#FrozenFoodFridays – The UnFrozening

A week?!  It’s been a whole week since I’ve seen my devoted little demons?  Oh, how I’ve missed you – well, I mean, as much as I miss people ever.  I do apologize, truly – life had a way of getting away from me this past week, and even in my occasional spare moment I was exceedingly tired.  As an ancient evil wizard, my body doesn’t tend to like seasonal changes, and the weather swings this past week have been rather painful for me.  But don’t worry – nothing a few slaughtered villages can’t cure!

But in my return, I knew I needed to do something special – and something special is indeed what I bring you.  Tonight, we bring the heat to #FrozenFoodFridays – as we explore the outcome of my attempts to create homemade alfredo sauce!  And it still counts, because I guarantee that at some point, something I used was frozen somewhere in transport.


Now, like any good recipe, you need ingredients.  So here you go:

3 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons olive oil

3 cloves garlic, minced

2 cups heavy whipping cream

1/4 teaspoon white pepper

1/8 teaspoon black pepper

1/8 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese

3/4 cup mozzarella cheese

In a medium saucepan, melt the butter with the olive oil over medium-low heat.  Next, add the garlic, cream, white pepper, black pepper, and red pepper flakes.  Bring the mixture to a simmer.

Now comes a VERY IMPORTANT POINT.  From this point forward, you should just basically plan on stirring constantly the rest of the time.  Not occasionally, not frequently…the whole fucking time.  Trust me – it just works out better that way.

Add the parmesan cheese and simmer and stir for 8 minutes or until sauce has thickened and the consistency is smooth.  Then add the mozzarella cheese and continue stirring until the sauce is smooth.

And there you have it!  My version above is a peppery take on alfredo sauce – for slightly less kick, eliminate the black pepper and crushed red pepper.  I have made this a couple of times now, and I feel it has turned out quite well.  Try it over your favorite pasta ASAP!

So with that, I will bid you goodnight, kids.  I will try to make amends for my prolonged absence, but until next time, remember – if you are still supporting Donald Trump at this point, then when you are registering to vote for him you should just take an extra minute to also register as a sex predator.  It’ll save you some time down the road. – EWE


#FrozenFoodFridays – Healthy Edition

I got new art!  Seriously, I saw this piece by Mari Lyn and knew I had to hang it in my place.  I’ve been proud to know her through the years – she is an amazing and talented woman. Check out her work and support her!

It’s time once again, folks, for another #FrozenFoodFridays!  Now, this may seem like a shorter, cop-out edition this week, but there is a decent payoff in return – you see, I’m trying my hand at an actual, not frozen, homemade cooking adventure!  I will hopefully be able to share the success (or hilariously dismal failure) of it soon – but even a homemade meal needs a frozen treat!  And so, I finally bring to you the backup dish I’ve been threatening since I started this segment…


That’s right, it’s everybody’s (read: my) favorite vegetable, broccoli!  Now, hear me out – I know throwing a bag of frozen broccoli in the microwave sounds pathetically simple, even for me.  To that I say: 1. If you ever call me pathetic again, I will rain meteors upon your village until not even a cockroach remains, and 2. There are ways to improve even the simply delicious steamed flavor.  For example, I like to dump the frozen broccoli in a pot with a can of chicken or beef broth and let it heat on the stovetop.  This lets the broth soak into the broccoli and compliments whatever your main dish may be.

Now, as for my new cooking adventure – I love alfredo.  I mean, as much as I am capable of the feeble human emotion of “love.”  So after having some early success with following recipes for alfredo sauce, I am going to attempt to create my own take on it this weekend.  It may be delicious.  Or it may kill someone.  It should come as no surprise that I am satisfied with either outcome.

Until next time, kids, remember – you know what, I don’t even need to do the clever Trump remark thing, do I?  I mean, look at him.  Just look.  Look at that shit.  Really?  Do I need to pile on that?  It’s beneath me. – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays, Garlic Edition!

Greets once again, fragile carbon-based lifeforms!  Once again, I come to you in what could be described for me as a good mood – I don’t even feel like immolating a village at the moment!  You may credit the young lady who has decided that multiple occasions spending time with me is something she actually enjoys!  I don’t quite understand it – there may be some serious sanity questions in play here – but I like it, and I’m not going to argue with it.

Another thing to make me, and c’mon, all of you happy is that it is once again…#FrozenFoodFridays!  This week, we have quite the treat – at least if you, like me, are someone who is more than happy to go into Olive Garden and eat breadsticks until I feel very real concern that I might die.  I mean, warm, doughy, garlicky deliciousness can never be overstated.  And one way to enjoy it at home and away from throngs of mouthbreathing humanoids is with New York Garlic Breadsticks!

I mean, there isn’t much to say about preparing these – heat your oven and bake them.  If you fuck these up, you’ve got much larger issues you need to deal with than frozen foods.  But I can offer some tips – first, never buy just one box.  There are only six in there and that’s just enough for you to finish and think “WHERE THE HELL ARE THE REST?!”  Second, as good as these are on their own, get yourself a small jar of sauce (I’m a fan of Mid’s meat sauce or spicy marinaras, or peppery alfredo) and use these to soak up the sauce.  There may or may not be a heaven, but if there is, that’s what the food there tastes like, people.

Hope you enjoyed your tasty treat tonight, kids – but remember, if you know someone who thinks Donald Trump should be president, a far better use for these frozen breadsticks is to leave them frozen solid and use them to beat the living hell out of that person.  They’ll likely still be a complete moron, but at least now they’ll be unconscious and smell like garlic butter, both of which will be improvements!  Until next time, friends! – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays and More

I made it, little ones!  I actually managed social interaction with a human being in a non-employment-related outing and didn’t make a total and complete clusterfuck of the situation.  Side note: my autocorrect now actually changes clusterfuck to its proper spelling when I make a typo – I’ve turned Siri into a foul-mouthed snarker too.  Anyway, we had a very nice time, and she seems to want to see me again – either because the night went well, or because she is some kind of masochist, to which I suppose the only sane reaction is:

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts – and I shall reward you accordingly!  Yes, it’s time once again for everyone’s (read: my best friend’s) favorite segment – #FrozenFoodFridays!  Editor’s note: I took my Ambien right before remembering I needed to do this before midnight, so if at some point it trails off or becomes even more nonsensical than usual, you know why.

This week, we have a personal favorite – Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  Now, I’m not going to waste anyone’s time trying to explain whether or not these are delicious – either you already know this, or you aren’t old enough to be reading this blog, or you’re probably a Trump voter and your opinions are bad and you should feel bad.

Great snack, or the greatest snack?

What I can tell you is that you can actually survive for far longer than you probably thought or would reasonably want to with these as your primary, even sole, source of nutrients.  I don’t know what delicious voodoo enables this, but I can verify its accuracy, sadly.  Protip: when preparing, cover the baking sheet with aluminum foil.  That way, when they inevitably start oozing the filling everywhere because the cook time chart is a goddamn lying motherfucker, you can just wait for it to cool and then throw out the foil, rather than spend 30 minutes cursing and scraping the tray clean.  Also, you know your pizza rolls are properly cooked when the first 3-5 rolls burn with the intensity of a thousand suns in your mouth.  If they are any cooler, they are undercooked.

That’s all for now, little ones.  See you next time, and remember – many Trump voters say that he’s a good idea because the presidency needs to be run like a business.  Putting aside the fact that this sentiment is completely fucking wrong and idiotic, there is also the small detail that Trump has driven a not-insignificant number of his businesses directly into the ground and bankruptcy.  He once used thousands of dollars from his charitable foundation to commission a ten-foot-tall painting of himself.  If that’s the businessman you think has what it takes to run the country the right way, there’s a reason your living in a tin-foil trailer held together by chicken wire and duct tape, and it’s not because the man is keeping you down.  It’s because you’re a fucking moron. – EWE

Belated #FrozenFoodFridays

So after a long week at work, I was incredibly excited to pick up Dragon Quest VII on Friday afternoon, as well as have my sons come to visit – but then suddenly, it wasn’t Friday anymore.  I have let you down, my devoted subjects.  But I shall attempt to make it up – here, without further ado, here is another (slightly late) edition of #FrozenFoodFridays!

This week, I bring you the deliciousness of Bertolli Italian Sausage and Rigatoni.  I’m a total sucker for pasta.  The problem is that most frozen pasta is awful.  No seriously, it never cooks right.  But these Bertolli frozen meals are goddamn amazing.  Meat, sauce, noodles, everything is just dumped in the skillet, cooked for about ten minutes, and you have a meal that could fool most people into thinking you had put effort into it.  One thing I love is that the sauce is frozen into little individual blocks, which thaw and spread out evenly as you heat everything.  This is so much better than a giant fucking block of frozen sauce that you have to sit and try to chip away at yourself to keep it evenly distributed.

If I have one complaint, it’s that when they say a non-stick skillet, THEY ARE NOT KIDDING.  If you have a standard skillet without a non-stick surface, even if you butter or oil it first you had better keep stirring it constantly to avoid it becoming permanently glued to the skillet.  I don’t like having to scrape my dinner onto my plate.  But as long as you are paying attention, this shouldn’t happen – and if you can’t pay attention to something for ten fucking minutes, you shouldn’t be allowed to cook for yourself anyway.

Hopefully I have earned your forgiveness for my tardiness!  I hope to be back later tonight with more to share.  – EWE