#FrozenFoodFridays – Somewhat Less Crippled Edition

Salutations once again, my merry minions!  I’m once again here to entertain and inspire you – and this time, I’m not on the verge of literally falling to pieces!  Yes, it seems that my spine has thought it over and decided it isn’t yet time for it to completely destroy itself, and so I find myself able to, well, move without being in the mind-searing levels of pain that I was a week ago.  Not that it is completely fixed, mind you – but the difference is substantial and certainly tolerable to live with at this point.

And to celebrate my newfound good health…let’s completely fuck it all to hell with some tasty #FrozenFoodFridays fried food!

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Yes, I realize only one of these is frozen – your mistake is in thinking I give a fuck.

See, if you’re anything like me (Editor’s Note: SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP!) – cute, very cute – ahem, you’ll probably have fond memories of the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket.  But hey – why get it from Dairy Queen?  You have to do so many aggravating things to do that – put on pants, leave your lair, interact with humans while managing not to kill them – it’s a complete hassle.  So instead, why not make your own!  Minus the fries – DQ’s fries really kind of suck.

parm-toast
Don’t forget the Texas Toast!

No real trick to preparing this – just follow the instructions on the packaging for each item!  One tip though – when something offers either conventional oven or microwave preparation, the better bet is almost ALWAYS the conventional oven.  Microwave may be quicker, but in my experience the wait for the oven is well worth it.  Have some patience, you damn instant-gratification kids!

And now, kiddos, it’s been a little while, but as you may remember, my occupation allows me a passing knowledge of the law.  In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to practice law, when I’m not busy convincing myself not to destroy your entire miserable species.  And so I feel somewhat compelled to clear up some misconceptions that are currently in the public sphere.  Our current president (Editor’s Note: Fun fact – every time EWE is forced to describe Trump as president, an angel has its wings violently ripped from its back and force-fed to it until it chokes to death) and his pitiful band of cronies seem to be of the opinion that they may limit the freedom of speech of government employees, up to and including FIRING THEM for speaking out against the administration.  This is wrong.

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This is also wrong…on every possible level.

Now, I know that President Tiny Hands Bitch knows what the Constitution is, as well as the Amendments – after all, he LOVES talking about the 2nd Amendment.  But apparently his knowledge is…selective, because as any goddamn preschooler can tell you, in order to get to “2” you must first get to “1” – in this case, the 1st Amendment.  That one guarantees freedom of speech to American citizens without interference by the federal government.  Now, most certainly, as an EMPLOYER, the government can instruct EMPLOYEES in what they may and may not say ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT.  So for example, the switchboard operators at the White House can be instructed that they should refrain from telling callers that it is the official position of the White House that the president is an insufferable, mentally ill shithead who belongs locked in a padded room rather than in office – but they CANNOT restrict or fire said switchboard operators from making such statements in their individual, private citizen capacity.  Making such statements without reprisal from the government IS THE EXACT THING THAT THE ENTIRE AMENDMENT WAS PREDICATED ON.  So, for any that might tell you “well, they can force them to say what they want because they work for the government” now you can calmly and confidently tell that person to go fuck him or her self because they have no goddamn idea what they are talking about.  You’re welcome! – EWE

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How EWE was Broken on #FrozenFoodFridays

Greets – ouch! – humans.  As I’m sure you can tell, it isn’t Friday.  But it isn’t that I forgot about #FrozenFoodFridays – believe me, I’d much, MUCH rather have been communing with all of you than having the day I had.

You see, last Tuesday I awoke to find that something was wrong with my right shoulder.  Specifically, I couldn’t use my right arm without a stabbing pain in my right shoulderblade.  This concerned me, as I am familiar with back injuries – I have a partially herniated disk in my lower lumbar from many years ago that would still flair up on me from time to time.  So I decided to take no chances and be very careful with my right arm and shoulder until the pain subsided or I could get in to see a doctor (shout out to my favorite prosecutor for being kind enough to rub the knot out of my shoulder when I couldn’t reach it).  Sadly, on Friday, I made the mistake of reaching across my body to lift something off of the floor with my left hand, and as I lifted, I heard/felt a dull pop in my lower back followed by excruciating pain.

As it turns out, the disk in my lower back had herniated again, directly into my sciatic nerve, and the muscles surrounding it were all spasming out of control and wouldn’t allow it to pull back in.  This made the rest of my day in court rather…unpleasant.  By the time I was done, I didn’t even know if I would be able to drive home, so it became clear that a trip to Statcare was in order.  Unfortunately, that would consume several more hours of my evening.  Once the doctor there confirmed what I already knew had happened, he prescribed anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, and painkiller to try and see if the disk would slide back into place once the muscles relaxed.  If it doesn’t, then my doctor will have to order an MRI to see what else can be done.  Once I came home and took the medication, it essentially rendered me unconscious for the rest of the night and most of Saturday as well.  Hence, #FrozenFoodFridays came and went without an update.  But never fear – my injury and the excruciating pain have given me the perfect thing to remind you to take out of your freezer!

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It’s true – many people keep this in the freezer.

Ah, yes – vodka.  Grey Goose is my preferred label, but there are a lot of good choices out there for you.  Of course, you can keep vodka at room temperature, but I prefer to keep it chilled in the freezer as most of my favorite ways to enjoy it involve ice or cold mixers anyway, such as vodka cranberry juice, or grape vodka soda.  So since this is kept in the freezer, I’m counting it as meeting the completely arbitrary, self-created criteria of #FrozenFoodFridays.  Enjoy!

Now, as bad as the back injury was a buzzkill on Friday, it wasn’t the only even that day that seemed aimed directly at pissing me off.  I mean, it’s bad enough that there are far more senseless idiots voting in America than even I had accounted for, but during his inauguration speech, Orange Boy decided to plagiarize a character from one of the greatest comic book movies of all time?!

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You have my permission to die now…actually, you’ve had it and will continue to have it.

Yes, our new president decided to rip off Bane in this speech.  I guess he figured since Bane is a fictional character, plagiarizing him was acceptable.  So, yeah, all in all it was a tremendously shitty Friday.  He also had his press secretary scream into a camera two days later that the media was just trying to fool us with their “facts” and “evidence” that this inauguration was far smaller than that of President Obama, blatantly lying and making false statements WHICH TRUMP’S ADVISER LATER CALLED “ALTERNATIVE FACTS.”  Children, listen carefully, there are no such things as “alternative facts.”  When something is not a “fact” that makes it a “falsehood” or more commonly known as “lies” or “complete bullshit.”  – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Beating the Winter Blue(berrie)s Edition

Salutations, my friends (and enemies…so, so many enemies)!  How are you all on this fine Friday evening?  Me?  Well, I’m much warmer than I was last week at this time, thanks to my furnace finally being fixed.  But only after I spent FOUR FUCKING NIGHTS with no heat.  I was displeased.  Very, very displeased.  But I persevered, kept warm by the burning hatred that makes up the core of my being.  And now the heat has returned, another busy week has drawn to a close, and it is time once again for everyone’s favorite Friday tradition – #FrozenFoodFridays!

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#FrozenFoodFridays?!  SWEET!

This week, we enjoy another yummy dessert – because when you’re single, living alone, and pretty consistently rejected, one of the few barriers against depression is getting to eat whatever the hell you damn well please.  And since blueberries are one of my favorite actually healthy foods, I can even twist this into being a somewhat good for you treat as well!  So let’s make ourselves some Frozen Blueberry Cream Pie!

frozen-blueberry-cream-pie
Yes…it is as good as it looks.

Ingredients

  1. 9″ graham cracker crust
  2. 1 cup fresh blueberries
  3. 1/4 cup water
  4. 3 tablespoons sugar
  5. 1 tablespoon light corn syrup
  6. 3/4 teaspoon cornstarch
  7. 1/8 teaspoon salt
  8. 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
  9. 8 ounces cream cheese, softened
  10. 3/4 cup confectioner’s sugar
  11. 1 1/2 cups heavy whipping cream
  12. 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions

Stir together the blueberries, water, sugar, corn syrup, cornstarch, and salt in a saucepan over medium-high heat.  Bring the mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally.  Reduce heat to medium-low and cook another 4-5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the berries begin to burst and the mixture begins to thicken.

Remove from heat and stir in the lemon zest.  Place the mixture in a bowl and let it cool for approximately 10 minutes.  Lightly cover the bowl and refrigerate approximately 1 hour.

In another bowl, combine the cream cheese and confectioner’s sugar and beat it until smooth.  Add the heavy whipping cream and vanilla extract and continue beating until stiff peaks begin to form.  Gently FOLD (do NOT stir) the chilled blueberry mixture into the cheese mixture.  Spoon the mixture into the graham cracker crust, gently spreading it to the edges of the crust.  Lightly cover and freeze until firm.

When ready to serve, let thaw 20 minutes at room temperature first.  Then enjoy with a glass of your favorite red wine!

And so, another #FrozenFoodFridays draws to a close.  Look forward to some more gaming posts this week, including my thoughts on the Nintendo Switch launch date and game lineup, as well as (hopefully) another guest entry by Malevolent Moogle in the near future!  Until then, mortals, be well! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Evil Ice Cube Edition

Hello, warm-blooded mammals!  How are you all doing, hmm?  Oh, me?  Well – I’M FUCKING COLD!!!  See, I arrived home from work Thursday to find my furnace broken, and my apartment 51 degrees.  It was after hours, and in a rare moment of kindness/insanity, I left a message for my landlord that I would get through the night, but to please send someone the next day.  The next day, I received a message that the heat had been fixed while I was at work – hooray!  EWE was pleased – until I arrived home, once again after hours, on Friday to find my apartment…49 degrees.  So this time, I called the emergency maintenance line, as my landlord wouldn’t be back in the office until Monday.  The technician was quite nice…and quite overbooked, and couldn’t get to me until Saturday morning.  Thus, this is how I spent my evening last night:

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NOT.  HAPPY.

With all that being said…I am somewhat late, but I would be remiss if I didn’t give you another edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!  Seeing as how I myself was fucking frozen on Friday, it seems appropriate that I bring you another frozen treat – and nothing says frozen like the classic Popsicle!

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Editor’s Note: If you can’t see the jokes about licking a frozen EWE coming already, you probably should just stop reading now…

SHUT UP, EDITOR!  I have NOT become THAT desperate!  (Editor’s Note: Um, actually…)  I swear, I will kill you.  I don’t care if you’re me, or I’m you, or whatever.  I will freeze and incinerate you/me/us right this second if you don’t shut up.

Ahem – now, if you were ever a child, and even bad old EWE was a child many, many, MANY years ago, then you likely know all you need to know here – go to the store, go to the frozen desserts, and purchase/barter/appropriate these.  Alternatively, on a hot summer day, the ice cream truck may come by and you could purchase one from there, but you’ll overpay.  Unless you melt the driver’s face, silence anyone in the vicinity, and get the Popsicle yourself.  As a bonus, you also now have a new, if rather conspicuous, vehicle!  (Editor’s Note: DO NOT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS.)  Ugh…killjoy.  Now, as you likely already know, there are a TON of different flavors of Popsicle that you can find out there.  But here is the real secret I am here to let you in on – the three in the image above are the only ones that matter.  Mango, peach, banana, tropical coconut fucking a passionfruit…they can all go to hell.  If you’re not enjoying cherry, grape, or orange (in that order) then you’re Popsicling wrong.

Sorry about the delay in the resumption of #FrozenFoodFridays – the heat seems to be working now, but even if it quits again (which the technician seems to think likely, goddammit) I fortunately have other sources of warmth…

burning-hate

Until next time, little ones, remember – even if it seems like I hate others, I probably hate myself more…and I fucking guarantee I hate Donald Trump far, far more than that.

#FrozenFoodFridays – Holiday Side Dish Edition

Merry, Happy Whatever, creatures…yes, it’s that special time of year where you all gather together in your strange, generational units and promptly remind each other why you only do that once a year.  And yet you continue to repeat that same poor life choice…every year.  As for me, it’s that time of year where I detest most things even more than I normally do, but this year has been special.  This year has, bar none, been the worst year of my life.  It’s not even a contest, really.  There was the scarlet-haired witch who decided that “fiance” was just a when-you-feel-like-it kind of thing; there’s the fact that Paul Zindle is an actual lifeform that continues to exist and draw breath in the same plane of existence that I do; and let’s not even get started on the last couple of months.  Honestly, it’s a wonder I haven’t torched this mudball to a cinder ages ago.  Of course, maybe it’s me.  Maybe I owe everyone an apology.

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Oh, good point.

But, one of the brighter spots in this absolute hellhole has been…you.  You humans reading this right now.  See, I didn’t think anyone would notice this.  This was basically a way for me to talk to myself, without looking insane (Editor’s Note: more insane) to everyone around me.  But then some of you liked it.  And then more of you.  And you talked back to me.  You laughed with me.  You shared the joys of loathing humanity with me.

And so for you people, I present – EWE’s Evil Holiday Green Bean Casserole of Doom.

green-bean-casserole
DOOOOOOOM!

Ingredients:

  1. One bag frozen green beans (after all, it is #FrozenFoodFridays)
  2. One can chicken broth
  3. One can cream of mushroom soup.
  4. One container of French’s French Fried Onions
  5. Shredded cheddar cheese
  6. Black pepper

Instructions:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  In a medium saucepan, combine the frozen green beans and chicken broth and heat, stirring occasionally, until not frozen anymore.  Drain the beans.

In a baking dish or casserole, mix together the beans, cream of mushroom soup, about half the container of french fried onions, and black pepper to taste.  Make sure everything is mixed together thoroughly and that it is spread evenly across the dish.

Place in the oven for 25 minutes or until the mixture is bubbling.  Remove and cover the mixture with shredded cheese and the remaining onions.  Return to oven for an additional five minutes or until the cheese is melted.

And now you have a classic dish for the godawful dinners that you are going to force yourself to sit through, you feeble fleshsacks.  Now, if you’re REALLY wanting to get out of there, add some potassium chlor- (Editor’s Note: YOU CANNOT TELL THEM TO POISON THEIR HOLIDAY PARTIES.)  What?!  I’m not TELLING them to, I was just observing what someone could do…you know, if they so chose on their own, with no judgment whatsoever from me.

Ahem…anyway, humans…for what it’s worth, thank you for bothering to take the time to visit this lonely incarnation of hatred and malice.  It has, and continues to, mean more than you know. – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Bringing the Heat (and Meat) Edition

Hi there, kids!  How are we all tonight, hmm?  Me, I’m COLD AS FUCK.  Seriously, Ohio – the standing temperature is like 4 right now, and I believe the wind chill is roughly negative why-the-fuck-do-I-live-here.  I bought another ready-to-eat coconut cream pie earlier (goddamn fundraising coworkers’ kids!) and left it in the backseat of my car for the rest of the work day and I’m going to have to thaw the damn thing before I can eat it now.

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Selfie I took after work

So, while I wait for that, I suppose we can get down to some #FrozenFoodFriday main course business, shall we?  Now, if you’re into no carbs, vegetarian eating…you’re just gonna want to leave now.  Because I want to put myself into a nice starch coma with some Spicy Rigatoni and Frozen Meatballs.  To start out with, you’re going to need some frozen Italian style meatballs, so head to the grocery store and look for something like this.

meatballs
And you thought they just made brats.

Now, while you’re at the store, you also need some sauce, and since I said “spicy” earlier, you’re going to want some arrabbiata sauce.  There are a few different brands I like, including this one.

bertolli-arrabbiata-spicy-tomato-and-red-pepper-tomato-sauce-24-oz_1417548
Sinuses clogged? Not for long.

To round out your shopping trip, grab yourself a box of rigatoni – the full size ones, not the little mini-rigatoni.  Grow up and eat an adult sized noodle, jackass.  I’m not going to pick a specific brand here – I tend to just buy the cheapest one there is because I’m on a government salary and am lucky I can buy food at all.  And of course, if you’d like to feel really fancy – maybe you’re trying to impress a dinner date (which I would know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about) – or maybe you’re just going to carb yourself into oblivion.  Either way, snag some of these, too.

Next step – go pay for everything, unless you’d like to meet me by having me be appointed to defend you on a really stupid theft charge.  You won’t get my autograph, and I’ll probably call you some variation of an idiot at least three or four times.  So go check out.  Then, get the fuck home because it’s freezing outside – unless you live in a warm place, in which case, I hate you, asshole.  The rest of us are freezing our asses off.

Now, once you’re home with your purchased and/or stolen groceries, combine the frozen meatballs and sauce in a large saucepan and bring it to a boil, stirring along the way.  Cover it and reduce your heat, then simmer about 20-25 minutes, stirring occasionally.  While that’s going on, bring, uh, a bunch of water to a boil and dump in your rigatoni.  Boil for about 12 minutes, stirring now and then, and then drain.  Once everything is done, put it all into a bowl and wonder why all those people on diets that don’t allow this food hate themselves so goddamn much.

And that’s another #FrozenFoodFridays in the books!  I know I’ve been a bit slack lately with some of my postings on other subjects – work has been picking up (which is a good thing) and with it getting dark out by about 5:00 now (less of a good thing) I seem to run out of energy quickly.  But I shall endeavor to pick up the pace, so forgive this slight slowdown.  Or don’t, you know, if you weren’t particularly fond of your town/village/neighborhood.

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Bet you’re not cold now, are you?  You’re welcome.  – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – I’m Too Sick to Eat These Edition

Hello again, humans.  You are all lucky this week – not only do you get to read my wisecracking witticisms, but thanks to one of your pesky mortal ailments, I am far too tires and under the weather to incinerate anything/anyone.  Mind you, the desire is still there – I just can’t summon the effort right now.  So you all get a pass…for now.

And while you’re all enjoying your moderately extended lifespans, you may as well enjoy a delicious snack for #FrozenFoodFridays.  This week, we have something that is easy and delicious – despite the thought of any food right now being…less than pleasant for me.  You start with some of these – Ore-Ida Frozen French Fries.  I prefer the Seasoned Crinkles, but there a bunch of different varieties that work just as well.


Now, preheat your oven according to the directions on the bag.  Then place the fries on a baking sheet and into the preheated oven.  Here is where the fun starts.  A few minutes before the fries are done, remove and sprinkle them with your shredded cheese of choice – I prefer a cheddar-mozz blend, but again, whatever you feel like.  Then cover the whole thing with bacon bits as well.  Return to oven for the final couple of minutes, until fries are cooked through and cheese is melted.  Remove and then either drizzle ranch over the entire thing or get yourself some ranch to dip them in – because as anyone with even a modicum of intelligent knows, ranch makes everything better.  Everything.

And there you go!  Another delicious frozen treat, and even on time this week!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to locate the source of this pounding in my head…and kill it over and over again. – EWE