the rest of the delicious pizza before the throbbing pain sets in.

So that’s it for this edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  Next week – broccoli!  Or something else.  I don’t know.

For now, kids, remember – Donald Trump’s biggest idol as a leader is Vladimir Putin.  Putin has a hobby of having critics and opponents assassinated.  Trump sees this as “strong leadership.”  Now I can’t be sure, but there may be a case here that by voting for Donald Trump, you’re an accessory to murder.  – EWE