Ongoing Segment: WTF Did He Say Now?!

Alright, after last night, a decision needed to be made.  I mean, I wasn’t going to just turn this blog into a full time discussion into the insane syphilitic ramblings of Donald Trump (primarily because I would quickly reach the point of just annihilating all of you fleshbags out of frustration), but at the same time, I knew there was just going to be too much material for me to NOT address on a fairly regular basis.  So compromise I reached was to introduce a new recurring segment: WTF Did He Say Now?!  Now, technically, I suppose we could use this segment to highlight an outlandish statement from ANY public figure, but let’s face it – they’re just about all going to be from the glowing orange shitbag of moronic hatred and stupidity.

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Yeah…this tool.

Speaking of which…this absolute gem of skull-fucking insanity assaulted the world today:

This infuriates me on two levels.  There is the immediate impact of this shriveled sack of shit dismissing the deaths of 3000 people as not happening simply because he doesn’t want to take responsibility for the failed relief efforts that led to them.  That is obvious.  But there is also a broader problem with this statement that makes me want to set fire to random things – the cockgobbler-in-chief’s regular practice of simply denying reality and creating and embracing an alternate, fictional universe as his official version of the truth.  And then the further bolstering of this by his cronies and sycophants and supporters, despite the glaring and obvious evidence that what they are touting is in direct conflict to the OBVIOUS FACTS.  To illustrate this another way, let me offer a comparison chart of our most recent presidential administrations.

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This wasn’t a political plot by Democrats to make you look bad, you pathetic pissant.  This was an independent study that looked at deaths that took place over the six month period following the hurricane that struck Puerto Rico that could have been avoided had electricity and infrastructure been restored.  In other words, deaths that were directly a result of damage caused by the storms.  So they WERE, in fact, the death toll from the storms.  All 3000 of them.  The Democrats didn’t kill them to make you look bad.  The mayor of San Juan didn’t fake their deaths because she doesn’t like you.  They died.  Because of the hurricane.  And your administration’s botched and failed response to it.  You own that.  Whether your addled, senile, barely functional brain can comprehend that fact or not, it doesn’t change the fact that it happened on your watch.  It was your responsibility, and you failed.  Nothing you say, nothing you do, no tweet, no bluster, no hashtag, no lawsuit, no ranting can change that.  President.  Trump.  Failed.  And 3000 people died.

Now…we’ll lighten things up next time, kiddos.  I haven’t forgotten how to write about nerdy shit, and I’ve been doing a whole damn lot of it while I’ve been gone, I can tell you that.  So next time should be a lot more upbeat.  You know, unless Orange Julius Caesar says something stupid again…but what’re the odds of that, right? – EWE

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Weary, Wicked & Wittier Than The White House

 

So, as you may have noticed, this is the second year in a row that has been marked by an extended absence on my part at around the same time.  This is not a coincidence.  The reasons are something I’ve struggled with, but I feel like sharing them might be both good for me as well as make it somewhat easier for some out there that may be dealing with similar issues to know that they are not alone.

I have for some time been dealing with a particularly vicious two-headed demon; fibromyalgia and depression.  The roots go back a long ways and aren’t particularly the point here and now; but suffice to say, the two have an awful symbiotic relationship with one another.  The fibro causes significant physical pain, which makes the depression worse, which magnifies the pain, and so on and so forth.  This is exacerbated during the changeover of seasons – as weather patters begin to change, pressure systems begin to wildly fluctuate and both conditions are particularly sensitive to that.  If you have ever suffered from seasonal depression, or have had a knee or shoulder ache during a storm, imagine that but cranked up to 11 and then happening almost constantly.  Basically the only way for me to work and take care of my absolutely required social responsibilities was to lock my psyche into something resembling this:

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Believe it or not, I’ve wanted to write.  I’ve spoken with some of you, on Twitter or in person, and I’ve sat here some nights, staring at the blank page and cursor blinking at me, but just unable to sort through everything and assemble it into something resembling coherent thought.  But I’ve missed you (EWE’s Note: Don’t admit that to them, you sniveling fleshsack!) and believe it or not, so has EWE.  I promise.  Speaking of whom…

EWE and Editor Weary

But you know what I haven’t missed?  What I haven’t been ABLE to miss?  What I haven’t even been given a chance to miss?  DONALD MOTHERFUCKING TRUMP.  Specifically, I have not been afforded the opportunity to miss Donald Trump saying or doing something that is a complete and utter embarrassment to the country as a whole, both here in the U.S. and to whatever allies we have remaining in the world at this point.

Now, I don’t have the time or patience (nor likely do you) to expound upon every single horrific statement, quote, tweet, or other action taken by our narcissistic, dementia-addled lunatic-in-chief, but I think we can probably sum up the general vibe relatively quickly.  Let’s see…

“A Pluses,” huh?  Who the fuck was grading your sad-sack efforts on that curve – Betsy Devos?  No wonder your administration doesn’t like public education – they probably all grade too hard for you.  And since when did travel to Puerto Rico suddenly become the equivalent attempting to reach the North Pole?  It’s a fucking U.S. territory, and this is 2018.  We have the most powerful, modern Navy in the history of time, and we aren’t actively involved in any major armed conflicts.  Do not talk to me about the “war on terror” bullshit because that’s like saying we couldn’t send ships because they were busy patrolling the shorelines as part of the “war on drugs.”  The bottom line is that your administration was caught unprepared, responded completely inadequately, and as a result, the death toll was 3000.  Would some people have died anyway?  Yes – that’s the harsh reality of natural disasters.  But would 3000 people have had to die if food, water, electricity and infrastructure had been restored to island as quickly as possible thanks to efficient and effective U.S. response?  No, and Trump’s refusal to be able to admit even the slightest bit of error, and in fact to petulantly whine that HE’S NOT GETTING ENOUGH CREDIT FOR HOW WELL IT WENT in the face of 3000 dead souls is a stunning, mind numbing demonstration of just how self-centered and disconnected from reality he is.

Oh really?  Bob Woodward is a liar?  The Bob Woodward that was instrumental in exposing the Watergate scandal that brought down Nixon and fundamentally changed how the media and the general public viewed the presidency and government in general?  The Bob Woodward who has been one of most well-respected, thorough, and meticulous presidential researchers and analysts of our time?  The Bob Woodward who, despite respecting the time-honored tradition of maintaining his sources’ request for confidentiality with regard to their identity, has hours upon hours of documentation of his interviews with them in order to prepare his book?  That Bob Woodward is a “liar” because his book, rather than portraying you as the greatest president in American history, instead depicts you as being so fundamentally disturbed and mentally unfit to handle the rigors of the presidency that those closest to you have taken to manipulating you around your worst and stupidest impulses in an effort to just keep the country functional and out of any kind of doomsday scenario?

No

You see, Orange Hobgoblin, it really just comes down to a relatively simple calculus.  Bob Woodward, he’s got credibility.  A track record of proven integrity and reliability.  You, however, have…um, Melania?  Baron?  The human caricature drawing that is Rudi Giuliani?  So really, anyone with even a drop of common sense would realize that banking on your word is not a safe bet.  Ever.

These are just a couple of examples of the freakish, insane alternate universe that Donald Trump has chosen to inhabit. Where 3000 people dead goes from being a mistake that could have been avoided to an “unsung success” that just doesn’t get the credit it deserved.  Frankly, I could go on, but I’m beginning to tire for the night, and there will be plenty of nights to come – but for now kids, I have missed you all greatly, and it’s good to be back! – EWE

Vacation’s Over, Humans!

That’s right, mortals!  Your vacation, my vacation, EVERYONE’S vacation is done!  For the first time in CENTURIES (Editor’s Note: well, years, but still…a long time) yes, A LONG TIME, I decided it was time to give myself a break.  An actual, honest-to-evilness break – from work, from writing, from everything but relaxing.  And you know what?  IT…WAS…GLORIOUS!!!

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I spent an entire week waking up when I wanted, hanging out with my sons, reading, gaming, finally playing laser tag for the first time in my life (it is just as fun as I always figured it was), and oh did I mention, NOT WORKING.  It was, quite frankly, the single best week for my mental health that I’ve had in recent memory.  So yes – I’ve been away.  You’ve all been free to rebuild your little villages and prosper and whatnot.  But guess what, kiddos?  DADDY’S HOME!

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We’ve got lots and lots to talk about and get caught up on!  The Game Night! streams will of course be coming back – Beefer, Dracollia and Special Buddy in particular are itching to grace your eyes and ears again (Monkey is a little more meh on the whole stream thing).  I’ve watched and read and played so, so many things to share with you all.  In particular – if you have Netflix, consider if any of the following apply to you: Did you grow up during the 80s?  Were you a Voltron fan?  An anime fan?  An action cartoon fan in general?  A mecha fan?  Just a fan of well done animated series?  If any of these apply to you, and you have Netflix, stop what you are doing, and binge every minute of Voltron: Legendary Defender.  If you don’t have Netflix…subscribe to Netflix, and then binge every minute of Voltron: Legendary Defender.

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This is a modern reboot/retelling of the Voltron saga, but for those of us that watched the classic show when we were young (Editor’s Note: well…younger, anyway)…ahem, fear not, because the producers at Dreamworks did as well, and while Legendary Defender serves as an homage to that tale, it is not slavishly beholden to it, and the modern characterizations of the familiar characters both ring true and yet are fresh and avoid being dull retreads of a bygone era.  After a couple of full season releases, the show opted for the growing “half-season” method of release, with each season consisting of a single-digit number of episodes that comprise approximately half of an entire season’s story arc.  Season Six just released on Netflix and having watched the entire series twice now, it stands as a fantastic example of a licensed Netflix Original Series done right.  Even the occasional filler episodes include a bit of plot advancement, as well as lighthearted character moments that don’t feel like a chore to slog through just to get to the next “important” episode.  While some of the plot twists may feel like they are telegraphed at first, in reality the writers, animators and voice actors do an absolutely amazing job breathing such life into the different characters that you truly will be second guessing yourself and your predictions over and over again as the series progresses – and that’s a sign of a job well done.  To say much more would risk giving away twists that you deserve to experience for yourself – now go form Voltron!

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There will be more from here, boys and girls – so many games, good (Dragon’s Crown Pro) and…less my cup of tea (Prey).  There will be books – including my finally, inevitably crumbling to the siren song of the audiobook in the car…which has seen me basically consuming a new non-fiction book every few days, not counting what I read with my eyes, and that’s all just my pleasure reading, not my work-related legal research and writing, to say nothing of black magic, blood magic and curses (Editor’s Note: Uh, just ignore those last few…).  There will be wrestling talk – for what it’s worth, currently NJPW is the best wrestling on the planet and the only thing WWE has coming close as a whole is NXT.  On the main roster, they’ve got Styles, Bryan, and Rollins – and you give Vince and his “creative” time and they will goddamn find a way to fuck those guys up too, no matter how much talent they have.  Don’t believe me?  Go talk to Shinsuke Nakamura…or Asuka…or Sami Zayn…or Finn Balor…or literally any tag team.

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And there will be legal and political talk of course!  Like for example, I hear some citrus-fruit-based life form and his helper monkey/former-NYC-mayor have somehow formed the theory that, in a society that is literally founded on, among other things, the concept of nobody, NOBODY being above the law, the living orange can pardon himself.  That he’s incapable of committing a crime, and that even if he did, he can somehow pardon himself from that crime.  Now, I will engage in a more in-depth look at this at a later date, but for brevity and blood-pressure’s sake, let me just sum up briefly this way: no, no he cannot pardon himself, and anyone that tells him that he can, or that goes on television and advocates that he can, should not only be bounced out of the practice of law immediately, but should – and I honest to cats can’t believe I’m saying this – be liable to the poor orange bastard for damages, because he’s not a lawyer, and if he relies on advice so incredibly, recklessly, shit-stormingly stupid as being possibly true, then they should go down for it every bit as hard as he does for not having the goddamn spine to tell him the fucking truth. – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays – Somewhat Less Crippled Edition

Salutations once again, my merry minions!  I’m once again here to entertain and inspire you – and this time, I’m not on the verge of literally falling to pieces!  Yes, it seems that my spine has thought it over and decided it isn’t yet time for it to completely destroy itself, and so I find myself able to, well, move without being in the mind-searing levels of pain that I was a week ago.  Not that it is completely fixed, mind you – but the difference is substantial and certainly tolerable to live with at this point.

And to celebrate my newfound good health…let’s completely fuck it all to hell with some tasty #FrozenFoodFridays fried food!

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Yes, I realize only one of these is frozen – your mistake is in thinking I give a fuck.

See, if you’re anything like me (Editor’s Note: SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP!) – cute, very cute – ahem, you’ll probably have fond memories of the Dairy Queen Chicken Strip Basket.  But hey – why get it from Dairy Queen?  You have to do so many aggravating things to do that – put on pants, leave your lair, interact with humans while managing not to kill them – it’s a complete hassle.  So instead, why not make your own!  Minus the fries – DQ’s fries really kind of suck.

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Don’t forget the Texas Toast!

No real trick to preparing this – just follow the instructions on the packaging for each item!  One tip though – when something offers either conventional oven or microwave preparation, the better bet is almost ALWAYS the conventional oven.  Microwave may be quicker, but in my experience the wait for the oven is well worth it.  Have some patience, you damn instant-gratification kids!

And now, kiddos, it’s been a little while, but as you may remember, my occupation allows me a passing knowledge of the law.  In fact, I am privileged enough to be able to practice law, when I’m not busy convincing myself not to destroy your entire miserable species.  And so I feel somewhat compelled to clear up some misconceptions that are currently in the public sphere.  Our current president (Editor’s Note: Fun fact – every time EWE is forced to describe Trump as president, an angel has its wings violently ripped from its back and force-fed to it until it chokes to death) and his pitiful band of cronies seem to be of the opinion that they may limit the freedom of speech of government employees, up to and including FIRING THEM for speaking out against the administration.  This is wrong.

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This is also wrong…on every possible level.

Now, I know that President Tiny Hands Bitch knows what the Constitution is, as well as the Amendments – after all, he LOVES talking about the 2nd Amendment.  But apparently his knowledge is…selective, because as any goddamn preschooler can tell you, in order to get to “2” you must first get to “1” – in this case, the 1st Amendment.  That one guarantees freedom of speech to American citizens without interference by the federal government.  Now, most certainly, as an EMPLOYER, the government can instruct EMPLOYEES in what they may and may not say ON BEHALF OF THE GOVERNMENT.  So for example, the switchboard operators at the White House can be instructed that they should refrain from telling callers that it is the official position of the White House that the president is an insufferable, mentally ill shithead who belongs locked in a padded room rather than in office – but they CANNOT restrict or fire said switchboard operators from making such statements in their individual, private citizen capacity.  Making such statements without reprisal from the government IS THE EXACT THING THAT THE ENTIRE AMENDMENT WAS PREDICATED ON.  So, for any that might tell you “well, they can force them to say what they want because they work for the government” now you can calmly and confidently tell that person to go fuck him or her self because they have no goddamn idea what they are talking about.  You’re welcome! – EWE

How EWE was Broken on #FrozenFoodFridays

Greets – ouch! – humans.  As I’m sure you can tell, it isn’t Friday.  But it isn’t that I forgot about #FrozenFoodFridays – believe me, I’d much, MUCH rather have been communing with all of you than having the day I had.

You see, last Tuesday I awoke to find that something was wrong with my right shoulder.  Specifically, I couldn’t use my right arm without a stabbing pain in my right shoulderblade.  This concerned me, as I am familiar with back injuries – I have a partially herniated disk in my lower lumbar from many years ago that would still flair up on me from time to time.  So I decided to take no chances and be very careful with my right arm and shoulder until the pain subsided or I could get in to see a doctor (shout out to my favorite prosecutor for being kind enough to rub the knot out of my shoulder when I couldn’t reach it).  Sadly, on Friday, I made the mistake of reaching across my body to lift something off of the floor with my left hand, and as I lifted, I heard/felt a dull pop in my lower back followed by excruciating pain.

As it turns out, the disk in my lower back had herniated again, directly into my sciatic nerve, and the muscles surrounding it were all spasming out of control and wouldn’t allow it to pull back in.  This made the rest of my day in court rather…unpleasant.  By the time I was done, I didn’t even know if I would be able to drive home, so it became clear that a trip to Statcare was in order.  Unfortunately, that would consume several more hours of my evening.  Once the doctor there confirmed what I already knew had happened, he prescribed anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, and painkiller to try and see if the disk would slide back into place once the muscles relaxed.  If it doesn’t, then my doctor will have to order an MRI to see what else can be done.  Once I came home and took the medication, it essentially rendered me unconscious for the rest of the night and most of Saturday as well.  Hence, #FrozenFoodFridays came and went without an update.  But never fear – my injury and the excruciating pain have given me the perfect thing to remind you to take out of your freezer!

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It’s true – many people keep this in the freezer.

Ah, yes – vodka.  Grey Goose is my preferred label, but there are a lot of good choices out there for you.  Of course, you can keep vodka at room temperature, but I prefer to keep it chilled in the freezer as most of my favorite ways to enjoy it involve ice or cold mixers anyway, such as vodka cranberry juice, or grape vodka soda.  So since this is kept in the freezer, I’m counting it as meeting the completely arbitrary, self-created criteria of #FrozenFoodFridays.  Enjoy!

Now, as bad as the back injury was a buzzkill on Friday, it wasn’t the only even that day that seemed aimed directly at pissing me off.  I mean, it’s bad enough that there are far more senseless idiots voting in America than even I had accounted for, but during his inauguration speech, Orange Boy decided to plagiarize a character from one of the greatest comic book movies of all time?!

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You have my permission to die now…actually, you’ve had it and will continue to have it.

Yes, our new president decided to rip off Bane in this speech.  I guess he figured since Bane is a fictional character, plagiarizing him was acceptable.  So, yeah, all in all it was a tremendously shitty Friday.  He also had his press secretary scream into a camera two days later that the media was just trying to fool us with their “facts” and “evidence” that this inauguration was far smaller than that of President Obama, blatantly lying and making false statements WHICH TRUMP’S ADVISER LATER CALLED “ALTERNATIVE FACTS.”  Children, listen carefully, there are no such things as “alternative facts.”  When something is not a “fact” that makes it a “falsehood” or more commonly known as “lies” or “complete bullshit.”  – EWE

#FrozenFoodFridays and More

I made it, little ones!  I actually managed social interaction with a human being in a non-employment-related outing and didn’t make a total and complete clusterfuck of the situation.  Side note: my autocorrect now actually changes clusterfuck to its proper spelling when I make a typo – I’ve turned Siri into a foul-mouthed snarker too.  Anyway, we had a very nice time, and she seems to want to see me again – either because the night went well, or because she is some kind of masochist, to which I suppose the only sane reaction is:


Thanks for the kind words and thoughts – and I shall reward you accordingly!  Yes, it’s time once again for everyone’s (read: my best friend’s) favorite segment – #FrozenFoodFridays!  Editor’s note: I took my Ambien right before remembering I needed to do this before midnight, so if at some point it trails off or becomes even more nonsensical than usual, you know why.

This week, we have a personal favorite – Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  Now, I’m not going to waste anyone’s time trying to explain whether or not these are delicious – either you already know this, or you aren’t old enough to be reading this blog, or you’re probably a Trump voter and your opinions are bad and you should feel bad.

Great snack, or the greatest snack?

What I can tell you is that you can actually survive for far longer than you probably thought or would reasonably want to with these as your primary, even sole, source of nutrients.  I don’t know what delicious voodoo enables this, but I can verify its accuracy, sadly.  Protip: when preparing, cover the baking sheet with aluminum foil.  That way, when they inevitably start oozing the filling everywhere because the cook time chart is a goddamn lying motherfucker, you can just wait for it to cool and then throw out the foil, rather than spend 30 minutes cursing and scraping the tray clean.  Also, you know your pizza rolls are properly cooked when the first 3-5 rolls burn with the intensity of a thousand suns in your mouth.  If they are any cooler, they are undercooked.

That’s all for now, little ones.  See you next time, and remember – many Trump voters say that he’s a good idea because the presidency needs to be run like a business.  Putting aside the fact that this sentiment is completely fucking wrong and idiotic, there is also the small detail that Trump has driven a not-insignificant number of his businesses directly into the ground and bankruptcy.  He once used thousands of dollars from his charitable foundation to commission a ten-foot-tall painting of himself.  If that’s the businessman you think has what it takes to run the country the right way, there’s a reason your living in a tin-foil trailer held together by chicken wire and duct tape, and it’s not because the man is keeping you down.  It’s because you’re a fucking moron. – EWE