The Ever Expanding Evil Empire

You may recall, humans, that I had recently mentioned some changes that were possibly in the works here at the Ominous Dark Tower (TM) and that details would be forthcoming.  Well, that day has come!  After consulting with my hordes of darkness (Editor’s Note: meaning me, which probably doesn’t count, his sons, and Malevolent Moogle) HORDES OF DARKNESS, I have decided that you all have not been graced with enough of me only posting here.  As such, I have decided to expand my empire: in addition to getting back to posting more Game Night videos, I will be live streaming more on Twitch and posting some Let’s Play videos on YouTube.  I’m also in the early planning stages, along with my boys, of writing and recording a periodic podcast focused primarily on gaming, comedy, and wrestling (although they rejected my naming it “GCW” and doing a loop of wrestling fans chanting “G-C-DUB!  G-C-DUB”) with the occasional tangent when I feel the need to rant off-topic.

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First suggestion from the oldest son? A video series through the Witcher franchise.

Further details and links will be coming soon, but to give you an idea how excited I am to do this, I cancelled my Netflix and subscribed to Game Pass just to give me more material to work with and fewer excuses not to work on it.  I hope you enjoy what we have coming soon as much as you’ve enjoyed my ramblings here thus far.  Because I’m going to need help and input to make this work…as I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.  Talk to you more soon, mortals! – EWE

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Ongoing Segment: WTF Did He Say Now?!

Alright, after last night, a decision needed to be made.  I mean, I wasn’t going to just turn this blog into a full time discussion into the insane syphilitic ramblings of Donald Trump (primarily because I would quickly reach the point of just annihilating all of you fleshbags out of frustration), but at the same time, I knew there was just going to be too much material for me to NOT address on a fairly regular basis.  So compromise I reached was to introduce a new recurring segment: WTF Did He Say Now?!  Now, technically, I suppose we could use this segment to highlight an outlandish statement from ANY public figure, but let’s face it – they’re just about all going to be from the glowing orange shitbag of moronic hatred and stupidity.

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Yeah…this tool.

Speaking of which…this absolute gem of skull-fucking insanity assaulted the world today:

This infuriates me on two levels.  There is the immediate impact of this shriveled sack of shit dismissing the deaths of 3000 people as not happening simply because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for the failed relief efforts that led to them.  That is obvious.  But there is also a broader problem with this statement that makes me want to set fire to random things – the cockgobbler-in-chief’s regular practice of simply denying reality and creating and embracing an alternate, fictional universe as his official version of the truth.  And then the further bolstering of this by his cronies and sycophants and supporters, despite the glaring and obvious evidence that what they are touting is in direct conflict to the OBVIOUS FACTS.  To illustrate this another way, let me offer a comparison chart of our most recent presidential administrations.

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This wasn’t a political plot by Democrats to make you look bad, you pathetic pissant.  This was an independent study that looked at deaths that took place over the six month period following the hurricane that struck Puerto Rico that could have been avoided had electricity and infrastructure been restored.  In other words, deaths that were directly a result of damage caused by the storms.  So they WERE, in fact, the death toll from the storms.  All 3000 of them.  The Democrats didn’t kill them to make you look bad.  The mayor of San Juan didn’t fake their deaths because she doesn’t like you.  They died.  Because of the hurricane.  And your administration’s botched and failed response to it.  You own that.  Whether your addled, senile, barely functional brain can comprehend that fact or not, it doesn’t change the fact that it happened on your watch.  It was your responsibility, and you failed.  Nothing you say, nothing you do, no tweet, no bluster, no hashtag, no lawsuit, no ranting can change that.  President.  Trump.  Failed.  And 3000 people died.

Now…we’ll lighten things up next time, kiddos.  I haven’t forgotten how to write about nerdy shit, and I’ve been doing a whole damn lot of it while I’ve been gone, I can tell you that.  So next time should be a lot more upbeat.  You know, unless Orange Julius Caesar says something stupid again…but what’re the odds of that, right? – EWE

Game Night! – CAH & the Return of #FrozenFoodFridays!

Greets, mortals!  Let’s start things off with a thank you to those of you that may have joined the game night crew earlier tonight as we dusted off the card table and streamed one of our favorites, Cards Against Humanity.  As always, it was whack, inappropriate, borderline-aneurysm-inducing (Editor’s Note: well, for him, anyway) fun.  For those that couldn’t join us live, don’t despair, my marvelous minions – just look below!

Now, normally that might be enough to call it a night – oh but I told you last time, old EWE has decided he wants to start ramping things up around here again.  Sure, I may not be able to post as OFTEN as I might like – but when I do, dammit, I’m going to make damn sure it was worth it.  So I have reached WAY back to find one of my most beloved segments from early in the blog’s life, dusted off the mothballs (Editor’s Note: or, in this case, freezer burn) whatever – I present to you the return of #FrozenFoodFridays!

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So, if you know me at all, and you think I’m going to find anything wrong with this dish, all I can say is hahahahahaha!!!

So, let’s get the negatives out of the way right off the bat, shall we?  Devour frozen meals have a completely godawful marketing department.  I mean, a balls-out, what-the-shit, genuinely horrific messaging campaign marked their entrance into the marketplace, and only got marginally better with their recent Deadpool 2 tie-in commercial campaign.  I loved that movie, but it didn’t influence my frozen dinner purchasing.  The commercial itself was entertaining as hell though, I’ll give them that.

The problem with all of this fancy packaging, 6th grade “food you wanna fork” (seriously, that is their slogan – if my eyes rolled any harder they would fall out) marketing campaign, and Deadpool licensing agreement is that it all leads to increased cost to you at the register.  When purchased at regular price, Devour frozen meals are some of the most expensive per ounce frozen meals you are going to find in the standard frozen food section of the grocer’s freezer, without venturing into specialty areas such as gluten free or the like.  However, this is where the good news begins because the meals are quite often not at regular price recently – more and more often, they are on sale.  And if you can find them while on such a sale, take full advantage of it, for you will not be disappointed.

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Look at this…LOOK AT IT!

I’ve not been fortunate enough yet to have sampled all of the wide variety of Devour meals, in particular the new sandwiches – but what I have had so far has been universally fantastic.  Painless preparation – heat, stir, heat again, let stand, stir and enjoy.  And as you’ve probably noticed above, they have one dish in particular that combines lasagna, alfredo sauce, Italian sausage, and bacon – four of my favorite things to eat in one scrumptious meal.  Devour frozen meals definitely get a thumbs up from me!

That’s it for tonight folks, as old EWE is hearing the siren song of his sheets and blankets – but with luck maybe I can be back before the weekend is out!  Until then, kiddos! – EWE

 

Vacation’s Over, Humans!

That’s right, mortals!  Your vacation, my vacation, EVERYONE’S vacation is done!  For the first time in CENTURIES (Editor’s Note: well, years, but still…a long time) yes, A LONG TIME, I decided it was time to give myself a break.  An actual, honest-to-evilness break – from work, from writing, from everything but relaxing.  And you know what?  IT…WAS…GLORIOUS!!!

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I spent an entire week waking up when I wanted, hanging out with my sons, reading, gaming, finally playing laser tag for the first time in my life (it is just as fun as I always figured it was), and oh did I mention, NOT WORKING.  It was, quite frankly, the single best week for my mental health that I’ve had in recent memory.  So yes – I’ve been away.  You’ve all been free to rebuild your little villages and prosper and whatnot.  But guess what, kiddos?  DADDY’S HOME!

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We’ve got lots and lots to talk about and get caught up on!  The Game Night! streams will of course be coming back – Beefer, Dracollia and Special Buddy in particular are itching to grace your eyes and ears again (Monkey is a little more meh on the whole stream thing).  I’ve watched and read and played so, so many things to share with you all.  In particular – if you have Netflix, consider if any of the following apply to you: Did you grow up during the 80s?  Were you a Voltron fan?  An anime fan?  An action cartoon fan in general?  A mecha fan?  Just a fan of well done animated series?  If any of these apply to you, and you have Netflix, stop what you are doing, and binge every minute of Voltron: Legendary Defender.  If you don’t have Netflix…subscribe to Netflix, and then binge every minute of Voltron: Legendary Defender.

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This is a modern reboot/retelling of the Voltron saga, but for those of us that watched the classic show when we were young (Editor’s Note: well…younger, anyway)…ahem, fear not, because the producers at Dreamworks did as well, and while Legendary Defender serves as an homage to that tale, it is not slavishly beholden to it, and the modern characterizations of the familiar characters both ring true and yet are fresh and avoid being dull retreads of a bygone era.  After a couple of full season releases, the show opted for the growing “half-season” method of release, with each season consisting of a single-digit number of episodes that comprise approximately half of an entire season’s story arc.  Season Six just released on Netflix and having watched the entire series twice now, it stands as a fantastic example of a licensed Netflix Original Series done right.  Even the occasional filler episodes include a bit of plot advancement, as well as lighthearted character moments that don’t feel like a chore to slog through just to get to the next “important” episode.  While some of the plot twists may feel like they are telegraphed at first, in reality the writers, animators and voice actors do an absolutely amazing job breathing such life into the different characters that you truly will be second guessing yourself and your predictions over and over again as the series progresses – and that’s a sign of a job well done.  To say much more would risk giving away twists that you deserve to experience for yourself – now go form Voltron!

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There will be more from here, boys and girls – so many games, good (Dragon’s Crown Pro) and…less my cup of tea (Prey).  There will be books – including my finally, inevitably crumbling to the siren song of the audiobook in the car…which has seen me basically consuming a new non-fiction book every few days, not counting what I read with my eyes, and that’s all just my pleasure reading, not my work-related legal research and writing, to say nothing of black magic, blood magic and curses (Editor’s Note: Uh, just ignore those last few…).  There will be wrestling talk – for what it’s worth, currently NJPW is the best wrestling on the planet and the only thing WWE has coming close as a whole is NXT.  On the main roster, they’ve got Styles, Bryan, and Rollins – and you give Vince and his “creative” time and they will goddamn find a way to fuck those guys up too, no matter how much talent they have.  Don’t believe me?  Go talk to Shinsuke Nakamura…or Asuka…or Sami Zayn…or Finn Balor…or literally any tag team.

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And there will be legal and political talk of course!  Like for example, I hear some citrus-fruit-based life form and his helper monkey/former-NYC-mayor have somehow formed the theory that, in a society that is literally founded on, among other things, the concept of nobody, NOBODY being above the law, the living orange can pardon himself.  That he’s incapable of committing a crime, and that even if he did, he can somehow pardon himself from that crime.  Now, I will engage in a more in-depth look at this at a later date, but for brevity and blood-pressure’s sake, let me just sum up briefly this way: no, no he cannot pardon himself, and anyone that tells him that he can, or that goes on television and advocates that he can, should not only be bounced out of the practice of law immediately, but should – and I honest to cats can’t believe I’m saying this – be liable to the poor orange bastard for damages, because he’s not a lawyer, and if he relies on advice so incredibly, recklessly, shit-stormingly stupid as being possibly true, then they should go down for it every bit as hard as he does for not having the goddamn spine to tell him the fucking truth. – EWE

EWE’s Take On E3 2017 – Part 1

Hello again, humans!  Good to see you all – except the ones I hate, in which case, less so.  But even the worst among you can’t bring me down now – no, because it’s that magical time of year, that Christmas-in-June for gamers called E3 season!  That’s right, this past week was the annual Electronic Entertainment Expo in sunny Los Angeles, CA.  Per usual, there was a veritable smorgasbord of gaming news, announcements, and conferences – and now you can find all my wicked thoughts on the E3 events right here!  Aren’t you lucky?!  In Part 1, I’ll focus on the conferences from the non-hardware-producing developers and publishers.  Part 2 will feature the Big 3.

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So the news kicked off with the EA press conference.  Now, I’m not going to go blow-by-blow here – if you want that kind of in-depth coverage, well, you can easily watch all the press conferences at places like IGN or GameSpot.  I’m just going to go over my impressions.  And when it comes to impressions, well…EA just didn’t really make one for me.  I mean, you got your requisite sports franchises – Madden, NBA Live, FIFA – and if the yearly iterations on those games is your thing, you already know when they are coming out and have already planned on getting them.  Battlefield 1 is also slated to get new DLC, but as I don’t play Battlefield 1, this didn’t do much for me either.

Battlefront II

That’s not to say that there wasn’t anything in the EA event that caught my attention. Having played Star Wars: Battlefront and finding it enjoyable but sorely missing the lack of a single player campaign, I was quite happy to find out earlier this year that Battlefront II would now include a full story mode.  Well, not only will I get to enjoy that when it releases this fall, but EA revealed during their conference that there would be no season pass for Battlefront II – all of its DLC will be free of charge for all players.  While the game will feature microtransactions, EA has insisted that these will be cosmetic and quality of life in nature only – they will confer no advantage over other players.  Time will tell if this claim holds true, but for now, the concept of not having to shell out money beyond the initial purchase price in order to experience the full game is quite nice!

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The other major announcement at the EA conference from my perspective was the unveiling of the new IP from Mass Effect and Dragon Age developer BioWare – Anthem.  This was the first look at this game, and I am thus far intrigued.  If I could sum up what I’ve seen of it in one phrase it would be “third person Destiny.”  This actually excites me quite a bit – as the biggest issue I had with Destiny was it’s first person perspective.  With BioWare’s impressive pedigree behind it, I am anxiously looking forward to what this title has in store.

Another publisher hosting their own conference at E3 was Ubisoft – and boy oh boy, did they hit it out of the park with their conference.  There was a lot of news, but since I’m kind enough to parse through all this shit and bring only the best of the best, here is what you need to know!

Mario & Rabbids

Ok, this is going to sound insane, or like some kind of joke, but it’s some kind of peanut butter and chocolate dream – Mario & Rabbids: Kingdom Battle is a crossover between the Big N’s plumber-in-chief and the batshit crazy Rabbids of Ubisoft in an XCOM style turn-based tactics game for the Nintendo Switch.  Let that sink the fuck in.  Then once it does – go preorder that shit.  Right now.

AC Origins

Another game I’m quite intrigued by is Assassin’s Creed: Origins.  The AC series has been on a bit of a hiatus from its previous annual release schedule, and it looks to be returning in a strong way.  Of particular note here is that while the previous entries have been action experiences with some light character building systems, Origins has much more firmly embraced role-playing elements and it shows in its much more deliberate, tactical approach to leveling your character and equipment as well as planning battles.  Keep an eye out as this title comes along.

Skull & Bones

Anyone that knows me knows that I would chuck this entire world to go pirating in a second if it were feasible and not likely to lead to death by scurvy.  So it’s no surprise that the persistent world pirate simulator Skull & Bones is firmly on my radar.  Between this and Sea of Thieves, I’ll be even more soaked in rum than I normally am – and that’s saying something.

South Park

I feel obligated to include this because of how much I adored the Stick of Truth.  South Park: The Fractured But Whole was given (yet another) official release date of October 17.  It isn’t that I don’t think this game looks hilarious and fantastic…but since it’s been supposed to come out several times already, I’m firmly in “I’ll believe it when I see it” mode on this one.

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Oh yeah…and a little game called Beyond Good and Evil 2 was given a trailer.  Now, this will effect you in one of two ways.  Either you are asking “So?  I don’t remember a Beyond Good and Evil 1.”  If that’s the case, stop right now and go buy and download the Beyond Good and Evil HD remake from the PS or Xbox store.  Go.  Now.  If you’re in the second group, with me, you’re still wiping tears of joy away after reading the first sentence in this paragraph.

Wrapping up Part 1 of my take on E3 is the conference by Bethesda Studios.  Would this finally be where we get some inkling of Elder Scrolls VI?!  Short answer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

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Hope you’re ready to spend more of your time (and money…again) on the fifth entry in the venerable Elder Scrolls franchise, because as far as Bethesda is concerned it’s all Skyrim, all the time.  As we already knew, the complete edition of Skyrim is on its way to Switch this fall – and now we know that it will feature Amiibo support.  As you can see above, this means that you can roleplay a disturbingly realistic version of Link in your own Hylian tunic, shield, and wielding the Master Sword…if that’s your thing.  From my perspective, they could have added absolutely nothing to Skyrim and just brought it to the Switch as-is and I’d have gladly paid for it…again…to be able to play it on the go.  Hiding in the corner at a family reunion to play Skyrim?  Uh, yes please.

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A bit of a surprise, but a pleasant one for horror fans, underrated survival horror game The Evil Within is set to received a sequel.  It definitely looks creepy as all fuck, and it’s set for release on Friday the 13th (of October), so all the signs point to a pants-wetting experience!

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More up my alley, after several teases recently, Bethesda officially unveiled Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus.  Wolfenstein was one of my favorite FPS games of the past few years, and the sequel sees longtime series lead BJ Blazkowicz battling in the United States after it has been overrun by Nazi forces.  As we all know, killing Nazi’s is the only socially acceptable form of murder, so get those trigger fingers ready to go!

Dishonored 2 DLC

Last but not least, Dishonored 2 is seeing a new DLC pack released this fall.  This new story focuses on Meagan Foster, the popular NPC from the main game.  She seems set to try and take down The Outsider, who is the one that granted powers to the previous protagonists in the series.

And that brings us to the end of Part 1!  Next up – the conferences of the Big 3: Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony!  Look forward to it, mortals! – EWE